Don’t have any friends

Hi, I’ve just this minute joined this community and this was the first post I read. I thought I’d reply as this is something that’s affected me my whole life too. 

im 43 years old and I don’t have any friends.

when I was a child I didn’t have any actual friends either. There was a few children that I would sometimes go out to play with but I think I always knew they weren’t actually my friends, but if they had no one else to play with then they would talk to me until their actual friends turned up and then I’d simply be forgotten about. 
It didn’t really upset me at the time, I didn’t care very much as I was quite happy playing on my own anyway.  I did find it all quite confusing though. Why would they talk to me one day and ignore me the next? If anything it probably just reinforced to me that people were strange and  I was better off doing my own thing.  I always remember being happiest when I was playing on my own in my own little world.  
As I grew up I sometimes played with my cousin, who probably didn’t have much choice in the matter thinking about it, but of course that meant she would touch my toys, put them in the wrong places and she then also had her own ideas about what game to play and how to play it etc which just really annoyed the hell out of me. I’d look forward to her leaving just so I could put my dolls and horses in their proper places, I’d then have to continue the game on my own basically having to undo all the stupid things that had happened in the game during the time my cousin was there interfering.  My cousin had put the wrong doll on the wrong horse, Jenny never rode Storm , she only ever rode Brennin .. my cousin had imagined Jenny had took Storm showjumping. Storm was far too difficult for Jenny to ride, Jenny wasn’t a very good rider, hence why slow and steady Brennin was her horse. Storm would definitely have chucked Jenny straight on the floor and probably trampled on her for good measure! So to me the idea that Jenny won first place in the Jump off riding Storm was just completely and utterly ludicrous. My cousin was quite obviously deranged as far as I was concerned and I’d be left feeling extremely stressed out and often angry too whilst trying to desperately figure out some way of undoing it all and putting it all right again.  I couldn’t just end the game, if I was told to go to bed for example before I’d set everything right again it would lead to a full on meltdown with my parents in hindsight being completely and utterly clueless as to what was wrong and no doubt wrongly assuming that my cousin had been mean to me or something. 
I don’t remember ever trying to explain this to my parents. I just thought they would automatically know what was wrong. I didn’t realise my behaviour wasn’t “normal” and I didn’t understand why on earth they would keep inviting her around when I just wanted to play on my own. 

As I got older and went to high school it just got worse. I was by that time aware that I just didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. 
I still didn’t actually care much about having friends or not but I did care about fitting in, or trying too. So I tried to make friends simply so that I stood out less. I needed friends to fit in, to seem less weird, to be accepted. I hadn’t had much practice at being friends with anyone, Id also been moved into higher year groups during primary school, meaning the other children in my class were several years older. I’d then had to stay in year 6 repeatedly until I was old enough to go to high school so no doubt this also had a big impact on my pretty much non existent social skills. I was also seemingly unable to consider the feelings of others. I suppose I am very selfish. I can only think about myself and my own life it seems. I can talk to people about what’s been going on in my own life, but when they start to talk about themselves I simply switch off, either change to conversation back to focus on my life or I’ll excuse myself to get away. 
obviously this is not a recipe for any sort of friendship and it’s no wonder I don’t have friends. 
Im unable to to do the whole to and fro thing, give and take. 

At school I had also got made fun of and bullied. A girl that had been bullying me for months finally hit me ,  so I hit her back, several times and that was the end of that.  But I quickly realised that some children were frightened of me after that. It was easy enough to appear intimidating and scary when needed, I wasn’t mean and I wasn’t a bully, but I’m ashamed to admit that I let others think otherwise as a kept up the pretence as a way of protecting myself. 

I left school with no real friends, but I did have some almost friends, acquaintances who I could talk to if I wanted too. Maybe they liked me, more likely they were just being polite because I’d built myself such a reputation from 1 single incident and they were probably just scared of me. 

As an adult I’ve tried and failed many times at the whole friendship thing. I’ve even managed to fake it for a while. 
But ultimately it never lasts. I still have no interest in what’s going on in anyone else’s life. It’s not that I’m uncaring because I do care, I’m incredibly kind and the sort of person who’s always willing to help others if I can. But I just simply can’t deal with anyone else’s problems or lives because it takes me every single thing that just to get through each day and deal with my own. 

I would like friends, or even just A friend.  But it also comes with so much pressure. Sometimes I can’t deal with talking to anyone, maybe for weeks. I guess unless you want a friend who will ignore you for weeks and then bombard you with their life stories only to get up and leave when it’s your turn to talk then I’m not a good choice.  I’d like friends but I don’t think they’d like me. 

instead I’ve always been a huge animal lover so I have several pets who are better suited as friends for me.  They offer the companionship but they don’t make my brain hurt with conversations, they n’t judge me and I can therefore be myself without the need to pretend I’m someone I’m not. So that’s what works for me. 

I didn’t intend for my first ever comment to amount to almost a novel but this is something I’ve never actually been honest enough to say before. I hope that if anyone can understand then it’s you guys.  X 

Hi, I’ve just this minute joined this community and this was the first post I read. I thought I’d reply as this is something that’s affected me my whole life too. 

im 43 years old and I don’t have any friends.

when I was a child I didn’t have any actual friends either. There was a few children that I would sometimes go out to play with but I think I always knew they weren’t actually my friends, but if they had no one else to play with then they would talk to me until their actual friends turned up and then I’d simply be forgotten about. 
It didn’t really upset me at the time, I didn’t care very much as I was quite happy playing on my own anyway.  I did find it all quite confusing though. Why would they talk to me one day and ignore me the next? If anything it probably just reinforced to me that people were strange and  I was better off doing my own thing.  I always remember being happiest when I was playing on my own in my own little world.  
As I grew up I sometimes played with my cousin, who probably didn’t have much choice in the matter thinking about it, but of course that meant she would touch my toys, put them in the wrong places and she then also had her own ideas about what game to play and how to play it etc which just really annoyed the hell out of me. I’d look forward to her leaving just so I could put my dolls and horses in their proper places, I’d then have to continue the game on my own basically having to undo all the stupid things that had happened in the game during the time my cousin was there interfering.  My cousin had put the wrong doll on the wrong horse, Jenny never rode Storm , she only ever rode Brennin .. my cousin had imagined Jenny had took Storm showjumping. Storm was far too difficult for Jenny to ride, Jenny wasn’t a very good rider, hence why slow and steady Brennin was her horse. Storm would definitely have chucked Jenny straight on the floor and probably trampled on her for good measure! So to me the idea that Jenny won first place in the Jump off riding Storm was just completely and utterly ludicrous. My cousin was quite obviously deranged as far as I was concerned and I’d be left feeling extremely stressed out and often angry too whilst trying to desperately figure out some way of undoing it all and putting it all right again.  I couldn’t just end the game, if I was told to go to bed for example before I’d set everything right again it would lead to a full on meltdown with my parents in hindsight being completely and utterly clueless as to what was wrong and no doubt wrongly assuming that my cousin had been mean to me or something. 
I don’t remember ever trying to explain this to my parents. I just thought they would automatically know what was wrong. I didn’t realise my behaviour wasn’t “normal” and I didn’t understand why on earth they would keep inviting her around when I just wanted to play on my own. 

As I got older and went to high school it just got worse. I was by that time aware that I just didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. 
I still didn’t actually care much about having friends or not but I did care about fitting in, or trying too. So I tried to make friends simply so that I stood out less. I needed friends to fit in, to seem less weird, to be accepted. I hadn’t had much practice at being friends with anyone, Id also been moved into higher year groups during primary school, meaning the other children in my class were several years older. I’d then had to stay in year 6 repeatedly until I was old enough to go to high school so no doubt this also had a big impact on my pretty much non existent social skills. I was also seemingly unable to consider the feelings of others. I suppose I am very selfish. I can only think about myself and my own life it seems. I can talk to people about what’s been going on in my own life, but when they start to talk about themselves I simply switch off, either change to conversation back to focus on my life or I’ll excuse myself to get away. 
obviously this is not a recipe for any sort of friendship and it’s no wonder I don’t have friends. 
Im unable to to do the whole to and fro thing, give and take. 

At school I had also got made fun of and bullied. A girl that had been bullying me for months finally hit me ,  so I hit her back, several times and that was the end of that.  But I quickly realised that some children were frightened of me after that. It was easy enough to appear intimidating and scary when needed, I wasn’t mean and I wasn’t a bully, but I’m ashamed to admit that I let others think otherwise as a kept up the pretence as a way of protecting myself. 

I left school with no real friends, but I did have some almost friends, acquaintances who I could talk to if I wanted too. Maybe they liked me, more likely they were just being polite because I’d built myself such a reputation from 1 single incident and they were probably just scared of me. 

As an adult I’ve tried and failed many times at the whole friendship thing. I’ve even managed to fake it for a while. 
But ultimately it never lasts. I still have no interest in what’s going on in anyone else’s life. It’s not that I’m uncaring because I do care, I’m incredibly kind and the sort of person who’s always willing to help others if I can. But I just simply can’t deal with anyone else’s problems or lives because it takes me every single thing that just to get through each day and deal with my own. 

I would like friends, or even just A friend.  But it also comes with so much pressure. Sometimes I can’t deal with talking to anyone, maybe for weeks. I guess unless you want a friend who will ignore you for weeks and then bombard you with their life stories only to get up and leave when it’s your turn to talk then I’m not a good choice.  I’d like friends but I don’t think they’d like me. 

instead I’ve always been a huge animal lover so I have several pets who are better suited as friends for me.  They offer the companionship but they don’t make my brain hurt with conversations, they n’t judge me and I can therefore be myself without the need to pretend I’m someone I’m not. So that’s what works for me. 

I didn’t intend for my first ever comment to amount to almost a novel but this is something I’ve never actually been honest enough to say before. I hope that if anyone can understand then it’s you guys.  X 

Hello and welcome! Yes, of course we understand, and to a depth and a breadth that no-one else can. Please dive in, ask questions, have a rant, and share your experiences and your hard-won wisdom; it's great to have you here. If you get a chance, have a go at updating your Profile with a username that's a bit more memorable and write a little about yourself if you feel comfortable doing so. Please feel free to read my profile too.

NAS64484 said:

Why would they talk to me one day and ignore me the next? If anything it probably just reinforced to me that people were strange and  I was better off doing my own thing.  I always remember being happiest when I was playing on my own in my own little world.  

Oh yes, we've all been there. 

NAS64484 said:

I couldn’t just end the game, if I was told to go to bed for example before I’d set everything right again it would lead to a full on meltdown with my parents in hindsight being completely and utterly clueless as to what was wrong and no doubt wrongly assuming that my cousin had been mean to me or something. 
I don’t remember ever trying to explain this to my parents. I just thought they would automatically know what was wrong. I didn’t realise my behaviour wasn’t “normal” and I didn’t understand why on earth they would keep inviting her around when I just wanted to play on my own. 

Ah, such fond memories... Okay, maybe not 'fond', but yes, I hated the way other children would mess things up, followed by the overwhelming frustration when I wasn't allowed to rectify it, and my parents' persistence in inviting 'little friends' over to play when I just wanted to be left to my own devices. I had them and my older brother as play-mates, and that was plenty for me.

NAS64484 said:

I suppose I am very selfish. I can only think about myself and my own life it seems. I can talk to people about what’s been going on in my own life, but when they start to talk about themselves I simply switch off, either change to conversation back to focus on my life or I’ll excuse myself to get away. 
obviously this is not a recipe for any sort of friendship and it’s no wonder I don’t have friends. 
Im unable to to do the whole to and fro thing, give and take. 

Nah, we're not selfish, we're just using all our energy and concentration to cope with all the other chaos inside us and around us, which doesn't really leave any capacity to indulge others. Unfortunately, that does seem to be the basis for traditional friendships. I like online, especially forums, because you can write your side and then switch off, and the inevitable lag between posts (responses) means it's not noticed like it would be in a real-time conversation.

NAS64484 said:

As an adult I’ve tried and failed many times at the whole friendship thing. I’ve even managed to fake it for a while. 
But ultimately it never lasts. I still have no interest in what’s going on in anyone else’s life. It’s not that I’m uncaring because I do care, I’m incredibly kind and the sort of person who’s always willing to help others if I can. But I just simply can’t deal with anyone else’s problems or lives because it takes me every single thing that just to get through each day and deal with my own. 

Exactly. That's just the nature of being autistic. Rather than focusing on what a bad neurotypical person you are, you should remember that you are an amazing autistic person.

NAS64484 said:

I guess unless you want a friend who will ignore you for weeks and then bombard you with their life stories only to get up and leave when it’s your turn to talk then I’m not a good choice.

^^^ This is the social-norm for this forum, so please trust me when I say you are among like-minds and very welcome here.

NAS64484 said:

I have several pets who are better suited as friends for me.  They offer the companionship but they don’t make my brain hurt with conversations

Gotta love the four-legged furries. For now, I just have a fiancé, but we'd love to have a cat or two someday.