Published on 12, July, 2020
I am going through alot of stress trying to find us a new house and me a new job and my partner who has autism is driving me nuts. Before you all go mad lol I need to learn to be more Patient but it seems I am thinking for my partner and making every single decision in our relationship. They seem to mimic everything I do and i can't take the responsibility. My partner has lived on their own for years before me albeit a shell of themselves. To use their words. How do I know if I am being too impatient or if they have just become overly dependent on me? How much is the autism? They have a full time job and very independent with certain things so they are not in need of a professional carer. I love them so much and can't bear this feeling. We have spoken about this to no avail.
Tinyexplorer said:Maybe your partner decided that being seen to support your every move is their best way to support you?
I suspect this is the case... your OH is probably not coping well but realises they 'should' be supporting you and is 'faking' this as best they can...
I say 'faking' deliberately as it sounds like they are mimicking behaviour they believe is how NTs 'show support'...
Best bet is probably to be clear about what you need from them, maybe give a clear area of responsibility that they can take on so you don't have to?
What is NT?
I have tried giving them responsibility and step away but nothing gets done. I hadlve to step in as they kept getting fobbed off or things get worse. I have asked them to write to me to tell me their feelings but they won't. But says it's a good idea. I am literally doing everything and when I don't nothing happens.
Could it be that you too are distressed, your being on top of things and doing it all is a mask for being upset deep down?
You may be giving conflicting signals, on one hand you 've got it, on the other you are upset. You partner might find it double difficult to interpret and to figure out how to best respond. Autistic people are not known for identifying emotions very well. You partner might be confused about his emotions too.
Personally, even if I can identify the emotion, often I feel totally clueless what to do about it, so I ignore it and continue my own 'keep calm' routine.
You both need to stop and have a moment of calm and emotional connections, drop all the masks an appearance of activity and acknowledge how this is upsetting for both of you. It will be easier to talk it over from this point, maybe?,
Second what Tiny says about emotions in other people - I describe myself as being like a puppy when their owner is having some kind of strong emotion... I don't know whether to bark, whine or bite someone... so I end up peeing on the floor!
What I mean is I can recognise that 'a' strong emotion is occurring, but not necessarily which one and therefore have no idea what I should be doing, other than I should be doing something...
It's very distressing...