Disappointed in myself

((Aidie)) Not as awesome as you Aidie

((Desmond79)) Hey Desmond! Thanks for this. It's hard to believe this is from about 95 years ago. It's so well written and inspirational. I've copied that into a notepad so I can always look back at it when I'm feeling like I need some inspiration.

((Murmu)) Thanks Murmu. That's very kind of you to say. Have a blessed and beautiful day!

Glad you came back and the fact that you are able to offer support to other people on this thread whilst struggling yourself shows me that you are a kind person. The world definitely needs more kind people like you. 

Hi Emma!

Check out the Desiderata Prose from - roughly - 95 years ago;

www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

you're awesome EmmaGiggles  

((Sorry)) Sorry for not coming online for the last few days. Two hours after posting here my mum fell ill and was hospitalized so its been a bit of a panic here but I'm ok. Not feeling the best but reading your messages has made me feel good and less alone.

((Plastic)) I will try to talk to my eldest sister this afternoon when she gets back from the hospital. I have two brothers and a sister, we lost our dad a few years ago but I'm extremely close to my sister so I think it's best if I tell her how I'm feeling.

Volunteering is a good idea. I'm not sure what I'd be good at though, I'm pretty useless at everything.

((Steve)) That's great that that worked for you. I like the term you used 'little pockets' of joy Actually thinking about it I do have a few things which I want to work towards. I do a lot of art and would like to try and get better at it. Maybe that's a goal to work towards and can be one of my little pockets of joy?

((Aidie)) Thanks for the advice. I do need to get it sorted asap, so it is possible my sister will take me to the gp when we've spoken later. I also like the idea of trying some meditations from YouTube. If that could help reduce the stress and anxiety then that would be great.

((K)) Hey K thanks for your inspirational message. This has inspired me actually and now I'm definitely going to look at setting goals regarding my art. It's nothing special but around this time of year I draw Christmas scenes, like snowy villages and reindeer flying through the sky. I'm glad you get that feeling of accomplishment. You sound like a talented woman. 

I'm sorry you're going through the same struggles as well. Don't put yourself down. You've inspired me today and as my sister often says everyone is beautiful inside and out

And you're definitely not alone with that feeling when you read books. I am exactly the same! It's a really special feeling I get when I read a book.

((Murmu)) It's not being treated yet and my family don't know, I intend to tell my sister today, but I do like your idea about writing sounds good to me. That sounds like a really positive thing to do. I can't think of anything at the moment, but I'm sure there's something I can write.

I'm glad it made a positive difference for you, even if it didn't seem like it would at first. I'll let you know if it starts to work for me. I'm going to try and be a bit more active here

is your depression being treated? I find it hard to remember sometimes when I am depressed that my thoughts are not necessarily true. So your depression is telling you these things but it does not mean it is true. Your family sound great - can you ask them why they love you if you can't think of any reasons to love yourself at the moment? Can you try and write down one good thing each day - just one for now and then once that becomes easier aim for three? I know the first time I was told to do this I thought it was a stupid idea but over time it does help me be a bit more positive. Part of ASD is feeling different I think - it is for me anyway - and that is really hard. But you have something in common with people on here already and your family love you. That's a starting place. I hope you can get some help for your depression - it is an illness and is not who you are even if it feels like it is in charge at the moment.

Hello Emma, 

Your honesty really strike home with me because I feel the same as you but even before I was diagnosed I was an outcast unable to fit anywhere, no one had faith in me I too look like the thing from the void. 

I'm sure you don't look that bad anyway. 

but my point is other people including me have gone and still go through what you are going through.

So let me tell you what I do and I hope it might inspire a bit of relief for you. 

I find something I like to  do and set a goal for me it's making thing so I want to paint a jacket but I will take lots of time find the best way to do it best paints for the job make my design and start the best I possibly can until I finish, 

When it is finished I feel I've accomplished something this really helps me when I feel worthless. 

Also learn something random, language, driving, archery (cool choice), clothes making, This helps me.

Read all of the greatest books written this I still haven't done, but when you say to yourself I have experienced the work of some the greatest writers who have ever lived I feel I've been given an insight to those minds and sometimes adjust my own outlook on life. 

Hi Emma, i have been here. whilst in school i determined that the only meaning to life was to reproduce pass your knowledge and die, struggling with all forms of romantic relationship i felt that my life was pointless and would continually plan to end my life on the premises that it had no meaning. I too put value in physical appearance, successful careers and strong social circles but as time goes on i began to understand that although important these attributes do not in themselves achieve purpose or even happiness. 
  The point that i stopped trying to fit into everyone else's norm and just did as 'plastic' suggests (pick a few goals and work towards them one at a time adding more as your grow and learn who you are and what makes you tick) the easier i found it to find little pockets of joy in my life and then when i found myself planning 'the end' i would think that i just want to hit my next goal first and now i am 30 and still kicking. also when you find comfort in your own wants and desires you tend to meet similar minded people along the way where you can build meaningful friendships / relationships..
  don't put too much value in society definition of success as everyone is chasing happiness so therefore nobody has found one true answer.. 

the depression has to treated and stopped/reduced - please talk to your GP when u can and how to tackle it. 

then start rebuilding yourself by tackling your low self esteem and anxiety( which is probably there as well ) 

i did it via guided meditations on Youtube (reduced anxiety and risk of depression). Please give them a try.

ask me more questions if need be.

Hi Emma

Your feelings are very common - you're very young and you've really only just finished education - your life has been very prescribed and ordered from childhood.     Everyone has told you what to do and how to do it - and you've suddenly popped out into the adult word of total freedom and no rules - it's a really uncomfortable place for us.   You have so many options that you can't work out what to do.

Are you able to talk to your parents about this?      They may be very worried about you and afraid to talk to you about it - I'd guess they'd love to help you move forward if they were aware that you'd like to do something different.

Without any guidance or direction, you're just paddling in circles so you will get stressed.      I would suggest a couple of things - have a good think and write out a bucket list of things you've always wanted to see and do and places you'd love to visit.       Make a very long list and keep it live - keep adding to it as you think of things or see things that inspire you on tv.        Then look at it and see if any are possible right now.    (my niece always wanted to do indoor skydiving - and there's a place near to us - so we went and did it).

Something else to try is volunteering - there's usually a local paper or look on the internet for any charities near you and offer yourself for a day or two to help them out - you'd be surprised at how many places just need some help to sort something out or help to empty cupboards or move some things - get yourself known in the community.     Old people's homes love to have visitors to chat to people to give some variety to the old people's days.     When you get out and about, you'll often see other opportunities for yourself.    I'd avoid volunteering for charity shops - it can be too much pressure and commitment if you're not sure what you want to do.