Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm an adult with asd, I'm really struggling to explain to my partner what autism is and how I cant just change to suit his needs
His first problem is affection, I dont really like it, I dont give affection alot unless he comes to me it's not just with him it's with everyone I've learnt when a cuddle is expected so will give one then but I dont like it I do it because it's a seen as normal but he sees that as me not loving him
Next is I'm quite literal if I'm asked where I've been today I'll answer I've been in town, instead of me and partner went into town and we done xyz, to me ive answered the question they asked they didnt ask who I was with or what we done they asked where I was but he says that just shows I'm ashamed to be with him which I'm not if they then went on to say who where you with I'd say I was with him
He also complains we dont spend enough time together but we are together all the time, does it really matter if we sit together watching soaps or a film? We're still sitting together looking at the tv does it really matter what's on it? he says watching soaps is different to choosing a film and watching it together but mostly it's a film he wants to watch that I'm not enjoying anyway or he wants to play computer games that I cant play as I dont have the coordination and just get frustrated and angry so it's either I sit and watch him play which I find boring anyway or I try and end up getting worked up and we'll end up fighting dur to frustration
I spend all day following the social norms that are expected when I'm home I just want to be me but now I feel like I have to continue the act and its exhausting, when do i get to be me? I feel like I'm constantly acting constantly thinking what's the norm here? I'm just exhausted all the time
You seem clear on the things you don't like - it's like you have to have permission to be you - what do you actually like? What would be your ideal evening or physical contact - think it through - how nice things could possibly be - and then talk to your partner about it and come to a middle ground where you both get what you want / need.
You have the right to be happy and not a dancing puppet.
This is what I'm struggling with, he likes to go out socially like pubs/meals out/cinema that he wants me to do with him even tho I struggle and dont always enjoy it especially if hes drinking as he goes off chatting to anyone and leaves me sitting alone, he says I should be more social but I just cant do it I've suggested loads of things I'd like to do as if I'm going out I like to do something to help distract from the social side things like escape room, a zombie run or mini golf but he just wants to go somewhere he can sit and drink, I've learnt to give a kiss and cuddle before he leaves/when he comes home from work, I try to remind myself to give more affection but it really doesn't come naturally he says I should message him through the day to let him know I'm thinking of him but 1 I'm not I'm busy dealing with school, nursery, children, shopping, Bill's walking the dog cleaning the house all the normal day to day things so I'm not thinking of him and 2 if I did need to tell him something I'd would text it's a maximum of 8 hours hes away surely it's not needed to be messaging all day when you both should be doing other things? I'm just so exhausted with all the rules of how many cuddles is enough, have I done enough with him today, it's like a game I'm being forced to play but the rules keep changing everytime I get used to one another one is added if his ex was so perfect why isn't he still with her I hate how he always compares me to 'normal' people x
^^^ Absolutely to all of this.
What you are experiencing would be completely exhausting for any of us auties as having to pretend constantly, especially in your own home, is not sustainable. I guarantee (from personal experience) that continuing as you are will make you ill.
If you have kids together, then it is definitely worth exploring relationship counselling to see if you can find a way forward. Otherwise, I would say that he sounds very unreasonable, uncompromising and somewhat immature, and it's possibly not worth continuing with the relationship.
It might be that, when you first got together, you were a good fit, but life throws up new challenges all the time and if you can't find ways to address those together as a team, then you need to move on separately with your lives.
Oh that can't be nice for you at all. Wonder what he'd say if you asked him why he wants you to go with him if he doesn't sit with you? It's hard to do at a distance & I shouldn't judge but he seems to be treating you badly & there may be things wrong with the relationship that aren't to do with ASD but simply wrong?
We with ASD tend to be very trusting and try to see the best in people so you might find yourself putting up with more than is fair. I think anyone would agree that insisting you go to the pub and then ignoring you to the point where he doesn't notice you've left for an hour is plain wrong :-(
It's not the noise for me, I can cope with busy noisy places if I'm prepared it's being left alone most of the time, as soon as we've had 1 drink hes off chatting to everyone (strangers) and I'm left sitting at a table alone not knowing where he is or when he'll be back the I start getting anxious last time I got someone tell me to cheer up which just sent my anxiety through the roof that I left and went home it took him over an hour to realise I'd gone, I can go out to pubs with anyone else because apart from 5 mins at the bar or toilet they sit with me most of the time and I do actually enjoy it
One thing I've found that helps enormously with going to pubs / out for a meal is my Flare Audio Isolate earplugs. Best £25 I ever spent. Most of the time, if it's a loud environment, people I'm with are raising their voices enough for me to hear them with the plugs in,and its *so* much more bearable and almost pleasant for me. I just have to remind myself to shout back :-).
But honestly telling someone with ASD they should be more social is a bit unfair, so I feel your pain. It's only now that my kids have grown up, I have my diagnosis, and my wife and I understand each other, that I'm able to relax and be me.
Ok - We tend to be crap at social stuff. NTs are good at it. It's one of the main issues. You will always find it exhausting to play their game - so many rules and hidden meanings.
You sound like you're running around pleasing everyone but yourself - another classic autie behaviour.
Does your OH understand the pressure he's putting on you to perform? Are you masking so well that he doesn't see the strain? It's called JAM - Just About Managing.
I'd tell him about the stress you're under - and that you have so much going on in your brain that the little stuff gets missed while you deal with the big stuff. But - you would love to get flirty e-mails from him - make him do all the work - and it would remind you to reply!
We tend to be quite satisfied by socialising in silence - like if he's doing a hobby, you would probably be totally happy being in the same room reading a book - participation is not required.
Why not arrange nights out for him with his mates - and you can have a quiet night in front of the telly - less stress for him - zero stress for you..
What sort of contact do you prefer? Do you get overloaded by touch?
Do you have any friends? I'm an aspie bloke - all of my friends are probably undiagnosed aspies too - nerdy boffins that do interesting things. Most of our communication is based around something like a broken car or solving a problem - we don't do small-talk.
It might be worth joining a female autism group where you can talk to others in the same boat - and pick their brains on how to deal with relationships.