Confused about the nature and experience of love.

My humour sometimes is a bit off. But I get so bogged down & complicate things with over thinking that I sometimes come out with stuff like penguins. 

 Love seahorses.

:-)

Seahorses too if I remember correctly. Bet they don't ask each other if they like krill / plankton or whatever they eat!

I was thinking penguins mate for life....I bet they don’t worry about the love thing or ask their mate ‘do you like tennis?’ 

Hi, I understand what you mean about peoples heat radiating off them from one metre away. I’m the same. I can close my eyes & feel people’s auras going in & out as they breath. Usually I have to be about 1/4 of a metre away. I can also sense if they are unwell. Unwell people have a particular smell too. 

Getting back to love....scientists have done research into smell & how one chooses partners. We are no different than animals...we smell our prospective mates to see if they are healthy. If they are, then they are suitable breeding material. Perhaps we haven’t lost our sensitive abilities from thousand of years ago? Perhaps we are like children who are not yet not effected by the chaos of life etc & still remain as sensitive innocent souls? 

i say innocent, as with Aspergers we are in general truthful & straight forward without the ability to play mind games? 

I could not flirt at all as a teenager. I didn’t actually understand what it was about. I didn’t get the clothes stuff either...dress to impress, the sexy come & get me look.

My boy friends choose me & I just went along with it all & I felt completely indifferent to them. I suppose I was just surprised they ask me for a date. 

I was 35yrs when I first experienced love. That occurred because it was as if all the planets were in alinement. My partner & myself both mirrored ourselves in one another. (I hope those are the right words). It just happened...

Perhaps one part of love is surrendering ones ego, to let go of any conception of what one expects love to be. We all have an idea what love might be from romantic films to novels. We can conceptualise the word love until the cows come home. But love has many shapes & forms. I was once told by a therapist ‘love has to be taught’. But then after reading all your experiences about love I question her statement & myself.

But is this true if one can’t love ones self then one can’t love another. Umm..Though if one is happy, content & at peace with ones self is this not enough? 

I didn't experience romantic love until my late 20's and even then it had taken a lot of years with my partner to feel safe and calm enough to feel this. My partner is very different from me he is NT and sociable, but he is very calm and consistent and we both enjoy being outside which is what brought us together and our differences compliment each other. I guess it is just whatever works. :) 

Crow said:

However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic

My sensory profile is all over the place... And I agree that some sensory perception seems super enhanced. My sense of touch is really sensitive to the point that I feel people's heat radiating off them from about 1m away (generally as close as I get to others). I struggle with cognitive empathy. If someone told me a story without making it explicit how the person felt I would have no idea, but if you put me in a room with another person without looking or speaking to them I would pick up a sense of how they are. I have noticed this extreme empathy a lot with people that are autistic and especially people that do not have verbal language. I have found that I have to be careful of this and need to take care of my body so that the sensations of others don't build up inside me. Lots of stretching is helpful for me. 

Hello,

I have had plenty of experience of family love. However, I have not yet had experience of romantic love, despite being on the planet for nearly a quarter of a century!.

My Mum has often said that the best type of girl for me is someone who is like me (Understands, respects and appreciates why I am the way I am).

Aw thank you...

Though I wish one of you were here to help me navigate this web sight. 

Crow said:

I often feel so over whelmed with life that I forget I live with a beautiful man who loves me. I spend to much time in my head. I think too much. When will I wake up to Life. 

I know exactly what you mean; I'm prone to doing this too, and far too frequently.

Crow said:

Oh how I wish I had been as a child. I’ve had to rethink my entire life.

* Hugs * We've all been there. I can honestly say as I continue to go through life, the greater insights and self-awareness I develop into my autism and the human condition of which I'm not a part, I find myself rethinking my life all over.

You'll always be among like-minds here so feel free to dive in, rant, chat, ask questions, and just be your truly amazing self. Xx

It’s so reassuring to have feed back, you are very kind & understanding. it’s like a hug.

I too become introverted when life gets tricky. Though I am basically a loner who happens to like socialising sometimes.

However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic. I’m one of those. If one doesn’t understand as a child one uses other senses. I never questioned myself as a child. But as an adult I did...but the stronger I grow the more I’m able to be my child like self once more. 

However saying this I have lost myself over these past years...we’ll my confidence. I have M.E. & this year i have been 98% of the time house bound. I try to be positive & always practice every morning seeking a beautiful thought or image wether it be a painting or looking through the windows of my home at the landscape beyond. 

But after being diagnosed with Aspergers my life has changed. I ask more questions of myself...but can’t find the answers within. But sharing with you all has bought me peace of mind & my questions I ask myself with no reply, now have a reply with thanks to you all. 

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience... I am still relatively new too but have found the forum to be an amazing place to communicate with others who really understand, (or when they don't understand will not pretend that they do).

You are so right with your closing statement that when life does become complicated we should listen to our hearts.... but know this is super tricky as we spend so much time in our heads trying to work out this crazy and unpredictable world.

I have found that consciously becoming aware of the sensations that I feel and sense has helped me loads. When I am with my partner I continously make an effort to notice how it feels when we hug, when we sit together how it feels to be close to him, how he smells etc. (although he doesn't like it when he is conscious that I am smelling him, I have to be subtle about this although I have explained why and he does understand).

I do have a degree of tactile defensiveness and for probably the first eight years of our relationship I could not initiate touch at all. I am better now and I enjoy hugging him and will regularly initiate this. His gentleness and patience has helped tremendously with getting to this point.

Crow said:

have to remember he loves me. I find it difficult that anyone would love me. I do feel alone inside, afraid of something. It may be loss

I struggle with this to some degree too. I have to remind myself of the qualities that I do bring to a relationship. I am honest, loyal, deeply caring, I don't want for material things, I value kindness and compassion and the simple things in life. I don't gossip about people or intentionally create bad feelings between people. I think these are important attributes in a relationship. 

When life is tricky I can become very introverted and this can be tricky for both me and my partner but ultimately over the years this has strengthened our relationship and through the tricky times we both have developed a deeper appreciation of each other. Helped by my partner doing the online NAS training for women and girls so that he understood I really was doing my best. 

I think it is important to focus on the qualities we bring to a relationship they are there... and sometimes it comes from our unique personalities and sometimes from being autistic. I find it so much easier to be critical of myself as this is what life has taught me up until this point, but through acceptance and true understanding I know that I am not deficient I just have a different way of perceiving and interacting with the world around me and for those that can see my true self I do have things to offer a relationship. 

I’m new to this community. It’s my first. I can associate with all of you. I had a challenging childhood. Both of my parents suffered difficult childhoods. Hence their parenting was to be desired. 

As an adult I got confused between sex & love. My ex husband was not helpful & called me mad, at this time I was not diagnosed with Aspergers. I married him to escape from home...he was kind to me. But later he became obsessive & controlling. I was not sexually attracted to him. I thought of him as a brother. 

i didn’t know what love was as my parents didn’t nurture me or understand me. My father was Mr Jackal or Mr Hyde & my mother was on another planet. 

I did fall in love with a man that I ignored for a year. I dreamt of him...then I realised I liked him. As time went on we shared so much...it was like a mind meld. He was attractive...then one day as I stood at a bus stop i fell in love with him. He became beautiful. We married. 

I have to remember he loves me. I find it difficult that anyone would love me. I do feel alone inside, afraid of something. It may be loss. I do tell myself to hug him & to be affectionate. I often feel so over whelmed with life that I forget I live with a beautiful man who loves me. I spend to much time in my head. I think too much. When will I wake up to Life. 

I was diagnosed last year. Oh how I wish I had been as a child. I’ve had to rethink my entire life.

My love for my husband grows deeper with time. I’m very blessed.

When life becomes complicated listen to your heart. 

Thank you.... 

I find this forum a really helpful and positive place to share experiences and receive support from those who understand. This link is to a post by I'm done with Christmas Cards

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/16793/understanding-yourself-how-autism-affects-you-my-autistic-charter

I found this super helpful. 

I would love to read more about love.  I was diagnosed formally this morning.  My sense of who i am is rather shaken.  I’m a wife and a mum (of 1). While the diagnosis makes a lot of sense to me, everything is now rather wobbled. 

Your comments are like a soothing balm.  Thanks xx

I'm pleased I did too... It always feels a bit of risk being so open about such tricky subjects, and it is only because of the kindness and genoristy with which my posts are received and reciprocated in this community of awesome people that I felt able to be so open about my own experience.

Thank you so much for your openness and all your responses it has offered both a sense of reassurance that I am not alone and encouragement which means a lot to me.

I will contact NAS and see what can be done to get more public awareness about the importance of really understanding the impact and implications of the way many of us experience and communicate emotions especially love. 

Beefree said:

From all the replies... It does seem that this is pretty common and yet there really isn't that much written on the subject (not that I have found yet).

I think you're right, and I'm so very pleased and relieved that you've highlighted it here.

I wonder if it's worth contacting the NAS or some autistic bloggers to see if they would be interested in doing a piece on this? Love is such a fundamental part of the human experience, it doesn't seem right that there isn't more written about it from the autie's perspective over and above the usual garbage about "You can meet prospective love-matches online if you find socialising awkward," and "You may struggle with eye contact so avoid romantic meals and do something active instead."

That type of advice seems to completely miss the complexity of the emotions and the many different manifestations of it (parent-child, child-parent, friend, as well as the reality of learning to connect with ourselves when in a romantic relationship).

i hope u own a wee doggie - if not get a shitz tsu they love attention 

Yeap animals have the same effect on me too especially dogs. I have only ever told one person I love them but I will literally tell any dog that shows me the slightest affection that I love them, I feel this is a very genuine expression of exactly the feeling you mention above, which I get too. 

From all the replies... It does seem that this is pretty common and yet there really isn't that much written on the subject (not that I have found yet).

Eye contact is a difficult one for me too I find it very very intense. If someone gives me eye contact for more than 0.5 seconds they might as well just come and give me a great big kiss on my face (being tactile defensive this would not be a good thing). 

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

Hugging the dog is like taking some kind of relaxing drug, it's that powerful.

That's exactly how I felt about my cats; they were the only comfort and release I had growing up. They've been gone a long time now and I'd really love to have another one (or two), but my current living situation wouldn't be fair to them.

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

I was incredibly surprised to learn a few months ago that typical people get a rush of oxytocin from eye contact, generating a bonding, fuzzy, connected feeling; the total opposite to the feelings that I get which are fatigue, obligation and anxiety. So, things that trouble me, actually *reward* typical people. That's a b*gger.

I had no idea that NTs were so weird! I'm definitely with you on that one. 

OMG, me too, me too! So glad it's not just me. (Literally jumping up and down here from relief!)

Beefree said:

For most of my life the only emotion I can remember feeling was frustration (mostly from not understanding or being understood).

That was me too, although as a child I didn't have the emotional vocabulary for 'frustration' so just thought I was angry. It was only after I had my diagnosis and started looking back that I recognised it was all entirely frustration.

Beefree said:

when my parents were cross with me then my perception was that they didn't love me anymore.

Yes to that, too. It was really upsetting.

Beefree said:

Whilst cognitively I understand that NTs don't experience emotion this way I still interpret their feelings towards me in this black and white way. This makes friendships really tricky and when I have a disagreement with anyone that is normally the end of the friendship.

Same! I think it's why I've chosen the partner I have as we very, very rarely disagree on things, but I've gradually learnt it's okay when we do. I've probably only had 3 proper friends over my entire life, and I've lost all of them to single-issue disagreements.

Beefree said:

I can also only think or feel but not both at the same time and like you will only feel love if my mind is focused on feeling not thinking

I know, right? I think this is the thing that NTs really struggle to grasp about us.

Beefree said:

I spend a lot of time on my own and when I am alone it is as if no one else exists because I can't see them or in the case of my partner feel them. I would have absolutely no idea what another person might be feeling if I am not with them in person.

I can honestly say in the five years I've known him, i've only spontaneously thought about my partner twice when we weren't together, and then only for a few seconds, so you can imagine how little I think about people with whom I'm not planning to spend the rest of my life. Literally, out of sight, out of mind. Makes me sound like a complete cow, I know; funny thing is, I'm actually a really thoughtful, kind and generous person (in person), but I have a schedule and set reminders to keep in touch with people else I just don't notice that I haven't contacted them.

I also have no idea what the other person might be feeling if I'm not with them in person; it doesn't even occur to me that they might be thinking about me or feeling anything at all.