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Confused about the nature and experience of love.

Beefree

Hi... I have been reflecting a lot just recently on life. At the moment I am struggling with how I experience /lack the experience of being loved and loving others.

I am aware that I process emotions differently to NTs. I find it hard to identify and then generalise an emotion into one specific state. I don't really get the signals from my body that would alert me to an emotion until the emotion is really strong and at times overwhelming (although this is developing at the moment). This includes love...

I have a partner who I do love, he makes me feel calm and safe which in a crazy and unpredictable world is really awesome and when I am calm I am able to sense that my heart does feel open... And this I interpret as love.

The relationship with my parents was somewhat more difficult. They had/have no idea that I am autistic and my mum found it difficult to understand some of my presentations.... interpreting them to mean that I am selfish, have no empathy and am distant. A lot of things that my mum really wanted to do in order to 'bond' with me sent me into hyper alert.. Shopping.. Going out for meals.. Hugging all terrified me. This along with the difficulties with school and friendships meant that most of my childhood was consequently spent in sympathetic nervous system mode and in this mode I could not feel love of any kind. It was like my whole system for loving and feeling loved was shut off.

As I am older and able to manage my exposure to things that activate my sympathetic nervous system and spend more time in a calmer state I have begun to notice that I am feeling more sensations from my body which I think are linked to some emotions.

Just recently I have been more open with people about my perception of the world and being autistic. This has enabled other people to open up to me too (many of whom are slef diagnosed autistic). There are a few people who really seem to understand and connect with me and vice versa. When I am talking with them or I am just with them I have started to sense this feeling in my body which I can only describe as a deep resonance, like a vibration. I don't know what this is but wonder if it might be a different form of love or if it is just a deeper sense of connection.. It isn't like the romantic love that I experience with my partner. 

Does this make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else experienced these things? 

Parents

  • Hi Beefree, yes I relate to an awful lot of what you wrote there. I identify strongly with alexithymia and this is one of the central topics in this I think. Like you said, I experience love as making me feel calm and safe, with the physical sensations being a flowing away of stress and relaxing muscles. I get this from my wife, but also - and it surprised me - from my big fat Labrador dog. Hugging the dog is like taking some kind of relaxing drug, it's that powerful.

    I also struggle with my parents. When I was a young boy, I felt looked after by my mother and this sparked off the same feelings as above. But as I grew and saw her practical help as interference in my life and then neediness, all of those feelings fell away. My dad is just my dad - 99% he's undiagnosed autistic - and I sometimes get a bit of a loving feeling but not much or often.

    My children - well, one has disowned me and the other is quite distant in many ways. My stepchildren demonstrate a level of care  and understanding that I value, but none of them is one of those wonderful daughters who does "nice" things that some parents seem to experience (even so trivial as making a coffee or tidying something without being asked).

    The overriding emotion I get when I think of my parents and daughters is anxiety - what might they want from me next?

    Like you, if I think back to my early life, the things that my mother did mostly caused feelings of anxiety rather than love; dragging me round her extended family doing "visits", almost forcing me to hug & kiss my gran & aunts and uncles, even coming to parents evenings or visit me at uni made me feel displaced, anxious and embarrassed.

    I wouldn't be surprised if these aren't common themes amongst people with ASD, and contribute to increased suicide rates and dissatisfaction with life. Slightly related, I was incredibly surprised to learn a few months ago that typical people get a rush of oxytocin from eye contact, generating a bonding, fuzzy, connected feeling; the total opposite to the feelings that I get which are fatigue, obligation and anxiety. So, things that trouble me, actually *reward* typical people. That's a b*gger.

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Yeap animals have the same effect on me too especially dogs. I have only ever told one person I love them but I will literally tell any dog that shows me the slightest affection that I love them, I feel this is a very genuine expression of exactly the feeling you mention above, which I get too. 

    From all the replies... It does seem that this is pretty common and yet there really isn't that much written on the subject (not that I have found yet).

    Eye contact is a difficult one for me too I find it very very intense. If someone gives me eye contact for more than 0.5 seconds they might as well just come and give me a great big kiss on my face (being tactile defensive this would not be a good thing). 

  • in reply to Beefree
    Beefree said:
    From all the replies... It does seem that this is pretty common and yet there really isn't that much written on the subject (not that I have found yet).

    I think you're right, and I'm so very pleased and relieved that you've highlighted it here.

    I wonder if it's worth contacting the NAS or some autistic bloggers to see if they would be interested in doing a piece on this? Love is such a fundamental part of the human experience, it doesn't seem right that there isn't more written about it from the autie's perspective over and above the usual garbage about "You can meet prospective love-matches online if you find socialising awkward," and "You may struggle with eye contact so avoid romantic meals and do something active instead."

    That type of advice seems to completely miss the complexity of the emotions and the many different manifestations of it (parent-child, child-parent, friend, as well as the reality of learning to connect with ourselves when in a romantic relationship).

  • in reply to Crow
    Crow said:
    However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic

    My sensory profile is all over the place... And I agree that some sensory perception seems super enhanced. My sense of touch is really sensitive to the point that I feel people's heat radiating off them from about 1m away (generally as close as I get to others). I struggle with cognitive empathy. If someone told me a story without making it explicit how the person felt I would have no idea, but if you put me in a room with another person without looking or speaking to them I would pick up a sense of how they are. I have noticed this extreme empathy a lot with people that are autistic and especially people that do not have verbal language. I have found that I have to be careful of this and need to take care of my body so that the sensations of others don't build up inside me. Lots of stretching is helpful for me. 

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  • in reply to Crow
    Crow said:
    However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic

    My sensory profile is all over the place... And I agree that some sensory perception seems super enhanced. My sense of touch is really sensitive to the point that I feel people's heat radiating off them from about 1m away (generally as close as I get to others). I struggle with cognitive empathy. If someone told me a story without making it explicit how the person felt I would have no idea, but if you put me in a room with another person without looking or speaking to them I would pick up a sense of how they are. I have noticed this extreme empathy a lot with people that are autistic and especially people that do not have verbal language. I have found that I have to be careful of this and need to take care of my body so that the sensations of others don't build up inside me. Lots of stretching is helpful for me. 

Children
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