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25yr old Female Aspie / Raped fighting to get heard

NAS65428
over 4 years ago

Can any one please help, my Daughter has been in a domesticly violent relationship for 3 yrs. She has been repeatedly raped and beaten. 

The perpetrator has recently left, but my daughter has become extremely ill and fretful of what will happen to other women if he is on the streets.

She is convinced it is her responsibility to make sure he is caught and rehabilitated!!

And is also convinced that if he goes to prison he will come back to her a new man? I am extremely scared for her welfare as she just does not seem to see the dangers even though she's lived them for 3rs.

She recently let him in to her home were I was sleeping because he totaly convinced her he loved her, we have voice recordings of him offering her money, and claiming he is being helped with counciling. He has also been sleeping with others whilst away from her also. 

But although the safety unit set up cameras for her safety, and put four locks on her door she still fell for his lies, and allowed him into her home were we both could have been killed.

He raped her again and the DI is funding it hard to believe her story because if she was so scared if him, why would she let him in her home. And why couldn't she scream for help, or say no To him!!

And also when they arrested him, she was cradling his head saying please don't get angry for me, you no you need help please do the right thing and they will help you and we can be together...

And why she wanted to kiss him good bye!They seem to not understand the guilt my beautiful daughter is carrying for calling the police, and how she needs to make it all ok in her head in order for her to process it.

I am totally exhausted and heart broken watching her totaly destroy her self for this evil human being. The night after all this happend Rebecca went into a complete melt down and started loosing it on me hurting my arm in the process!! 

This is extremely unusual for Rebecca, and she also took an over dose, I am so very scared I'm going to loose my daughter through all this. And I'm even more scared by the police officers attitude, and the way he has an opinion on Rebecca but he doesn't no her, or what's she's lived with and the impact it has had on her.

Can any one please offer me some advise, I'm truely at the end of my tether with ignorant people who think they no it all but no nothing in reality, well to do with an Aspie Women any how.

Regards Claire x

Parents
  • over 4 years ago

    Hi Claire, 

    I'm a survivor of DV and so I can appreciate some of what you and your daughter may be experiencing. The guy sounds very dangerous and people who rape can never become the loving or supportive partner that I imagine your daughter longs for. It is also NOT her responsibility to try to mend him, there are psychiatrists and therapists who can teach him skills to help manage his quick temper and rage, but he will always be essentially the same person.  

    I know that the time when a relationship ends is the most dangerous time for the survivor as the perpetrator has lost control over them and tries to re-establish it through violence (and/or charm). 

    As your daughter has been in a romantic relationship with the perpetrator, she will feel emotionally rocky and confused and her physiological attachment system will be unsettled by the separation. It may be this system that could be underlying her confusing impulse to reconnect with him (and his charming lies). 

    I'm wondering if it would help your daughter to read some of the factual evidence base regarding DV and the type of individuals who perpetrate this violence? 

    If so, I highly recommend the book 'Power and Control; Why charming men make dangerous lovers'. There's a Guardian newspaper link and article about it here:

    https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jun/24/charming-men-dangerous-lovers-sandra-horley-domestic-violence-refuge-book-abuse

    This link also has some good info and the illustration below shows the cycle of abuse:

    https://www.norfolk.gov.uk/safety/domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/power-and-control-wheel

    I wish both you and your daughter well. 

     

Reply
  • over 4 years ago

    Hi Claire, 

    I'm a survivor of DV and so I can appreciate some of what you and your daughter may be experiencing. The guy sounds very dangerous and people who rape can never become the loving or supportive partner that I imagine your daughter longs for. It is also NOT her responsibility to try to mend him, there are psychiatrists and therapists who can teach him skills to help manage his quick temper and rage, but he will always be essentially the same person.  

    I know that the time when a relationship ends is the most dangerous time for the survivor as the perpetrator has lost control over them and tries to re-establish it through violence (and/or charm). 

    As your daughter has been in a romantic relationship with the perpetrator, she will feel emotionally rocky and confused and her physiological attachment system will be unsettled by the separation. It may be this system that could be underlying her confusing impulse to reconnect with him (and his charming lies). 

    I'm wondering if it would help your daughter to read some of the factual evidence base regarding DV and the type of individuals who perpetrate this violence? 

    If so, I highly recommend the book 'Power and Control; Why charming men make dangerous lovers'. There's a Guardian newspaper link and article about it here:

    https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jun/24/charming-men-dangerous-lovers-sandra-horley-domestic-violence-refuge-book-abuse

    This link also has some good info and the illustration below shows the cycle of abuse:

    https://www.norfolk.gov.uk/safety/domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/power-and-control-wheel

    I wish both you and your daughter well. 

     

Children