Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm an adult with asd, I'm really struggling to explain to my partner what autism is and how I cant just change to suit his needs
His first problem is affection, I dont really like it, I dont give affection alot unless he comes to me it's not just with him it's with everyone I've learnt when a cuddle is expected so will give one then but I dont like it I do it because it's a seen as normal but he sees that as me not loving him
Next is I'm quite literal if I'm asked where I've been today I'll answer I've been in town, instead of me and partner went into town and we done xyz, to me ive answered the question they asked they didnt ask who I was with or what we done they asked where I was but he says that just shows I'm ashamed to be with him which I'm not if they then went on to say who where you with I'd say I was with him
He also complains we dont spend enough time together but we are together all the time, does it really matter if we sit together watching soaps or a film? We're still sitting together looking at the tv does it really matter what's on it? he says watching soaps is different to choosing a film and watching it together but mostly it's a film he wants to watch that I'm not enjoying anyway or he wants to play computer games that I cant play as I dont have the coordination and just get frustrated and angry so it's either I sit and watch him play which I find boring anyway or I try and end up getting worked up and we'll end up fighting dur to frustration
I spend all day following the social norms that are expected when I'm home I just want to be me but now I feel like I have to continue the act and its exhausting, when do i get to be me? I feel like I'm constantly acting constantly thinking what's the norm here? I'm just exhausted all the time
You seem clear on the things you don't like - it's like you have to have permission to be you - what do you actually like? What would be your ideal evening or physical contact - think it through - how nice things could possibly be - and then talk to your partner about it and come to a middle ground where you both get what you want / need.
You have the right to be happy and not a dancing puppet.
This is what I'm struggling with, he likes to go out socially like pubs/meals out/cinema that he wants me to do with him even tho I struggle and dont always enjoy it especially if hes drinking as he goes off chatting to anyone and leaves me sitting alone, he says I should be more social but I just cant do it I've suggested loads of things I'd like to do as if I'm going out I like to do something to help distract from the social side things like escape room, a zombie run or mini golf but he just wants to go somewhere he can sit and drink, I've learnt to give a kiss and cuddle before he leaves/when he comes home from work, I try to remind myself to give more affection but it really doesn't come naturally he says I should message him through the day to let him know I'm thinking of him but 1 I'm not I'm busy dealing with school, nursery, children, shopping, Bill's walking the dog cleaning the house all the normal day to day things so I'm not thinking of him and 2 if I did need to tell him something I'd would text it's a maximum of 8 hours hes away surely it's not needed to be messaging all day when you both should be doing other things? I'm just so exhausted with all the rules of how many cuddles is enough, have I done enough with him today, it's like a game I'm being forced to play but the rules keep changing everytime I get used to one another one is added if his ex was so perfect why isn't he still with her I hate how he always compares me to 'normal' people x