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Confused about the nature and experience of love.

Beefree

Hi... I have been reflecting a lot just recently on life. At the moment I am struggling with how I experience /lack the experience of being loved and loving others.

I am aware that I process emotions differently to NTs. I find it hard to identify and then generalise an emotion into one specific state. I don't really get the signals from my body that would alert me to an emotion until the emotion is really strong and at times overwhelming (although this is developing at the moment). This includes love...

I have a partner who I do love, he makes me feel calm and safe which in a crazy and unpredictable world is really awesome and when I am calm I am able to sense that my heart does feel open... And this I interpret as love.

The relationship with my parents was somewhat more difficult. They had/have no idea that I am autistic and my mum found it difficult to understand some of my presentations.... interpreting them to mean that I am selfish, have no empathy and am distant. A lot of things that my mum really wanted to do in order to 'bond' with me sent me into hyper alert.. Shopping.. Going out for meals.. Hugging all terrified me. This along with the difficulties with school and friendships meant that most of my childhood was consequently spent in sympathetic nervous system mode and in this mode I could not feel love of any kind. It was like my whole system for loving and feeling loved was shut off.

As I am older and able to manage my exposure to things that activate my sympathetic nervous system and spend more time in a calmer state I have begun to notice that I am feeling more sensations from my body which I think are linked to some emotions.

Just recently I have been more open with people about my perception of the world and being autistic. This has enabled other people to open up to me too (many of whom are slef diagnosed autistic). There are a few people who really seem to understand and connect with me and vice versa. When I am talking with them or I am just with them I have started to sense this feeling in my body which I can only describe as a deep resonance, like a vibration. I don't know what this is but wonder if it might be a different form of love or if it is just a deeper sense of connection.. It isn't like the romantic love that I experience with my partner. 

Does this make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else experienced these things? 

  • Hi Beefree, yes I relate to an awful lot of what you wrote there. I identify strongly with alexithymia and this is one of the central topics in this I think. Like you said, I experience love as making me feel calm and safe, with the physical sensations being a flowing away of stress and relaxing muscles. I get this from my wife, but also - and it surprised me - from my big fat Labrador dog. Hugging the dog is like taking some kind of relaxing drug, it's that powerful.

    I also struggle with my parents. When I was a young boy, I felt looked after by my mother and this sparked off the same feelings as above. But as I grew and saw her practical help as interference in my life and then neediness, all of those feelings fell away. My dad is just my dad - 99% he's undiagnosed autistic - and I sometimes get a bit of a loving feeling but not much or often.

    My children - well, one has disowned me and the other is quite distant in many ways. My stepchildren demonstrate a level of care  and understanding that I value, but none of them is one of those wonderful daughters who does "nice" things that some parents seem to experience (even so trivial as making a coffee or tidying something without being asked).

    The overriding emotion I get when I think of my parents and daughters is anxiety - what might they want from me next?

    Like you, if I think back to my early life, the things that my mother did mostly caused feelings of anxiety rather than love; dragging me round her extended family doing "visits", almost forcing me to hug & kiss my gran & aunts and uncles, even coming to parents evenings or visit me at uni made me feel displaced, anxious and embarrassed.

    I wouldn't be surprised if these aren't common themes amongst people with ASD, and contribute to increased suicide rates and dissatisfaction with life. Slightly related, I was incredibly surprised to learn a few months ago that typical people get a rush of oxytocin from eye contact, generating a bonding, fuzzy, connected feeling; the total opposite to the feelings that I get which are fatigue, obligation and anxiety. So, things that trouble me, actually *reward* typical people. That's a b*gger.

  • in reply to Nessie

    Thankyou for your reply. It has made me consider so much more in this mystery of emotion and love...

    I can identify with only feeling one thing at once. For most of my life the only emotion I can remember feeling was frustration (mostly from not understanding or being understood). I would also perceive others emotions towards me as being absolute...for example when my parents were cross with me then my perception was that they didn't love me anymore. Whilst cognitively I understand that NTs don't experience emotion this way I still interpret their feelings towards me in this black and white way. This makes friendships really tricky and when I have a disagreement with anyone that is normally the end of the friendship. 

    I can also only think or feel but not both at the same time and like you will only feel love if my mind is focused on feeling not thinking. 

    I spend a lot of time on my own and when I am alone it is as if no one else exists because I can't see them or in the case of my partner feel them. I would have absolutely no idea what another person might be feeling if I am not with them in person.

  • I've always struggled with love too. It's quite a complex emotion and for a large part of my life I couldn't feel more than one thing at once; for example, I wasn't able to be cross with someone I loved, I would just be cross and not love them anymore.

    I also never felt loved until I met my current partner, and only then after we'd been together about 3 years. I'd known in my head for a long time that I loved him and he loved me, I just couldn't feel it. Now I can, but I have to really focus on the sensations when we are together and can't be mentally distracted by anything in order to be open and receptive to feeling loving towards him and feeling loved by him.

    I would describe the sensation as feeling "full" in my heart, and relaxed and content in my body and mind. The rest of the time I just feel empty, tense and stressed, so I guess I still find it somewhat fleeting. I'm asexual so it's mostly when we're hugging or holding hands that I feel these things; there's something about being physically close to him that I draw enormous strength, calm and comfort from. Like you, he makes me feel safe, and I don't have to mask around him so I can just be my true self.