Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm looking for some advice on how to cope better with my mother in law who I have suspected as having some sort of Autism since I met her more than a decade ago (she's now in her 70s). As far as I am aware, she has never sought a diagnosis - but sometimes I feel like she might be aware that she is different to other people. As for my husbands family - there is a mix in terms of who does and does not think she does. My husband is reluctant to talk about it, I think he thinks I'm being nasty for suggesting it, even when I say that a diagnosis might help us understand her better. For my husbands immediate family; I guess it's what they're all used to so they just block it out and then occasionally get very angry with her when her behaviour tips into the unmanageable. My FIL has a strange ability to act almost as if she isn't there at all.
The reason I'm looking for some advice on here now is that we now spend a lot more time with my MIL now my husband and I have children of our own. And to be honest, I now dread the times we see her. I find myself becoming incredibly anxious because I feel trapped - I'm acutely aware it's not my place to 'manage' the conversation (on any topic, nevermind bringing up one on Autism) but it feels like everyone is in a constant state of stress the whole time she is there.
I understand that she herself is probably finding the situation difficult - and that's why we see such an intensive display of some of the most challenging communication behaviour i.e. repeatedly telling the same very long detailed stories with no narrative (but packed full of pointless detail) using the exact same phasing/ words/ sentences and even the same strange intonations on some of the specific words. She's incredibly bright and has a fantastic memory for facts and details. In this example - she will often continue even if you remind her she's already told you the story and she will often launch into it even if people are already having a conversation about something completely unrelated. If you try and continue the conversation you were having she will just tend to continue and speak even more loudly (often she will basically start shouting). If she's not telling one of these stories - she'll often parrot (pick out a word you've just said and repeat it) but she'll do this continuously the whole time someone is speaking and it's incredibly distracting.
I don't know if this sounds like I'm being unreasonable (dangerous question to ask on a forum) - but it's just non-stop. I honestly don't think we've ever had a conventional conversation in the time I've known her as she is just constantly stuck on transmit. I know she doesn't read social cues, but even if you try and tell her/ redirect her - its like she cant hear you. I'm of course happy to listen to any stories she has (and often do, including the repeated ones) but how can we manage to spend time together as a family without her dominating the airwaves all of the time? She is also desperately keen to looking after my todder on her own, but some of her behaviours can be so erratic I'm not convinced my child would be safe. How do I say no in a way she will understand/ listen?
Hi there! THIS IS MY MIL!!! It’s SO weird to know I’m not alone. I’ve known her for 12 years and she doesn’t know ANYTHING about me other than my job, where my mother lives and ta hobby of mine. She can’t stand when I have anything to say and will interrupt or speak over me loudly. Even if I do get something through, I can see her eyes glaze over OR if I’ve had to interrupt her she appears startled and insulted. Either way, she goes right back to telling her saaaaaaame story or new story, both full of details that just absolutely drain me. One of MANY times, I was stuck in the backseat of a car with her while the 4 of us went somewhere and I kid you not she rambled on AT ME about Windsor chairs (her latest obsession). As usual, it was hard to tell when I could even try to ask a question bc there’s not break in her sentences, even breathing is hard to pick up on. My husband and FIL always either stoke her long winded blabberings or leave me to deal with her myself. Despite the dread of visiting, I STILL am polite and listen each time bc she doesn’t have any friends at ALL, but it’s so rude and selfish I’ve begun to resent her over the years. She usually means well, but that’s the thing! It’s so confusing! The only way I can describe her interactions with me at the time is BIZARRE. I’ve begun to think there’s got to be something not quite right bc it’s so illogical and unkind; NO ONE treats others like a recording machine unless somethings off. I often feel belittled, unimportant, and disoriented about reality (if that makes sense) when with her. It’s just shocking to me. I’ve suspected Autism, which is fine! But, she doesn’t seem to have melt downs, so I’ve been unsure. She’s a Brit living here in the States and never shows negative emotion with me. I assumed it was how she was raised. All I want are answers so I can have more understanding and patience. Perhaps, even connect with her more in a way SHE needs. Your post popped up on Google and it was just what I needed to hear. Very comforting. I can’t believe it’s not just my experience. Thank you!
Hello fellow DILs of possible Asperger MILs.
I’m living in Australia and have been married to my husband 10 years . His mother has never asked me anything about myself in the 12 years I’ve known her. She bails me up for a very long time and only talks about herself, how much money she has saved on her electricity bill by using off peak times to cook and shower , how much money she has in the bank , how for she is and what’s on special at the grocery store and depressing stories about rape and murder on the news .
When my first child was born , he would babble to get her attention and she’d ignore him and instead be obsessing about her superannuation fund on the computer .
it’s very similar to what you ladies have described. In the first year of marriage I tried to be a good wife but in the second year my mum passed away while I was pregnant and I was craving a maternal figure , nurturing and kindness (my mother was a super warm , caring , generous person who was a mother to me , my cousins and my school friends growing up) . I told her my mum was such a beautiful caring person and that she and my grandma had a way of helping people in need , she said “Well she can’t help you if she’s dead”and went on to rub it in that my Mum should have been more concerned about looking out for herself . After taking her abrasive remarks for the last 9 years since Mum died (eg Once your mother is dead , that’s it . No one cares about you “, I have progressively cut off from her . We moved 35 minutes away and changed schools , got an intercom so I can see if she’s showing up on our doorstep unbounded and call my hubby . My MIL seems to have a crossover of Asperger’s traits and some narcissistic traits . When I think of her as Asperger’s , I have a much kinder outlook on her but thinking that there’s malice in it only serves to make me a hurt .
I think if she had a label and a diagnosis I wouldn’t take her comments as personally. I work with Aitostic people as a swim teacher and I know they need simple language, clarity , reenforcement etc but when you expect that you a talking to a respected elder , family member and expect a certain emotional and relational connection and are met with brutal comments , it’s shattering and hard not to take it personally .
Hello all. Just to say it's such a relief to read these comments. I'm in the same boat - it's almost bizarre how similar what you report is to how my MIL (undiagnosed autistic) acts. I'll add more later but wanted to say thank you. I'm very sorry for what you've all gone through. "Shattering and hard not to take personally" is exactly my experience. I'm really sorry that someone else has had to endure this but somehow relieved I'm not totally alone. Thank you for posting.