Confused about the nature and experience of love.

Hi Beefree, yes I relate to an awful lot of what you wrote there. I identify strongly with alexithymia and this is one of the central topics in this I think. Like you said, I experience love as making me feel calm and safe, with the physical sensations being a flowing away of stress and relaxing muscles. I get this from my wife, but also - and it surprised me - from my big fat Labrador dog. Hugging the dog is like taking some kind of relaxing drug, it's that powerful.

I also struggle with my parents. When I was a young boy, I felt looked after by my mother and this sparked off the same feelings as above. But as I grew and saw her practical help as interference in my life and then neediness, all of those feelings fell away. My dad is just my dad - 99% he's undiagnosed autistic - and I sometimes get a bit of a loving feeling but not much or often.

My children - well, one has disowned me and the other is quite distant in many ways. My stepchildren demonstrate a level of care  and understanding that I value, but none of them is one of those wonderful daughters who does "nice" things that some parents seem to experience (even so trivial as making a coffee or tidying something without being asked).

The overriding emotion I get when I think of my parents and daughters is anxiety - what might they want from me next?

Like you, if I think back to my early life, the things that my mother did mostly caused feelings of anxiety rather than love; dragging me round her extended family doing "visits", almost forcing me to hug & kiss my gran & aunts and uncles, even coming to parents evenings or visit me at uni made me feel displaced, anxious and embarrassed.

I wouldn't be surprised if these aren't common themes amongst people with ASD, and contribute to increased suicide rates and dissatisfaction with life. Slightly related, I was incredibly surprised to learn a few months ago that typical people get a rush of oxytocin from eye contact, generating a bonding, fuzzy, connected feeling; the total opposite to the feelings that I get which are fatigue, obligation and anxiety. So, things that trouble me, actually *reward* typical people. That's a b*gger.

Yeap animals have the same effect on me too especially dogs. I have only ever told one person I love them but I will literally tell any dog that shows me the slightest affection that I love them, I feel this is a very genuine expression of exactly the feeling you mention above, which I get too. 

From all the replies... It does seem that this is pretty common and yet there really isn't that much written on the subject (not that I have found yet).

Eye contact is a difficult one for me too I find it very very intense. If someone gives me eye contact for more than 0.5 seconds they might as well just come and give me a great big kiss on my face (being tactile defensive this would not be a good thing). 

Beefree said:

From all the replies... It does seem that this is pretty common and yet there really isn't that much written on the subject (not that I have found yet).

I think you're right, and I'm so very pleased and relieved that you've highlighted it here.

I wonder if it's worth contacting the NAS or some autistic bloggers to see if they would be interested in doing a piece on this? Love is such a fundamental part of the human experience, it doesn't seem right that there isn't more written about it from the autie's perspective over and above the usual garbage about "You can meet prospective love-matches online if you find socialising awkward," and "You may struggle with eye contact so avoid romantic meals and do something active instead."

That type of advice seems to completely miss the complexity of the emotions and the many different manifestations of it (parent-child, child-parent, friend, as well as the reality of learning to connect with ourselves when in a romantic relationship).

Crow said:

However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic

My sensory profile is all over the place... And I agree that some sensory perception seems super enhanced. My sense of touch is really sensitive to the point that I feel people's heat radiating off them from about 1m away (generally as close as I get to others). I struggle with cognitive empathy. If someone told me a story without making it explicit how the person felt I would have no idea, but if you put me in a room with another person without looking or speaking to them I would pick up a sense of how they are. I have noticed this extreme empathy a lot with people that are autistic and especially people that do not have verbal language. I have found that I have to be careful of this and need to take care of my body so that the sensations of others don't build up inside me. Lots of stretching is helpful for me. 

Aw thank you...

Though I wish one of you were here to help me navigate this web sight. 

Crow said:

I often feel so over whelmed with life that I forget I live with a beautiful man who loves me. I spend to much time in my head. I think too much. When will I wake up to Life. 

I know exactly what you mean; I'm prone to doing this too, and far too frequently.

Crow said:

Oh how I wish I had been as a child. I’ve had to rethink my entire life.

* Hugs * We've all been there. I can honestly say as I continue to go through life, the greater insights and self-awareness I develop into my autism and the human condition of which I'm not a part, I find myself rethinking my life all over.

You'll always be among like-minds here so feel free to dive in, rant, chat, ask questions, and just be your truly amazing self. Xx

It’s so reassuring to have feed back, you are very kind & understanding. it’s like a hug.

I too become introverted when life gets tricky. Though I am basically a loner who happens to like socialising sometimes.

However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic. I’m one of those. If one doesn’t understand as a child one uses other senses. I never questioned myself as a child. But as an adult I did...but the stronger I grow the more I’m able to be my child like self once more. 

However saying this I have lost myself over these past years...we’ll my confidence. I have M.E. & this year i have been 98% of the time house bound. I try to be positive & always practice every morning seeking a beautiful thought or image wether it be a painting or looking through the windows of my home at the landscape beyond. 

But after being diagnosed with Aspergers my life has changed. I ask more questions of myself...but can’t find the answers within. But sharing with you all has bought me peace of mind & my questions I ask myself with no reply, now have a reply with thanks to you all. 

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience... I am still relatively new too but have found the forum to be an amazing place to communicate with others who really understand, (or when they don't understand will not pretend that they do).

You are so right with your closing statement that when life does become complicated we should listen to our hearts.... but know this is super tricky as we spend so much time in our heads trying to work out this crazy and unpredictable world.

I have found that consciously becoming aware of the sensations that I feel and sense has helped me loads. When I am with my partner I continously make an effort to notice how it feels when we hug, when we sit together how it feels to be close to him, how he smells etc. (although he doesn't like it when he is conscious that I am smelling him, I have to be subtle about this although I have explained why and he does understand).

I do have a degree of tactile defensiveness and for probably the first eight years of our relationship I could not initiate touch at all. I am better now and I enjoy hugging him and will regularly initiate this. His gentleness and patience has helped tremendously with getting to this point.

Crow said:

have to remember he loves me. I find it difficult that anyone would love me. I do feel alone inside, afraid of something. It may be loss

I struggle with this to some degree too. I have to remind myself of the qualities that I do bring to a relationship. I am honest, loyal, deeply caring, I don't want for material things, I value kindness and compassion and the simple things in life. I don't gossip about people or intentionally create bad feelings between people. I think these are important attributes in a relationship. 

When life is tricky I can become very introverted and this can be tricky for both me and my partner but ultimately over the years this has strengthened our relationship and through the tricky times we both have developed a deeper appreciation of each other. Helped by my partner doing the online NAS training for women and girls so that he understood I really was doing my best. 

I think it is important to focus on the qualities we bring to a relationship they are there... and sometimes it comes from our unique personalities and sometimes from being autistic. I find it so much easier to be critical of myself as this is what life has taught me up until this point, but through acceptance and true understanding I know that I am not deficient I just have a different way of perceiving and interacting with the world around me and for those that can see my true self I do have things to offer a relationship. 

I’m new to this community. It’s my first. I can associate with all of you. I had a challenging childhood. Both of my parents suffered difficult childhoods. Hence their parenting was to be desired. 

As an adult I got confused between sex & love. My ex husband was not helpful & called me mad, at this time I was not diagnosed with Aspergers. I married him to escape from home...he was kind to me. But later he became obsessive & controlling. I was not sexually attracted to him. I thought of him as a brother. 

i didn’t know what love was as my parents didn’t nurture me or understand me. My father was Mr Jackal or Mr Hyde & my mother was on another planet. 

I did fall in love with a man that I ignored for a year. I dreamt of him...then I realised I liked him. As time went on we shared so much...it was like a mind meld. He was attractive...then one day as I stood at a bus stop i fell in love with him. He became beautiful. We married. 

I have to remember he loves me. I find it difficult that anyone would love me. I do feel alone inside, afraid of something. It may be loss. I do tell myself to hug him & to be affectionate. I often feel so over whelmed with life that I forget I live with a beautiful man who loves me. I spend to much time in my head. I think too much. When will I wake up to Life. 

I was diagnosed last year. Oh how I wish I had been as a child. I’ve had to rethink my entire life.

My love for my husband grows deeper with time. I’m very blessed.

When life becomes complicated listen to your heart. 

Thank you.... 

I find this forum a really helpful and positive place to share experiences and receive support from those who understand. This link is to a post by I'm done with Christmas Cards

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/16793/understanding-yourself-how-autism-affects-you-my-autistic-charter

I found this super helpful. 

Thank you.... 

I find this forum a really helpful and positive place to share experiences and receive support from those who understand. This link is to a post by I'm done with Christmas Cards

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/16793/understanding-yourself-how-autism-affects-you-my-autistic-charter

I found this super helpful. 

Crow said:

However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic

My sensory profile is all over the place... And I agree that some sensory perception seems super enhanced. My sense of touch is really sensitive to the point that I feel people's heat radiating off them from about 1m away (generally as close as I get to others). I struggle with cognitive empathy. If someone told me a story without making it explicit how the person felt I would have no idea, but if you put me in a room with another person without looking or speaking to them I would pick up a sense of how they are. I have noticed this extreme empathy a lot with people that are autistic and especially people that do not have verbal language. I have found that I have to be careful of this and need to take care of my body so that the sensations of others don't build up inside me. Lots of stretching is helpful for me. 

Aw thank you...

Though I wish one of you were here to help me navigate this web sight. 

Crow said:

I often feel so over whelmed with life that I forget I live with a beautiful man who loves me. I spend to much time in my head. I think too much. When will I wake up to Life. 

I know exactly what you mean; I'm prone to doing this too, and far too frequently.

Crow said:

Oh how I wish I had been as a child. I’ve had to rethink my entire life.

* Hugs * We've all been there. I can honestly say as I continue to go through life, the greater insights and self-awareness I develop into my autism and the human condition of which I'm not a part, I find myself rethinking my life all over.

You'll always be among like-minds here so feel free to dive in, rant, chat, ask questions, and just be your truly amazing self. Xx

It’s so reassuring to have feed back, you are very kind & understanding. it’s like a hug.

I too become introverted when life gets tricky. Though I am basically a loner who happens to like socialising sometimes.

However i’m super sensitive. I know this sound a little out there...but there are those on the spectrum of autism who have become telepathic to some degree & extremely empathetic. I’m one of those. If one doesn’t understand as a child one uses other senses. I never questioned myself as a child. But as an adult I did...but the stronger I grow the more I’m able to be my child like self once more. 

However saying this I have lost myself over these past years...we’ll my confidence. I have M.E. & this year i have been 98% of the time house bound. I try to be positive & always practice every morning seeking a beautiful thought or image wether it be a painting or looking through the windows of my home at the landscape beyond. 

But after being diagnosed with Aspergers my life has changed. I ask more questions of myself...but can’t find the answers within. But sharing with you all has bought me peace of mind & my questions I ask myself with no reply, now have a reply with thanks to you all. 

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience... I am still relatively new too but have found the forum to be an amazing place to communicate with others who really understand, (or when they don't understand will not pretend that they do).

You are so right with your closing statement that when life does become complicated we should listen to our hearts.... but know this is super tricky as we spend so much time in our heads trying to work out this crazy and unpredictable world.

I have found that consciously becoming aware of the sensations that I feel and sense has helped me loads. When I am with my partner I continously make an effort to notice how it feels when we hug, when we sit together how it feels to be close to him, how he smells etc. (although he doesn't like it when he is conscious that I am smelling him, I have to be subtle about this although I have explained why and he does understand).

I do have a degree of tactile defensiveness and for probably the first eight years of our relationship I could not initiate touch at all. I am better now and I enjoy hugging him and will regularly initiate this. His gentleness and patience has helped tremendously with getting to this point.

Crow said:

have to remember he loves me. I find it difficult that anyone would love me. I do feel alone inside, afraid of something. It may be loss

I struggle with this to some degree too. I have to remind myself of the qualities that I do bring to a relationship. I am honest, loyal, deeply caring, I don't want for material things, I value kindness and compassion and the simple things in life. I don't gossip about people or intentionally create bad feelings between people. I think these are important attributes in a relationship. 

When life is tricky I can become very introverted and this can be tricky for both me and my partner but ultimately over the years this has strengthened our relationship and through the tricky times we both have developed a deeper appreciation of each other. Helped by my partner doing the online NAS training for women and girls so that he understood I really was doing my best. 

I think it is important to focus on the qualities we bring to a relationship they are there... and sometimes it comes from our unique personalities and sometimes from being autistic. I find it so much easier to be critical of myself as this is what life has taught me up until this point, but through acceptance and true understanding I know that I am not deficient I just have a different way of perceiving and interacting with the world around me and for those that can see my true self I do have things to offer a relationship. 

I’m new to this community. It’s my first. I can associate with all of you. I had a challenging childhood. Both of my parents suffered difficult childhoods. Hence their parenting was to be desired. 

As an adult I got confused between sex & love. My ex husband was not helpful & called me mad, at this time I was not diagnosed with Aspergers. I married him to escape from home...he was kind to me. But later he became obsessive & controlling. I was not sexually attracted to him. I thought of him as a brother. 

i didn’t know what love was as my parents didn’t nurture me or understand me. My father was Mr Jackal or Mr Hyde & my mother was on another planet. 

I did fall in love with a man that I ignored for a year. I dreamt of him...then I realised I liked him. As time went on we shared so much...it was like a mind meld. He was attractive...then one day as I stood at a bus stop i fell in love with him. He became beautiful. We married. 

I have to remember he loves me. I find it difficult that anyone would love me. I do feel alone inside, afraid of something. It may be loss. I do tell myself to hug him & to be affectionate. I often feel so over whelmed with life that I forget I live with a beautiful man who loves me. I spend to much time in my head. I think too much. When will I wake up to Life. 

I was diagnosed last year. Oh how I wish I had been as a child. I’ve had to rethink my entire life.

My love for my husband grows deeper with time. I’m very blessed.

When life becomes complicated listen to your heart.