Published on 12, July, 2020
Can any one please help, my Daughter has been in a domesticly violent relationship for 3 yrs. She has been repeatedly raped and beaten.
The perpetrator has recently left, but my daughter has become extremely ill and fretful of what will happen to other women if he is on the streets.
She is convinced it is her responsibility to make sure he is caught and rehabilitated!!
And is also convinced that if he goes to prison he will come back to her a new man? I am extremely scared for her welfare as she just does not seem to see the dangers even though she's lived them for 3rs.
She recently let him in to her home were I was sleeping because he totaly convinced her he loved her, we have voice recordings of him offering her money, and claiming he is being helped with counciling. He has also been sleeping with others whilst away from her also.
But although the safety unit set up cameras for her safety, and put four locks on her door she still fell for his lies, and allowed him into her home were we both could have been killed.
He raped her again and the DI is funding it hard to believe her story because if she was so scared if him, why would she let him in her home. And why couldn't she scream for help, or say no To him!!
And also when they arrested him, she was cradling his head saying please don't get angry for me, you no you need help please do the right thing and they will help you and we can be together...
And why she wanted to kiss him good bye!They seem to not understand the guilt my beautiful daughter is carrying for calling the police, and how she needs to make it all ok in her head in order for her to process it.
I am totally exhausted and heart broken watching her totaly destroy her self for this evil human being. The night after all this happend Rebecca went into a complete melt down and started loosing it on me hurting my arm in the process!!
This is extremely unusual for Rebecca, and she also took an over dose, I am so very scared I'm going to loose my daughter through all this. And I'm even more scared by the police officers attitude, and the way he has an opinion on Rebecca but he doesn't no her, or what's she's lived with and the impact it has had on her.
Can any one please offer me some advise, I'm truely at the end of my tether with ignorant people who think they no it all but no nothing in reality, well to do with an Aspie Women any how.
Regards Claire x
It's a real shame Agreed - it'd be good to see that people are being supported.
I doubt they will, sadly.
I hope that they have indeed been directly in touch. If they had it would maybe serve to reassure others in a similar situation with a mod post to say that the individual had been approached and offered support
Trying to boost this thread with another comment. I'm surprised that the subject line wasn't enough to draw the mods here.
I really hope they reply soon - this is such an important thread.
FIVE days since my last post and the moderators have BEEN on the forum but completely ignored this situation and not offered any help or guidance.
Some autistic people can be very vulnerable and more likely as a result to succumb and be victims of such abuse and exploitation by others. I am also a survivor.... or at least learning to become one.
Please do talk to the people from Women's Aid, The Domestic Abuse Helpline. If you are entitled to legal aid you may be able to apply for a non-molestation order... if you don't it is a 28 page form and if you have to pay for legal representation (unless you want to do it yourself) it will cost about £1000.
I hope things are ok and hope to see you on the forum soon.
Sounds like he may need to meet Mr Hickory!
I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. These resources look really helpful.
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I hope you were able to get in touch with the NAS Helpline and that they were able to offer some advice (I spotted that Aidie suggested this).
I really hope your daughter gets the support she needs and that horrific man is locked away.
Hi Claire,
I'm a survivor of DV and so I can appreciate some of what you and your daughter may be experiencing. The guy sounds very dangerous and people who rape can never become the loving or supportive partner that I imagine your daughter longs for. It is also NOT her responsibility to try to mend him, there are psychiatrists and therapists who can teach him skills to help manage his quick temper and rage, but he will always be essentially the same person.
I know that the time when a relationship ends is the most dangerous time for the survivor as the perpetrator has lost control over them and tries to re-establish it through violence (and/or charm).
As your daughter has been in a romantic relationship with the perpetrator, she will feel emotionally rocky and confused and her physiological attachment system will be unsettled by the separation. It may be this system that could be underlying her confusing impulse to reconnect with him (and his charming lies).
I'm wondering if it would help your daughter to read some of the factual evidence base regarding DV and the type of individuals who perpetrate this violence?
If so, I highly recommend the book 'Power and Control; Why charming men make dangerous lovers'. There's a Guardian newspaper link and article about it here:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jun/24/charming-men-dangerous-lovers-sandra-horley-domestic-violence-refuge-book-abuse
This link also has some good info and the illustration below shows the cycle of abuse:
https://www.norfolk.gov.uk/safety/domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/power-and-control-wheel
I wish both you and your daughter well.
Replying to this is the moderators have NOT replied. This scenario is far too common and is not being supported or discussed by NAS
Could I suggest contacting whichever of these organisations feels most appropriate to you:
https://www.gov.uk/report-domestic-abuse
While they won't necessarily be any more familiar with the challenges an Aspie woman faces they will take the time to listen and try to understand. Equally importantly, they will have experience with working with the police on these matters, and be able to provide you with support from a more independent perspective.
i hope he gets what is coming to him, for Rape and taking advantage of a vunerable disabled person. Remind the police Autism is a Disability under the law. Ask them to put a restaining order on him so they have more power to arrest him when he is even near her.
the sucide part is very worrying so please ring NAS tomorrow. Suicide is high in people with autism.
Hi aidie, thank you for your reply I really appreciate your in put and understand she needs space.
I am just so concerned because the police are seeing this totaly wrong, and he mentioned to me she's not coping and he thinks she should be in assisted living.
He has also said this case probley won't go any were,because of Rebecca's persistence!!
But she feels responsible for this man's behaviour because he is obsessed with her, and the DI made the stupid mistake by saying to Rebecca you need to poke the bear!!
Clearly he is not ofay with how literal aspie's can be, Rebecca said to me "But he told me to poke the bear mum, and when I did and got him back here, I'm being had a go at"
I really do feel I need legal help because this man is so dangerous and hi e really needs locking up.
My daughter is incontinent and he would rape her in her sleep, how sick and depraved can a person get!!
hi claire,
this must be awful for you.
clearly ur daughter cant deal with losing her "boyfriend" and the strong emotions (new?) involved. so i can understand why she is so upset. i have the same instant one sided bonding thing as well. i was upset on my first breakup for months.
But she needs guidance on what is toxic, abusive, not love. A list of rules.
right now u may not exist in her obsessive thoughts. try giving her some space ( i dont feel good saying that )
remove all tablets to reduce overdoses.
because of the overdose please ring NAS helpline tomorrow for their more professional advice on 2 fronts , for your daughters well being, and also for your well being. I hope they can get u in touch with a social worker to help support u both.
0808 800 4104.
very few ppl, not just the police, really understand autistic behaviour and how overwhelming it is for rebecca and you.
bottom line here is that your daughter was correct for contacting the police and she probably knows this.
aidie