Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm looking for some advice on how to cope better with my mother in law who I have suspected as having some sort of Autism since I met her more than a decade ago (she's now in her 70s). As far as I am aware, she has never sought a diagnosis - but sometimes I feel like she might be aware that she is different to other people. As for my husbands family - there is a mix in terms of who does and does not think she does. My husband is reluctant to talk about it, I think he thinks I'm being nasty for suggesting it, even when I say that a diagnosis might help us understand her better. For my husbands immediate family; I guess it's what they're all used to so they just block it out and then occasionally get very angry with her when her behaviour tips into the unmanageable. My FIL has a strange ability to act almost as if she isn't there at all.
The reason I'm looking for some advice on here now is that we now spend a lot more time with my MIL now my husband and I have children of our own. And to be honest, I now dread the times we see her. I find myself becoming incredibly anxious because I feel trapped - I'm acutely aware it's not my place to 'manage' the conversation (on any topic, nevermind bringing up one on Autism) but it feels like everyone is in a constant state of stress the whole time she is there.
I understand that she herself is probably finding the situation difficult - and that's why we see such an intensive display of some of the most challenging communication behaviour i.e. repeatedly telling the same very long detailed stories with no narrative (but packed full of pointless detail) using the exact same phasing/ words/ sentences and even the same strange intonations on some of the specific words. She's incredibly bright and has a fantastic memory for facts and details. In this example - she will often continue even if you remind her she's already told you the story and she will often launch into it even if people are already having a conversation about something completely unrelated. If you try and continue the conversation you were having she will just tend to continue and speak even more loudly (often she will basically start shouting). If she's not telling one of these stories - she'll often parrot (pick out a word you've just said and repeat it) but she'll do this continuously the whole time someone is speaking and it's incredibly distracting.
I don't know if this sounds like I'm being unreasonable (dangerous question to ask on a forum) - but it's just non-stop. I honestly don't think we've ever had a conventional conversation in the time I've known her as she is just constantly stuck on transmit. I know she doesn't read social cues, but even if you try and tell her/ redirect her - its like she cant hear you. I'm of course happy to listen to any stories she has (and often do, including the repeated ones) but how can we manage to spend time together as a family without her dominating the airwaves all of the time? She is also desperately keen to looking after my todder on her own, but some of her behaviours can be so erratic I'm not convinced my child would be safe. How do I say no in a way she will understand/ listen?
Hiya
I wouldn't mention it again - they all probably suspect but are complicit in ignoring or covering up her behaviours - they've known her for years and accepted it and so you'd be the bad guy for causing waves. Just accept it yourself and find ways to work around it.
Is she showing any dementia signs? How lonely does she get? Does she have any friends or hobbies? She might be so desperate to interact but so clueless at it that it's like a bull in a China shop - and with no moderation between visits, you get the same every time.
One way to interact with her would be redirection - give her a task to do like play noughts and crosses with your toddler to force her to concentrate on working with the toddler under your supervision - take some complex toys over with you so there's some learning on her part - take books and comics for the toddler so granny can read to her - the more tasks you provide, the more you can watch and measure her interaction 'safety factor' to see if you would be comfortable leaving your toddler there - evidence and data is better than a vague suspicion.
Kids are also good judges of character - if toddler wants to interact, let them - encourage it - it might bring out a whole different (and more rational) side to granny. You must remember that she was mum to your husband - he'll see no problems - to him, she's just 'quirky'.
Hi, and thank you for getting back to me. Great idea on the task focused games. She is definitely better when she’s concentrating on something. The trouble sometimes starts when the grandkids don’t play ‘properly’ - she’ll often want them to use the toy or play the game exactly how it should be played so the kids sometimes get frustrated and upset. Maybe this will get easier as the kids get a bit older and can interact with games better.
Overall her memory seems great (has an exacting memory for some topics) but she definitely struggles to remember and enact simple instructions - hence my worry about safety. For example - she’ll often leave the brake off the buggy near busy roads. Or when she’s left alone with the toddler, she’ll get distracted and wonder off. I know she’s raised 3 sons - but I do wonder if this sort of thing is worse now? Or she’s just out of practice?
I do wonder if she’s lonely - she has one specific friend who she is quite obsessed with and talking about this friend is a particular topic of choice. However she doesn’t seem to have other friends - rather people she plays bridge with, people they know from church etc. They don’t ever have friends over for dinner, that sort of thing.
I think you’re definitely onto something with the ‘bull in a China shop’ I get the feeling she’s bursting ready to talk (about what she’s into), but for us it’s our ‘downtime’ so working out how to match her energy is tricky.
I honestly do accept her as she is - I just wish I had an ally to help plan how to manage things/ discuss strategies so we can all be a bit happier. I feel like a diagnosis (or at least a conversation about the possibility) would also make my brother in law and his wife take more responsibility and share the load. Overall they just avoid spending any time with her - they’ve never spent Christmas with my parents in law. It feels like they’ve written her off as hard work, and when she says things which are rude and mean (obviously not on purpose - but no filter) it justifies to them never seeing her rather than understanding it’s a quirk of her personality. She’s not a horrible person at all.
Autistic people tend to have few friends so from what you say, she sounds incredibly lonely - so much so that she can't hold it in when she sees a new face. The fact she wants to talk to/at/over you means she's probably trying really hard to be your friend - take that as an honour.
Like you say, I think she's really out of practice so it sounds like you'll have to get more involved in the short term to 'train' her and the toddler to work together and find their middle ground - sort of a referee - so they both learn the rules of how to play together. Try other activities like drawing or other creative things where the rules are more flexible - Lego is always good.
We tend to like to talk about things we know about - so if you can control the environment, it will make the interaction smoother - some other things that would work are outdoor visits to zoos, woodland, rivers etc. where she can get her own cogs running remembering stuff to teach toddler all about trees and nature - it's all about quality time together - and you can get both of them to burn excess energy so they'll both be easier to handle afterwards.
Sounds like brother in law can't be bothered - I'd guess his wife is driving that opinion - she will be more focussed on her own family and men are usually easily driven.
NAS64532 said: maybe I’ll try an email with an itinerary and meals (food is one of the biggest issues when we meet up). But try not to enter into a discussion or just make suggestions that she feels like she needs to reply/ do anything.
If you're trying to find a way that works for both of you, instead of making changes and hoping they work shouldn't you approach you MIL about this first to see if it the plan is suitable? You could text her about your idea and ask her if she thinks it'll work, that way she can have a think about it as she isn't required to respond on the spot.
NAS64532 said:In the past I know my husband has tried to give her guidance on how to socialise better - but I think, as plastic describes so well, she just gets so over excited/ stressed that she always reverts back to how she is.
As a teacher, I don't think its anything to do with being excited and stressed. Its more to do with the lack of support she is being provided with and it was only mentioned once and then forgotten about so it was easiee to revert back to her old self. The MIL will need constant re-enforcement, encouragement and praise to help her change behaviour she has been practising for 70 years.
You could possibly just quietly mention to her that you see her get very stressed when everyone is visiting her - and ask is there anything you could do to make it easier for her?
A big problem is from childhood we're taught not to make a fuss and not complain and be on best (false) behaviour with company - it becomes automatic and inappropriate but it's so deeply programmed that it's hard to switch it off and be just ourselves.
Thank you for this response - I think as I replied above to Plastic maybe I’ll try an email with an itinerary and meals (food is one of the biggest issues when we meet up). But try not to enter into a discussion or just make suggestions that she feels like she needs to reply/ do anything.
I honestly wish I could sit down with her and just talk bluntly about everything - my own family are very blunt/to the point. You always know what everyone thinks of you/ choices you’re making! In the past I know my husband has tried to give her guidance on how to socialise better - but I think, as plastic describes so well, she just gets so over excited/ stressed that she always reverts back to how she is.
Interesting! She is a fan of email (even though she can and does text) and absolutely loves a letter. Explains why I have received some strange letters over the years explaining in detail her feelings on a topic I had long since forgotten we’d spoken about. We’re all (including 1 brother in law and family) meeting up next weekend at her house so the perfect opportunity to try and send an email before with an outline of plans etc.
NAS64532 said:how can we manage to spend time together as a family without her dominating the airwaves all of the time? She is also desperately keen to looking after my todder on her own, but some of her behaviours can be so erratic I'm not convinced my child would be safe. How do I say no in a way she will understand/ listen?
The thing with autistics is were as diverse as our NT counterparts. I'd hate the extra text conversations (they'd cause me a lot of anxiety) and if there's an issue I need the effected individuals to be direct with me. I'm not able to read through the lines to pick up issues and I absolutely hate conversations where people skirt around a problem.
If I don't know a problem exists and why its a problem there's nothing I can do about it. As such, if I was Granny I'd prefer for you to sit down with me and tell me straight that you felt uncomfortable in social situations for x y and z. I'd also like you to point out in future interactions if you were feeling uncomfortable and why.
The problem is she will be excited about seeing you but hugely anxious about interacting with you all - on her home ground. She'll be so stressed that her ability to adapt on the fly to a random situation while also trying to be mum to her son, granny and MIL etc. - and trying to please everyone with conflicting needs - you're wanting to relax, kids want to play - adults want to talk, kids want to run around - it's too much. If she feels she hasn't done well on your previous visits, it will just load extra anxiety onto the next visit.
Does she use e-mail or texting? You would find it much easier to be in written communication with her in the days before visiting - to give her time to assimilate the plans of your impending visits and get all the stress out of it - she would have time to process your messages and have time to formulate an answer - it keeps it calm and emotion-free so she knows when you're coming, who is coming, what things you're bringing for the kids to play with, if she needs to feed you, what you all eat, where you'd like to go out etc. Perfect planning prevents poor performance We find non-verbal communication very difficult so you need to say what you mean and make it simple and clear - remove ambiguity.
She's trying hard but it sounds like she's easily overloaded and overwhelmed when you all arrive in her safe environment - and she has nowhere to escape to - so she has to try to get through the best she can - no matter how badly she does. The speaking over people will be because she's at 150% overload and she's trying to control/make order in her brain - which comes over as rude and blunt. Try making the situation simpler - get your husband to look after toddler etc so she can remove the chaotic elements and get back to order in her mind.
Every unknown is stress to us - the more you can firm up details and remove the unknowns, the less stressed she'll be and the more able to cope. If she knows exactly what she needs to do before you visit, the easier it will be for her and you - and you'll gradually find your balance with her.
The more simplicity, predicability and calm that you can bring to the situation, the more able she'll be to cope - it sounds dull, but if you can give her the ability to completely predict the whole visit with nothing surprising her, the easier it will be for you all.
I would like to know how people answer this question