Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My husband told me he was tested as a child and has Aspergers, he has never had any support or anything at all, and has never told anyone part from me now.
When he told me a lot of things fell into place for me. We have been struggling with arguments, angry outbursts, miscommunication and when arguments have escalated he has threatened our marriage and his life.
He will not move out of his rented one bedroom flat, even though I own a house. He wants me to sell my house and move into his flat, until we can find a suitable place together. I usually spend most of my time at his so my house is left empty. He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely.
We had another massive argument which escalated quite badly a few weeks back so I left his flat and moved back to my house, I literally just don’t know what else to do, I just know that I can’t live like this. I told him that we need counselling and he now thinks I’m blaming him and Aspergers.
I would be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on how to save my marriage?
If he's lived on his own for years with the ability to control his environment in his own flat, he really won't want to let go. You are a departure to his known stability so it will take a lot for him to trust - especially as we're often diagnosed because we stick out from the group - and kids a nasty at school so trusting is incredibly difficult for us - you may find him subconsciously testing you to establish your limits and 'truth' level.
You cannot let yourself become his mother and let him rule your life.
I wouldn't sell your house - maybe think about renting it out if you're moving in together but hold on to your asset.
I would only suggest counselling if you can find someone who understands Asperger's - we don't react as expected.
BTW - are you familiar with masking? As we grow, we realise we don't fit so we create a fake persona that gets us past all the social interactions that we're forced to endure. Everyone's is different - some more sophisticated than others - it works great while we are encountering normal, known events. When we are in unknown territory, we are stuffed - we have no internal guide to know what to do so we improvise - and that when we look really stupid - and we can feel it - so as a diversion, we often appear angry or frustrated - we don't mean to - we just have no clue what to do. This is most embarrassing in close relationships where we can't hide from our partner.
Our mask works well for many years until life gets too complicated - but our inability to easily modify the mask makes relationships difficult - you need to understand what going on and how he's adapting his mask for you.
If he's hiding away from you in his flat, it might be because he's having difficulty adapting and he's getting physically exhausted by the effort - it's amazingly tiring to play the social game - especially if the person is knowingly poor at it.
To get over his lonely feelings, help him get involved in a hobby he likes (we usually secretly like childish things like Lego or models or planes & cars) so it can be a way of meeting others over a common interest. We hide these desires because we get bullied for being childish.
Try having a chat with him about how he feels about life - what he'd REALLY like to do.
Hey, I came here to see if I might be able to add to the conversation as an ASD male in what will soon (COVID-19 permitting) be a marriage.. I am immensely impressed by your understanding and ability to articulate aspects of autism with which I struggle but have, until now, been unable to recognise. Are you able to point me towards more info on the masking concept?
I honestly find reading though some of these posts very painful, so close to the bone. Been in denial and not taking my diagnosis seriously for a while now...
Thanks