ASD traits or ASD?

Piki86 said:

is it possible to have ASD traits without actually having ASD

Yes. A large part of the way some people behave is due to their socialisation.

My husband was brought up by an autistic step-dad. He's quite clearly a NT but as he learnt some of his behaviours from this man in these ways he acts like an aspie.

That's interesting. I think my traits are more in the way I think or struggle to analyse things rather than how I act. But I don't seem to have certain traits which might be necessary to be diagnosed as having ASD, for instance I don't think I get sensory overloads, more like emotional overloads. That said I do have sensitivity to sound and smell, but maybe not to the extent that they would cause a meltdown. And I have several intense passions and although I do find it easy to learn new things and skills and can get intensely focused on them, I don't research them in detail as I don't like research, which doesn't sound like it's really fitting of ASD. But most other aspects I strongly recognise myself in.

I initially thought my dad was autistic, and I wasn't. Now I realise that we both are. When I believed that I *wasn't* autistic, I think what was happening was that I defined (neuro)"typical" according to my own experience (circular logic - I'm like me, and I'm typical, therefore I'm typical), and it took a long time for me to readjust and recalibrate to allow myself to believe that, objectively, I am autistic.

Like you, I don't have meltdowns but I have had several severe bouts of what looked like depression & may well have been but might also count as burnout / emotional overload.

That's the kind of stuff I think about with people at work too! And I feel super guilty at even thinking of not socialising. In a way I want to socialise but then don't enjoy the process, feel super stressed about it. But I crave what other people have, in terms of an easy going friendly time with a bunch of mates. So I put myself in those situations, I try, but it's stressful and it's effort. Recently, thinking that there was a good chance I at least had some ASD traits, I've allowed myself to do what I wanted, what I felt like doing, what made me happy, instead of what was expected or what I thought was expected. And I feel much calmer and happier as a result. Managing to say no to an invitation, telling myself I don't have to feel guilty, the truth is I just don't want to go, so I don't. I mean I also socialise, but when I feel like it. And so far it's helping.

And I'm still not 100% sure that I stim, but if stimming is just physical and sensory stimulation, then I do it. I'm always doing something. Biting my lip, playing with my hair, with my nails (not biting them, just playing with my nails with my fingers), playing with my fingers, playing with my lips... Nothing that noticeable apart from the lips thing, which I try and avoid doing in front of people. It's not out of stress, it seems to be when I'm thinking or focusing.

Anyway I hope getting your diagnosis has been positive for you and is helping you to understand yourself better :)

Yes I did get a diagnosis back in July - and I relate to an awful lot of what you said there. I think there's quite a range of "invisible" stims - like teeth grinding, muscle tensing, finger tapping ....

Ditto to the internal thought processes - I remember meeting a new manager at work and as I walked down to reception to pick them up for the first time I was thinking "remember to give good eye contact .......... remember to give good eye contact .." on a loop in my head. In conversations in groups at work (which I now try to avoid) I've so often been thinking consciously "How's my body language? Do I look like I'm listening? What does it mean that that person is scratching their nose? Insecurity? Covering something up? Itchy nose?" Sometimes I've even asked people "Do you all have arms folded because I'm saying something that you don't believe in or find threatening, or are you just cold?"

Eye contact has always strained me - and it amazes me that I feel uncomfortable doing it *and* uncomfortable not doing it when I believe that I should - i.e. rock and hard place. So I tend to look at people's mouths, but even that gets fatiguing quite quickly - and this is probably the main reason that I feel the need to escape from social situations at work (apart from the chaotic background noise and feeling mental intertia when someone tries small talk).

My diagnosis has at least given me understanding, and allowed me to give myself permission to say "No" to lunch especially after a meeting (something I've always found pretty horrible - occasions where you've spent a morning discussing boring stuff with boring people, and then you have to stay together as a group for lunch / evening meal?). No wonder I used to find the quiet of the hotel bedroom so appealing and wanted to eat alone there, or drank all of the wine if I was at the table!

Thank you for explaining. And did you get an official diagnosis? I'm finding that the more I read or hear about ASD, especially women with ASD, I realise that I do things that I didn't even realise I did. Like stimming. I thought stimming was only things like hands flapping or rocking as they're the most talked about, but as I started understanding more about why people stim I realised I did it too, although mine seem mostly socially acceptable which is why I never really noticed them before. Or masking. I had always had a very busy internal thought process any time I was with people but never thought to analyse it. But having heard more about masking I realised I was constantly wondering if my face was making the appropriate expression, if I was reacting right, or too much, I was always trying to read between the lines and questioning what people actually meant or expected from me, and finally understood why I feel exhausted after any social gathering and feel the need to be on my own after a bit as I just want to stop thinking. But before I just thought I was shy or socially awkward, because I didn't know to pay attention to my internal thought process.

Thank you for explaining. And did you get an official diagnosis? I'm finding that the more I read or hear about ASD, especially women with ASD, I realise that I do things that I didn't even realise I did. Like stimming. I thought stimming was only things like hands flapping or rocking as they're the most talked about, but as I started understanding more about why people stim I realised I did it too, although mine seem mostly socially acceptable which is why I never really noticed them before. Or masking. I had always had a very busy internal thought process any time I was with people but never thought to analyse it. But having heard more about masking I realised I was constantly wondering if my face was making the appropriate expression, if I was reacting right, or too much, I was always trying to read between the lines and questioning what people actually meant or expected from me, and finally understood why I feel exhausted after any social gathering and feel the need to be on my own after a bit as I just want to stop thinking. But before I just thought I was shy or socially awkward, because I didn't know to pay attention to my internal thought process.

That's the kind of stuff I think about with people at work too! And I feel super guilty at even thinking of not socialising. In a way I want to socialise but then don't enjoy the process, feel super stressed about it. But I crave what other people have, in terms of an easy going friendly time with a bunch of mates. So I put myself in those situations, I try, but it's stressful and it's effort. Recently, thinking that there was a good chance I at least had some ASD traits, I've allowed myself to do what I wanted, what I felt like doing, what made me happy, instead of what was expected or what I thought was expected. And I feel much calmer and happier as a result. Managing to say no to an invitation, telling myself I don't have to feel guilty, the truth is I just don't want to go, so I don't. I mean I also socialise, but when I feel like it. And so far it's helping.

And I'm still not 100% sure that I stim, but if stimming is just physical and sensory stimulation, then I do it. I'm always doing something. Biting my lip, playing with my hair, with my nails (not biting them, just playing with my nails with my fingers), playing with my fingers, playing with my lips... Nothing that noticeable apart from the lips thing, which I try and avoid doing in front of people. It's not out of stress, it seems to be when I'm thinking or focusing.

Anyway I hope getting your diagnosis has been positive for you and is helping you to understand yourself better :)

Yes I did get a diagnosis back in July - and I relate to an awful lot of what you said there. I think there's quite a range of "invisible" stims - like teeth grinding, muscle tensing, finger tapping ....

Ditto to the internal thought processes - I remember meeting a new manager at work and as I walked down to reception to pick them up for the first time I was thinking "remember to give good eye contact .......... remember to give good eye contact .." on a loop in my head. In conversations in groups at work (which I now try to avoid) I've so often been thinking consciously "How's my body language? Do I look like I'm listening? What does it mean that that person is scratching their nose? Insecurity? Covering something up? Itchy nose?" Sometimes I've even asked people "Do you all have arms folded because I'm saying something that you don't believe in or find threatening, or are you just cold?"

Eye contact has always strained me - and it amazes me that I feel uncomfortable doing it *and* uncomfortable not doing it when I believe that I should - i.e. rock and hard place. So I tend to look at people's mouths, but even that gets fatiguing quite quickly - and this is probably the main reason that I feel the need to escape from social situations at work (apart from the chaotic background noise and feeling mental intertia when someone tries small talk).

My diagnosis has at least given me understanding, and allowed me to give myself permission to say "No" to lunch especially after a meeting (something I've always found pretty horrible - occasions where you've spent a morning discussing boring stuff with boring people, and then you have to stay together as a group for lunch / evening meal?). No wonder I used to find the quiet of the hotel bedroom so appealing and wanted to eat alone there, or drank all of the wine if I was at the table!