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Confused about the nature and experience of love.

Beefree

Hi... I have been reflecting a lot just recently on life. At the moment I am struggling with how I experience /lack the experience of being loved and loving others.

I am aware that I process emotions differently to NTs. I find it hard to identify and then generalise an emotion into one specific state. I don't really get the signals from my body that would alert me to an emotion until the emotion is really strong and at times overwhelming (although this is developing at the moment). This includes love...

I have a partner who I do love, he makes me feel calm and safe which in a crazy and unpredictable world is really awesome and when I am calm I am able to sense that my heart does feel open... And this I interpret as love.

The relationship with my parents was somewhat more difficult. They had/have no idea that I am autistic and my mum found it difficult to understand some of my presentations.... interpreting them to mean that I am selfish, have no empathy and am distant. A lot of things that my mum really wanted to do in order to 'bond' with me sent me into hyper alert.. Shopping.. Going out for meals.. Hugging all terrified me. This along with the difficulties with school and friendships meant that most of my childhood was consequently spent in sympathetic nervous system mode and in this mode I could not feel love of any kind. It was like my whole system for loving and feeling loved was shut off.

As I am older and able to manage my exposure to things that activate my sympathetic nervous system and spend more time in a calmer state I have begun to notice that I am feeling more sensations from my body which I think are linked to some emotions.

Just recently I have been more open with people about my perception of the world and being autistic. This has enabled other people to open up to me too (many of whom are slef diagnosed autistic). There are a few people who really seem to understand and connect with me and vice versa. When I am talking with them or I am just with them I have started to sense this feeling in my body which I can only describe as a deep resonance, like a vibration. I don't know what this is but wonder if it might be a different form of love or if it is just a deeper sense of connection.. It isn't like the romantic love that I experience with my partner. 

Does this make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else experienced these things? 

Parents

  • Hello,

    I have had plenty of experience of family love. However, I have not yet had experience of romantic love, despite being on the planet for nearly a quarter of a century!.

    My Mum has often said that the best type of girl for me is someone who is like me (Understands, respects and appreciates why I am the way I am).

  • in reply to CaliforniaDreamer95

    I didn't experience romantic love until my late 20's and even then it had taken a lot of years with my partner to feel safe and calm enough to feel this. My partner is very different from me he is NT and sociable, but he is very calm and consistent and we both enjoy being outside which is what brought us together and our differences compliment each other. I guess it is just whatever works. :) 

  • in reply to Beefree

    Hi, I understand what you mean about peoples heat radiating off them from one metre away. I’m the same. I can close my eyes & feel people’s auras going in & out as they breath. Usually I have to be about 1/4 of a metre away. I can also sense if they are unwell. Unwell people have a particular smell too. 

    Getting back to love....scientists have done research into smell & how one chooses partners. We are no different than animals...we smell our prospective mates to see if they are healthy. If they are, then they are suitable breeding material. Perhaps we haven’t lost our sensitive abilities from thousand of years ago? Perhaps we are like children who are not yet not effected by the chaos of life etc & still remain as sensitive innocent souls? 

    i say innocent, as with Aspergers we are in general truthful & straight forward without the ability to play mind games? 

    I could not flirt at all as a teenager. I didn’t actually understand what it was about. I didn’t get the clothes stuff either...dress to impress, the sexy come & get me look.

    My boy friends choose me & I just went along with it all & I felt completely indifferent to them. I suppose I was just surprised they ask me for a date. 

    I was 35yrs when I first experienced love. That occurred because it was as if all the planets were in alinement. My partner & myself both mirrored ourselves in one another. (I hope those are the right words). It just happened...

    Perhaps one part of love is surrendering ones ego, to let go of any conception of what one expects love to be. We all have an idea what love might be from romantic films to novels. We can conceptualise the word love until the cows come home. But love has many shapes & forms. I was once told by a therapist ‘love has to be taught’. But then after reading all your experiences about love I question her statement & myself.

    But is this true if one can’t love ones self then one can’t love another. Umm..Though if one is happy, content & at peace with ones self is this not enough? 

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    My humour sometimes is a bit off. But I get so bogged down & complicate things with over thinking that I sometimes come out with stuff like penguins. 

     Love seahorses.

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