Impatient with autistic partner

I am going through alot of stress trying to find us a new house and me a new job and my partner who has autism is driving me nuts. Before you all go mad lol I need to learn to be more Patient but it seems I am thinking for my partner and making every single decision in our relationship. They seem to mimic everything I do and i can't take the responsibility. My partner has lived on their own for years before me albeit a shell of themselves. To use their words. How do I know if I am being too impatient or if they have just become overly dependent on me? How much is the autism? They have a full time job and very independent with certain things so they are not in need of a professional carer. I love them so much and can't bear this feeling. We have spoken about this to no avail. 

  • Second what Tiny says about emotions in other people - I describe myself as being like a puppy when their owner is having some kind of strong emotion... I don't know whether to bark, whine or bite someone... so I end up peeing on the floor!

    What I mean is I can recognise that 'a' strong emotion is occurring, but not necessarily which one and therefore have no idea what I should be doing, other than I should be doing something...

    It's very distressing...

  • Also (although this will be something else added on top of a schedule) maybe couples therapy could help. 

  • Give them small responsibilities they can handle that can add up to taking the load off of you. Also if you need them to do things but they don’t know how, show them first. 

  • You are not alone on this. It takes me so long to get through to my partner and I end up getting frustrated which I hate because it sounds horrible. Being blatant is a good thing if you can try and stay calm, remember they need obvious communication. Communication can be hard. Just last night I realised after so many years of thinking our number 1 thing is communicating that it’s actually not, we are always on different pages but time and patience can bring you back to the same page. Try and stay calm and do it in steps. 

  • NT means neurotypical = non autistic

  • Could it be that you too are distressed, your being on top of things and doing it all is a mask for being upset deep down?

    You may be giving conflicting signals, on one hand you 've got it, on the other you are upset. You partner might find it double difficult to interpret and to figure out how to best respond.  Autistic people are not known for identifying emotions very well. You partner might be confused about his emotions too.

    Personally, even if I can identify the emotion, often I feel totally clueless what to do about it, so I ignore it and continue my own 'keep calm' routine. 

    You both need to stop and have a moment of calm and emotional connections, drop all the masks an appearance of activity and acknowledge how this is upsetting for both of you. It will be easier to talk it over from this point, maybe?, 

  • How can I get them to open up? That only happens after screaming at them. I have asked them to write me, asked what they are thinking or feeling and get dismissed. We can relax together but everything is such a mission and all my responsibility to organise. If up to them we would be sitting on the sofa on out phones every day and night :( 

    I am a painfully honest person and quite brutal and blatent. The total opposite of my partner (who is not a he lol) 

  • What is NT?

    I have tried giving them responsibility and step away but nothing gets done. I hadlve to step in as they kept getting fobbed off or things get worse. I have asked them to write to me to tell me their feelings but they won't. But says it's a good idea. I am literally doing everything and when I don't nothing happens. 

  • Maybe your partner decided that being seen to support your every move is their best way to support you?

    I suspect this is the case... your OH is probably not coping well but realises they 'should' be supporting you and is 'faking' this as best they can...

    I say 'faking' deliberately as it sounds like they are mimicking behaviour they believe is how NTs 'show support'...

    Best bet is probably to be clear about what you need from them, maybe give a clear area of responsibility that they can take on so you don't have to?

  • Moving houses is not something easy to get used to. Your partner clearly realises the inevitable and is trying to support your moves to show support and cope. This doesn't mean he really accepted it and actually copes. Maybe this is what you are seeing, him not coping. You indeed need to talk. but from a point of being calm and emotionally connected, not from a point of distress masked by the appearance of activity.. Try to do something really relaxing for both of you, when you can forget all worries and open up. Did you share your distress at the situation or do you do 'keep calm and carry on' thing? Maybe your partner thinks you are coping with distress so wonderfully that the only thing he is allowed is to 'toughen up' and support you?

  • I have been pushed from pillar to post my whole life so am used to it. We have no choice with the move. The Mimicking is literal from finishing my senetances to getting up when I do (which are new things)

    And no we don't communicate enough I keep asking them to open up but they simply won't do it

  • It must be very anxiety provoking to have to move to a new house and deal with change of jobs. You partner might find this difficult to cope with. Did he buy in the house move, like really.? Do you communicate enough? 

    Maybe your partner decided that being seen to support your every move is their best way to support you?