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Married in silence

NAS64352
over 4 years ago

I have been married to my partner for 18 years and we have 3 children.  My partner has always been interested in gaming more so than me and we went on holiday and he bought a new camera and spent hours staring at it, playing with it and even took it to the dinner table with him.  He gets extremely stressed in certain situations to the point he takes it out on  me.  We only figures out he was autistic after having an autistic child.  He has got worse as our relationship has gone on...mainly though realising he is autistic.  He is kind, never goes out, always at home, but he lacks natural affection, somedays I feel very alone as he fails to talk more than 10 sentences in a day.   I wonder what it is like to be with someone that shows interest in me and chats to me.  

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  • over 4 years ago
    NAS64352 said:
    I wonder what it is like to be with someone that shows interest in me and chats to me.  

    Its fantastic.

    My marriage hasn't been perfect, my husband was raised by a step-dad who is abusive to his mum and as such occasionally spoke and behaved in a way that was unacceptable to me. I raised this and he's changed the way he behaves as he wants me to feel respected and loved. I'm autistic and there are somethings my husband needs from me that I'd rather not do, such as group socialising, but I do this occasionally to ensure his needs are met too. As far as I'm concerned relationships are about give and take.

    Being autistic does affect someones ability to engage in reciprocal conversation in the same way a NT would. It can also result in the 'meltdowns' you describe. However, not making an effort to meet you half way and being abusive to you rather than trying to find healthy coping mechanisms that work, such as exercising, isn't because he's autistic.

    Like NTs, some autistic are selfish and unpleasant. Have you raised your concerns with your husband? If so, what has he done to try and meet your needs too? If you have raised these issues and he hasn't changed, why have you not left him in pursuit of a relationship that meets your needs? 

    BTW, your husband sounds like mine's step dad. Your children are seeing his behaviour every day and are being taught this is an acceptable way for men and women to treat each other.

Reply
  • over 4 years ago
    NAS64352 said:
    I wonder what it is like to be with someone that shows interest in me and chats to me.  

    Its fantastic.

    My marriage hasn't been perfect, my husband was raised by a step-dad who is abusive to his mum and as such occasionally spoke and behaved in a way that was unacceptable to me. I raised this and he's changed the way he behaves as he wants me to feel respected and loved. I'm autistic and there are somethings my husband needs from me that I'd rather not do, such as group socialising, but I do this occasionally to ensure his needs are met too. As far as I'm concerned relationships are about give and take.

    Being autistic does affect someones ability to engage in reciprocal conversation in the same way a NT would. It can also result in the 'meltdowns' you describe. However, not making an effort to meet you half way and being abusive to you rather than trying to find healthy coping mechanisms that work, such as exercising, isn't because he's autistic.

    Like NTs, some autistic are selfish and unpleasant. Have you raised your concerns with your husband? If so, what has he done to try and meet your needs too? If you have raised these issues and he hasn't changed, why have you not left him in pursuit of a relationship that meets your needs? 

    BTW, your husband sounds like mine's step dad. Your children are seeing his behaviour every day and are being taught this is an acceptable way for men and women to treat each other.

Children