Relationship

I will try and be a bit more helpful today although I'm still struggling with this myself. 

My partner thinks I'm really selfish because I have to have my own time and space and I avoid socialising.

With interests, I'm trying to find some common ones and do those more often.  Bowling perhaps is both "doing something" and "having a beer"? 

Is there a particular cafe or bar you like that is more acceptable?

I'm with you on cuddles , and what is it with the number of cuddles and texts !?! that too !! but I accept "lying in spoons" instead. Or being cuddled from the back instead of face to face.   other alternatives: I found he likes little notes or love hearts hidden in his stuff or a bit of shoulder massage.

I will never sit and watch TV unless he chooses a specific programme that I like (there aren't many). I'm not going to vegetate in front of the telly. sometimes we listen to a radio programme while we are both in the room doing separate things.  There are some great podcasts on the radio, some are comedy, interviews etc. 

but all the same i'm failing 9 times out of 10 to implement my own advice as I get stuck in my work and don't come home until late. 

^^^ Absolutely to all of this.

What you are experiencing would be completely exhausting for any of us auties as having to pretend constantly, especially in your own home, is not sustainable. I guarantee (from personal experience) that continuing as you are will make you ill.

If you have kids together, then it is definitely worth exploring relationship counselling to see if you can find a way forward. Otherwise, I would say that he sounds very unreasonable, uncompromising and somewhat immature, and it's possibly not worth continuing with the relationship.

It might be that, when you first got together, you were a good fit, but life throws up new challenges all the time and if you can't find ways to address those together as a team, then you need to move on separately with your lives.

Oh that can't be nice for you at all. Wonder what he'd say if you asked him why he wants you to go with him if he doesn't sit with you? It's hard to do at a distance & I shouldn't judge but he seems to be treating you badly & there may be things wrong with the relationship that aren't to do with ASD but simply wrong?

We with ASD tend to be very trusting and try to see the best in people so you might find yourself putting up with more than is fair. I think anyone would agree that insisting you go to the pub and then ignoring you to the point where he doesn't notice you've left for an hour is plain wrong :-(

It's not the noise for me, I can cope with busy noisy places if I'm prepared it's being left alone most of the time, as soon as we've had 1 drink hes off chatting to everyone (strangers) and I'm left sitting at a table alone not knowing where he is or when he'll be back the I start getting anxious last time I got someone tell me to cheer up which just sent my anxiety through the roof that I left and went home it took him over an hour to realise I'd gone, I can go out to pubs with anyone else because apart from 5 mins at the bar or toilet they sit with me most of the time and I do actually enjoy it 

One thing I've found that helps enormously with going to pubs / out for a meal is my Flare Audio Isolate earplugs. Best £25 I ever spent. Most of the time, if it's a loud environment, people I'm with are raising their voices enough for me to hear them with the plugs in,and its *so* much more bearable and almost pleasant for me. I just have to remind myself to shout back :-). 

But honestly telling someone with ASD they should be more social is a bit unfair, so I feel your pain. It's only now that my kids have grown up, I have my diagnosis, and my wife and I understand each other, that I'm able to relax and be me.

Ok - We tend to be crap at social stuff.   NTs are good at it.   It's one of the main issues.     You will always find it exhausting to play their game - so many rules and hidden meanings.   

You sound like you're running around pleasing everyone but yourself - another classic autie behaviour.

Does your OH understand the pressure he's putting on you to perform?    Are you masking so well that he doesn't see the strain?   It's called JAM - Just About Managing.

I'd tell him about the stress you're under - and that you have so much going on in your brain that the little stuff gets missed while you deal with the big stuff.    But - you would love to get flirty e-mails from him - make him do all the work - and it would remind you to reply!  

We tend to be quite satisfied by socialising in silence - like if he's doing a hobby, you would probably be totally happy being in the same room reading a book - participation is not required.

Why not arrange nights out for him with his mates - and you can have a quiet night in front of the telly - less stress for him - zero stress for you..

What sort of contact do you prefer?   Do you get overloaded by touch?  

Do you have any friends?     I'm an aspie bloke - all of my friends are probably undiagnosed aspies too - nerdy boffins that do interesting things.     Most of our communication is based around something like a broken car or solving a problem - we don't do small-talk.

It might be worth joining a female autism group where you can talk to others in the same boat - and pick their brains on how to deal with relationships.

This is what I'm struggling with, he likes to go out socially like pubs/meals out/cinema that he wants me to do with him even tho I struggle and dont always enjoy it especially if hes drinking as he goes off chatting to anyone and leaves me sitting alone, he says I should be more social but I just cant do it I've suggested loads of things I'd like to do as if I'm going out I like to do something to help distract from the social side things like escape room, a zombie run or mini golf but he just wants to go somewhere he can sit and drink, I've learnt to give a kiss and cuddle before he leaves/when he comes home from work, I try to remind myself to give more affection but it really doesn't come naturally he says I should message him through the day to let him know I'm thinking of him but 1 I'm not I'm busy dealing with school, nursery, children, shopping, Bill's walking the dog cleaning the house all the normal day to day things so I'm not thinking of him and 2 if I did need to tell him something I'd would text it's a maximum of 8 hours hes away surely it's not needed to be messaging all day when you both should be doing other things? I'm just so exhausted with all the rules of how many cuddles is enough, have I done enough with him today, it's like a game I'm being forced to play but the rules keep changing everytime I get used to one another one is added if his ex was so perfect why isn't he still with her I hate how he always compares me to 'normal' people x

You seem clear on the things you don't like - it's like you have to have permission to be you - what do you actually like?    What would be your ideal evening or physical contact - think it through - how nice things could possibly be - and then talk to your partner about it and come to a middle ground where you both get what you want / need.

You have the right to be happy and not a dancing puppet. 

Yep, I get all of that. 

NAS64404 said:

id end up feeling guilty for lying to him tho and I'd still be acting to the social norms all the time

Yep. I get such a strong urge to "tell". For e.g. if I got someone an amazing present but cheap, I'd want to tell them I got a bargain. I got my wife a lovely vase once and scratched it when wrapping it and had to point out the scratch (she said she wished that I hadn't because she wouldn't have noticed!).

I also never ask anyone to do stuff that I know they wouldn't like - I simply couldn't enjoy it knowing they weren't. Yet it seems to be OK for me to be dragged along and then told off for looking miserable!

Hope things work out - it's not easy.

Yeah maybe I should just not tell him I'm doing stuff for him and let him believe I'm doing it naturally, id end up feeling guilty for lying to him tho and I'd still be acting to the social norms all the time, I never ask him to do stuff with me I know he doesnt like, i watch alot of dramas etc but I'm happy to watch them alone yet he wants me to be interested in the films he wants to watch then gets annoyed at me saying i have no interests yet i do have plenty but as they're not interesting to him that makes them boring so dont count as interests I feel hes not willing to compromise and just wants to change me to suit his idea of what a girlfriend should be maybe were just not suited x

Yup :-). It's not easy, I've had many discussions with my wife about "I want you to be affectionate naturally" (me saying that to her) and then I realise that I'm asking her to do what I tell her I can't, i.e. change something that is pretty fundamental like height or memory. Also many, many times she has said "I want us to share things / do things together" which we *both* eventually realised means she wants me to watch, with her, and comment on, the programmes that *she* enjoys on TV. Thankfully, we do find some dramas that we both enjoy and we both enjoy going out for coffee.

Maybe you're like me in that you feel that you need to share every inner thought with your partner ("I'm doing / going to do this nice thing because I said I'd try to be more affectionate"). You can just keep quiet and do the nice thing - and he will likely believe that it's natural and be grateful. But I know that if it's me doing it, I feel a strong need to say at some point "There, does that make you feel loved? I thought if I did X/Y/Z you would be pleased." - which kinda kills the mood (I'm not just talking about sexy time buy any kind of "niceness".) :-)

I feel I might have to do the same as I'm at a loss as to how he can claim to love me but want to change everything that makes me me 

Thank you that's is helpful, although when I say I'll try to give more affection he gets angry saying i shouldn't have to try it should come naturally or if I do plan something for us to do that I'll enjoy he doesnt so he basically wants me to do all the social things like pub/club/cinema etc which I find exhausting but as soon as I say let's do a escape room he doesnt want to as he doesnt like that kind of thing so it feels like all the compromise has to come from me, I also think being told I'm not a normal girlfriend or none of his ex's had a problem providing affection really doesnt help as it gets my back up and I just say if I'm not good enough for you then leave, even tho I love him deeply I feel I'm ruining his life as that's how he makes me feel like hes putting up with me and the least I can do is show my gratitude 

Reading this is just like looking at myself in the mirror . I am going to get relationship therapy with an autism psychologist because I am completely stuck with these problems.  Maybe I will get some tips I can pass on. 

Hi NAS64404, I can relate to what you're saying in several perhaps contradictory ways :-). I'm an ASD adult and married to someone who is on the pathway to diagnosis. I share your experience of answering questions factually, and I have little interest in small talk or volunteering extra information. However, in our relationship, it's me who has craved emotional and physical attention. However, I often (so I'm told) don't behave in ways that make it forthcoming. But we are also on a journey whereby we are learning that my wife might also be ASD.

My wife used to complain about how my incredibly patchy memory failed to help her feel loved, and I also as a result got very frustrated with myself. But what I used to say to her was "Asking me to remember stuff, and spontaneously ask about your life, is like me asking you to be taller." I now literally use my reminder app on my phone to say things like "Prepare for her birthday - cake, banners, presents" etc.

We have been for lots of couples therapy, and have become pretty expert at spotting when one of us steps out of Adult into Child or Parent, and taking responsibility for our feelings & saying things like "When you do X, I tend to feel Y" rather than "You make me so ***  angry!". It has really helped us, and we even laugh sometimes when we see through each-other's intentions and say "I wish you didn't understand that so well - shouldn't have taken you for so much therapy!".

We aren't free of frustrations in our relationship, but we've learned to accept them and/or work round them.

Sorry for the ramble - what I picked up on was when you said "I can't just change to suit his needs" which is what both me and my wife have said to each other at one time or another.

Hopefully there's something above which might help - I can really recommend talking in the style of "When you do X, I tend to feel Y" and also "I can't do that because of X, so how else could I help you to feel Y?"