Married in silence

I pray for you. You are describing me as well and I have really let my wife down, now that we no longer have our busy jobs. Finding a mutual interest is very difficult.

I was interested in cameras and had all the developing, darkroom stuff, then went digital, but now it's all about the artistry and very high def. Just talking - about anything helps.

And working out plans with your children to achieve their potential is what could and should be your focus (in my opinion)

An easy start would be casually asking him why he chose that camera and not a different one - what does it do differently to the others - and exactly why that feature is so useful - get him to show you the differences and the pictures he's taken and why his camera is the one to have.     You'll have difficulty getting him to stop talking.     You have your first 'in' to his mind.      Ask him what sort of pictures he'd like to take - it's easy to book a photographic day somewhere - or if it's wildlife or scenery - suggest some interesting views to go to.      He might actually like to photograph you.

We are often eternal children inside - just wanting a nice, simple life filled with fun and novelty and we don't tend to change very much - it's one of our traits.     As we get older, the world gets so much more complex that we don't want to interact with it - we shut down and burn out - it all gets to be too much stress and we spend 90% of our lives stressed to breaking - there's loads of threads on here about this problem.

He's probably got to a place where he literally doesn't know what to do apart from get up, go to work, get stressed with the whole need to earn money to support his immediate responsibility (the family), go home with his brain fried and needing time to straighten out - and as he arrives home, it's just more stress.    If he's 90% stressed, it will take only the slightest thing to push him to 100% into angry/argument mode - which will make him look totally unreasonable.

He'll be feeling like he's backed into a corner with no way out and so his only escape from all this is to engage with something where he has total control - like gaming.

When we're young, we often line up our toy cars etc.    It provided order and and logic to the chaos of living - it's a sort of stimming.      Him being fascinated with a piece of tech is the same thing - it has lines and colour, the light shines off it in a pleasing way, it has working features - it's basically the best Dinky Toy ever and there's a million things to fully learn about it.   

In a way, he's crying out for interaction but is too lost to be able to figure out what he needs.   Like a child.    All he knows is that life = stress.

He'll be 100% faithful - but all he really wants is the younger you that was fun and interactive without all the hassle of growing up.      His programming is likely to be very basic - be a good father, earn money, etc.   All the flowery bits that you want will be very low down his program list so in times of stress, only the basics get delivered because it's taking all his brain power to cover that.

You can easily get him back - just by engaging with him so he starts to see you as an object of interest again - more interesting than gaming - but that's going to be really hard for you because you will be carrying all the emotional baggage of the last years - but you're the only one who can change - back to who you were.

I suspect he'd love to talk to you and the easiest way to get him to open up is to talk to him about things he's passionate about - get the dialogue going that way and then you can drift it to other subjects - think of it a bit like engaging with a child on their birthday.     Show him you're interested in his interests and you'll find you can get him to do anything you want - tell him what you need from him and how you'd like to be treated - make it that simple.

A quick caveat - you must be genuine about showing interest in his interests - don't mess him about - he will be mostly shut down and afraid of ridicule so if he senses that you're not genuine, he'll back away.    Are you able to offload the kids for a weekend?    Go somewhere interesting with him - recapture your youth - do some silly things - have a weekend like you did when you first met.

I have not thought about leaving just trying to make it better.  I have 3 children.  I dont want a broken family. I just want to know how to engage with my husband

Thank u ...its great to talk to someone who understands thank u

There's autism traits and then there's personality. Two people with autism are very different as two people are very different! Maybe he's just being a selfish bugger as well as being autistic. People have a good habit of using their differences, neurodiversity, illnesses etc  as a way to excuse themselves from being kind and thoughtful. Without accepting responsibility for their behavior. Or Perhaps he does not realise how you feel or how his behavior is not meeting your needs. Listen to your heart and soul and do what ever it is you want to do to feel happier. 

dont suffer in silence !

NAS64352 said:

I wonder what it is like to be with someone that shows interest in me and chats to me.  

If you're talking about 'small talk' you're likely to be disappointed... it's just not something aspies/auties 'do' - I've previously described it as being:

'nothing-chat'... like breathing, only noisier and less useful.

Conversations need to have a point, if they don't they are hard work because "why am I bothering?"

You may need to adjust your expectations of what 'being interested in you' looks like... I've been with my wife for 17 years, I DO things because I love her I don't SAY things e.g.

 - I always serve her meals first

 - if I think she's made  bad choice in a restaurant (something she won't like) I'll order something she will like, even if it's not my first choice, so I can offer o swap with her when she realises she made a bad choice

 - I bring her a cup of tea and bowl of cereal in bed every day

I'm not good as asking about her day and then not trying to 'fix' any issues she mentions, but I do try.

Your partner can learn what's important to you but you may need to set some 'rules' around it.

One thing we found good was taking a bath together - no distractions like tv or games or phones so you can relax and talk.

Good luck!

50% of 'normal' marriages fail - so I'd say an aspie bloke is actually the most simple thing to fix.     He was obviously attractive 18 years ago - and as he won't have changed, it's more a case of her recapturing her fun side.

Also, mathematically, the available gene-pool of available single blokes means that odds are, any guy she meets will be a total a-hole.    It's much easier to fix what she knows.

Also, I do a lot of daytime coffee mornings and I'd say the vast majority of NT women are just soooooo boring - no hobbies, no interests - materialistically driven and shallow.     Maybe she's just become 'mature', grown-up and totally uninteresting to him.

please give this a bit of time eg 3 months, to settle a bit. (i am assuming the child diagnosis is recent). i am no expert so my advice is non professional.

there are 2 pathways

if 1 works great. if 1 is not possible try 2. if neither work i dont know.

you must do 3 no matter what.

1. get your partner to go for diagnosis if u can. he needs help.  this can stabilise him, maybe open him a bit.

2. ask your partner if he thinks it ok to go to marriage counselling. they may be able to help.

3. contact and make use of a social worker to have someone watch you and your kids close up. if this is already in place try 1/2

you are in a really 'in your face' complex situation.

you have 3 kids which must take precedence.

he could get worse if he doesnt get help.

If he is hitting you must report this to your social worker or the police or a sister/brother. do not sit in silence. if it repeats (hitting) u may have to leave for ur sake and ur kids who depend on you for education, food, support etc

you have done and are still doing well so far. 

bottom line :you have 3 kids which must take precedence.

I agree she should leave as she is not happy with what she has. You only live once and life goes fast even faster if you have autism stats say it all! 

NAS64352 said:

I wonder what it is like to be with someone that shows interest in me and chats to me.  

Its fantastic.

My marriage hasn't been perfect, my husband was raised by a step-dad who is abusive to his mum and as such occasionally spoke and behaved in a way that was unacceptable to me. I raised this and he's changed the way he behaves as he wants me to feel respected and loved. I'm autistic and there are somethings my husband needs from me that I'd rather not do, such as group socialising, but I do this occasionally to ensure his needs are met too. As far as I'm concerned relationships are about give and take.

Being autistic does affect someones ability to engage in reciprocal conversation in the same way a NT would. It can also result in the 'meltdowns' you describe. However, not making an effort to meet you half way and being abusive to you rather than trying to find healthy coping mechanisms that work, such as exercising, isn't because he's autistic.

Like NTs, some autistic are selfish and unpleasant. Have you raised your concerns with your husband? If so, what has he done to try and meet your needs too? If you have raised these issues and he hasn't changed, why have you not left him in pursuit of a relationship that meets your needs? 

BTW, your husband sounds like mine's step dad. Your children are seeing his behaviour every day and are being taught this is an acceptable way for men and women to treat each other.

Sorry its not meant to be harsh, but I can't see anything that suggests she wants to be flexible, her gripe is that she has been married for 18 years to a man who can't support her emotionally knowing this she wants someone who can.

The thing is people can not be everything loyal, sweet, intelligent, funny, passionate, emotionally intelligent, tall dark and handsome, have a great income, be likable to everyone, and all the other stuff

But it's expected and to expect all this stuff from someone with autism is wrong.

Not saying that this is the case here, but he can't be void of any good quality and he's been in this relationship to for 18 year probably thinking he's doing great or at least trying to do his best and no doubt he has his own gripes wonder if he's got any support or had any advice? 

Harsh!      I work from the point of view that everything is fixable if the participants are interested in finding a solution.  

Plastic, 

You are giving good advice but giving her training manuals on how to survive the torture of being with an autistic man wich is a punishment surely, I find pointless she will never be satisfied period.

She's been married 18 years to this guy and had three children, she wants to be with someone else simple.

This is surprisingly common - and there are things you can do about it to help yourself.     Internally, he has developed a mask that allows him to fake his way through the days by appearing normal in the everyday environment.- mostly at work - where the penalty for being too weird could cost him his job.    This 'performance' is incredibly draining and stressful - as he's having to go through the whole social interaction game without knowing all the rules and having to work out what people really mean.

As a defence against being 'outed', we learn to hide our true interests as we've probably been bullied in the past - enigmatic silence is easier to pass off.

He'll be coming home stressed and his brain will likely be in turmoil most days and he'll need time to process it all before he'll be interactive.

You can short-circuit most of his stress by engaging him in something he's passionate about - like his camera.    I'd guess that if you learned exactly what he finds so fascinating about it, you'd never get him to shut up!       Again, taking him to a camera museum would really de-stress him and let him open up to you.    Make life fun again.

Do you know what he likes to photograph?    You could arrange something for him - it would demonstrate that you actually want to engage with him with something he finds interesting rather than discussing getting a loaf of bread and having to pay the gas bill - which is too mundane to want to engage with.

It might sound odd, but he has probably stayed constant his whole life - from his point of view, everyone around him is constantly changing which is pulling the rug from under his stability and confidence - he might not know how to interact with you any more - he'll be craving the simplicity of when you first got together all those years ago.

What do you both like to do together?    What did you do years ago?    What does 'fun' mean to you?    He's probably still in there, just getting lost in a complex world.   You might need to chat to him and explain in simple terms what you would like - the occasional bunch of flowers etc.   Give him some clues.     Sort-of re-stating the rules of engagement so he can work with it.

Your not happy, leave him it will never get better with him and he will no doubt be totally unaware of how you feel and even if he does he will not know how to remedy the issues because there's probably tons, don't feel guilty because you have needs and your not his mother to take care of him.

It's not working and you're already thinking of being with someone else and if someone did come along then no doubt with that attention you would leave your relationship anyway.

But I would say this when you choose to spend your life with a person knowing who they are first before making a commitment to them would be a good idea.