Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm looking for some advice on how to cope better with my mother in law who I have suspected as having some sort of Autism since I met her more than a decade ago (she's now in her 70s). As far as I am aware, she has never sought a diagnosis - but sometimes I feel like she might be aware that she is different to other people. As for my husbands family - there is a mix in terms of who does and does not think she does. My husband is reluctant to talk about it, I think he thinks I'm being nasty for suggesting it, even when I say that a diagnosis might help us understand her better. For my husbands immediate family; I guess it's what they're all used to so they just block it out and then occasionally get very angry with her when her behaviour tips into the unmanageable. My FIL has a strange ability to act almost as if she isn't there at all.
The reason I'm looking for some advice on here now is that we now spend a lot more time with my MIL now my husband and I have children of our own. And to be honest, I now dread the times we see her. I find myself becoming incredibly anxious because I feel trapped - I'm acutely aware it's not my place to 'manage' the conversation (on any topic, nevermind bringing up one on Autism) but it feels like everyone is in a constant state of stress the whole time she is there.
I understand that she herself is probably finding the situation difficult - and that's why we see such an intensive display of some of the most challenging communication behaviour i.e. repeatedly telling the same very long detailed stories with no narrative (but packed full of pointless detail) using the exact same phasing/ words/ sentences and even the same strange intonations on some of the specific words. She's incredibly bright and has a fantastic memory for facts and details. In this example - she will often continue even if you remind her she's already told you the story and she will often launch into it even if people are already having a conversation about something completely unrelated. If you try and continue the conversation you were having she will just tend to continue and speak even more loudly (often she will basically start shouting). If she's not telling one of these stories - she'll often parrot (pick out a word you've just said and repeat it) but she'll do this continuously the whole time someone is speaking and it's incredibly distracting.
I don't know if this sounds like I'm being unreasonable (dangerous question to ask on a forum) - but it's just non-stop. I honestly don't think we've ever had a conventional conversation in the time I've known her as she is just constantly stuck on transmit. I know she doesn't read social cues, but even if you try and tell her/ redirect her - its like she cant hear you. I'm of course happy to listen to any stories she has (and often do, including the repeated ones) but how can we manage to spend time together as a family without her dominating the airwaves all of the time? She is also desperately keen to looking after my todder on her own, but some of her behaviours can be so erratic I'm not convinced my child would be safe. How do I say no in a way she will understand/ listen?
Hiya
I wouldn't mention it again - they all probably suspect but are complicit in ignoring or covering up her behaviours - they've known her for years and accepted it and so you'd be the bad guy for causing waves. Just accept it yourself and find ways to work around it.
Is she showing any dementia signs? How lonely does she get? Does she have any friends or hobbies? She might be so desperate to interact but so clueless at it that it's like a bull in a China shop - and with no moderation between visits, you get the same every time.
One way to interact with her would be redirection - give her a task to do like play noughts and crosses with your toddler to force her to concentrate on working with the toddler under your supervision - take some complex toys over with you so there's some learning on her part - take books and comics for the toddler so granny can read to her - the more tasks you provide, the more you can watch and measure her interaction 'safety factor' to see if you would be comfortable leaving your toddler there - evidence and data is better than a vague suspicion.
Kids are also good judges of character - if toddler wants to interact, let them - encourage it - it might bring out a whole different (and more rational) side to granny. You must remember that she was mum to your husband - he'll see no problems - to him, she's just 'quirky'.
Hi, and thank you for getting back to me. Great idea on the task focused games. She is definitely better when she’s concentrating on something. The trouble sometimes starts when the grandkids don’t play ‘properly’ - she’ll often want them to use the toy or play the game exactly how it should be played so the kids sometimes get frustrated and upset. Maybe this will get easier as the kids get a bit older and can interact with games better.
Overall her memory seems great (has an exacting memory for some topics) but she definitely struggles to remember and enact simple instructions - hence my worry about safety. For example - she’ll often leave the brake off the buggy near busy roads. Or when she’s left alone with the toddler, she’ll get distracted and wonder off. I know she’s raised 3 sons - but I do wonder if this sort of thing is worse now? Or she’s just out of practice?
I do wonder if she’s lonely - she has one specific friend who she is quite obsessed with and talking about this friend is a particular topic of choice. However she doesn’t seem to have other friends - rather people she plays bridge with, people they know from church etc. They don’t ever have friends over for dinner, that sort of thing.
I think you’re definitely onto something with the ‘bull in a China shop’ I get the feeling she’s bursting ready to talk (about what she’s into), but for us it’s our ‘downtime’ so working out how to match her energy is tricky.
I honestly do accept her as she is - I just wish I had an ally to help plan how to manage things/ discuss strategies so we can all be a bit happier. I feel like a diagnosis (or at least a conversation about the possibility) would also make my brother in law and his wife take more responsibility and share the load. Overall they just avoid spending any time with her - they’ve never spent Christmas with my parents in law. It feels like they’ve written her off as hard work, and when she says things which are rude and mean (obviously not on purpose - but no filter) it justifies to them never seeing her rather than understanding it’s a quirk of her personality. She’s not a horrible person at all.
NAS64532 said:I’ve previously just tried to listen politely, or sometimes ignore her if she’s being rude/ talking over people.
I'm autistic but am also in a similar situation to you as the step grandad is undiagnosed autistic.
If we're in a four he directs the conversation at my OH, cutting off me and the MIL off as if we spoke it would mean us talking across them. He also talks over me when I'm talking and it comes across as though he needs to blurt out a social script. Plus, he will drink-drive even if he's only going out for lunch as he's dependant on alcohol to cope with socialising.
Being autistic I'm very aware that although he struggles with social situations this doesn't give him a free pass to be rude and to put others lives at risk with driving over the limit.
In the past, his wife has made him aware of how is actions make others feel and even left him for a while due to how he makes her feel. For example, when he talks over her she feels incredibly disrespected. Now his behaviour's causing difficulties with Granny seeing our child (I avoid their house) I've tried to go through my husband and have asked him to explain to his step dad how he makes me feel. Unfortunately, he hasn't been willing to do this. I haven't attended any gatherings for the last 3 months as his behaviour makes my blood boil. When I do see him again I am going to explain in the moment how I feel about his behaviour. E.g when you say 'Ste, did you see xxx' this doesn't work as you've specifically said you only want Paul to reply and as your talking across me it stops me and Pat from being able to talk, which makes me feel excluded and your behaviour comes across as being rude'
If he doesn't change, I've told my OH that I'll see him for birthdays and Christmas's for the sake of our daughter but I want go to anything else they invite us to, such as a day at the rugby, and I'll explain to them that I won't be going due to the way the step-dad makes me feel. Life's too short to spend it with individuals who are happy to make me feel like rubbish and I don't want my daughter to be around a man who feels it ok to be like this.
She studies a postgraduate certificate in counselling to try and give her a bit of confidence and to help her with her emotions.
She doesn't like to work and he ignores her a lot of the time so the impression I get is, its easier for her to stay with him, especially as she's been abused all her life. It's heartbreaking to see as she's such a lovely woman.
NAS50301 said:If we're in a four he directs the conversation at my OH, cutting off me and the MIL off as if we spoke it would mean us talking across them. He also talks over me when I'm talking and it comes across as though he needs to blurt out a social script. Plus, he will drink-drive even if he's only going out for lunch as he's dependant on alcohol to cope with socialising.
Yes! This is exactly what it’s like. My MIL will often drink (and a bit too much) to compensate. Although is never the driver so doesn’t cause issue there. It’s so difficult - trying not to put your partner in an even more difficult position. Although I guess he is one step removed as it’s a step father and not a direct parent - so slightly less emotionally explosive?
How has your MIL dealt with it all?