Feeling self conscious about my Autism

I feel overwhelmed most days, I know that if I let on that I am not like my colleagues or those in the existing social circle I will be excluded and this I have experienced and it feels awful, worse that being exhausted by the constant up keep of their expectations. 

I get overwhelmed to my quirks and desires which can't yet be let out the box but I muddle through and think like that each day as be carefully scripted and prefilmed for you to act out during the day. 

I struggle alot with the overside of autism the processing side. I tend to process the world very differently but for the last five years I have been denied my release mechinism which has resulted in anxiety from not having release it all because I'm self conscious to own up and explain for coping techniques to the world and try and sort some roleplaying activities out. it like i'm to self conscious has man to sort trying female clothes as that what my body is wanting to try and need some help really bad or to take some action really badly as it not great on mental health.

I have sort of gone on a rant there 

Kitsune said:

Thank you for the advice. I will see if keeping my attention focused elsewhere is beneficial. Is that technique accessible online at all please?

Well the technique learnt by myself is compilation of techniques as taken from firstly reading and practicing the disciplines from Plato's 'The Republic' involving most particularly the 'cave analogy', and then secondly the next was Christian Bible involving the 'greatest commandment' (or actually the greatest consolidation) with one Greek version of which in English being:

"Aspire to love in principle the Spirit* of you ~ well within the heart of you, well within the soul of you and well within the mind of you. This being the first of the greatest consolidation; and the second of the greatest consolidation likewise is: aspire to love the neighbors of you as well as the *Self of you. For on the embodiment of this dual consolidation ~ all of the teaching suspends with the prophets."

Then the next book was one which involved a meditation type discussing the most disciplined mediation techniques he had come across ~ with one being to silence the internal narrative by focusing oneself entirely within the heart, which given the greatest consolidation and having out of body orbicular experiences ~ it really rather struck a cord with me, and being that I have Schizoeffective Personality Disorder ~ I really rather wanted silence the fragmented multitude selves / ego-state versions of me as being then Schizotypal. Unfortunately I cannot recall the author or the title or the name of that school of meditation and where it was as the book was loaned to me and I did not get a copy myself, and due to having seizures my mind tends to get rather fragged and recalling books or names etcetera is really hard or impossible unless I actually have copies of or surviving notes about them for reference.

The final title on centering one's self theme was / is called 'The Secret Of the Golden Flower' with a foreward by 'C. J. Jung', which was right up my street as I am very much into Jungian psychology and eastern traditionalism involving mandalas, geometries and gestaltism, taoism or wayism and all that.

When it comes to visualising the golden flower or lotus as some of the Egyptian types called it ~ if you decide to go for it, start by visualising a violet flame (check out violet flame meditations) rather than gold; given that you are still masking ~ as going for gold whilst fragmented can be psychologically in the structural sense shattering, and risks as such dealing with strenuous turbulent insanity and or the whimsical and weird sorts ~ depending upon one's nature and style or type of social and personal repression during upbringing and all that.

The usual technique is to watch a candle flame in the dark as the flame gives you flame-shaped flame-spots in your inner vision, which is done until the image becomes a permant aspect in your visual recall ~ which can be enhanced with purple lens glasses or a transparency if your are not a natural at colour visualisation.

If you want to go for the geometric visualisation approach ~ a pyrite cube is one method but of course the sanity factor may be a problem with the golden effect, but another option staring at an image of 'Metraton's Cube' ~ such as:

Or:

As a few examples.

Kitsune said:

 Usually when I’m at work or talking with parents at Beavers I use an eye contact modulation technique that I learned in my book by Daniel Wendler, essentially you mirror your conversation partners eye contact but wait a few seconds before mirroring, so that (hopefully) they don’t notice. I would say that I can probably hold contact for less time than is recommended in the book anyway, unless I’m in a super starey mood. Unfortunately, yesterday evening I was completely frazzled and not in the mood for making eye contact with any other adults (for some reason children aren’t as difficult for me to make eye contact with). I have also heard the advice of looking in between people’s eyes when speaking with them but worry that I may appear cross eyed!

With the seizures thing I am usually to frazzled to do anything other than the meditation focus which is totally habituated now, as it keeps me centered enough to keep with the basic necessities ~ without having to concern myself any of that human interaction rigmarole of where to look at people and for how long and all that, and definitely I recall what you mean about the cross eyed thing! Another problem I used to get really hypertensive about was blinking rates ~ oh my life having the obsessive compulsions on that was so not good!!!

Basically though with the meditation focus it is a combination of open mindfulness and focused contemplation involving the light of the inner self, which as a geometric sparkly particle as some find it to be ~ it is an energy source that is located or seated in the center of the chest. By using inner breathing as if the nose and mouth are in the center of the chest ~ one breaths down from the chest center and up from the core of the planet, and breaths out back to the core of the planet as if the feet were nostrils in a sense.

If one is sat the out-breaths can be imagined as roots or streams of energy that are grounding or connecting, and if one is stood too. If one is walking, jogging or running one can draw up energy via the feet sucking them temporarily to the floor and as such increase ones mobility ~ which applies to the hands and arms too for wheelchair uses, and the hands and feet for swimmers also.

 Awareness of how we present to others or of others intentions towards us isn’t our greatest strength!

I’ve shared the first article on my group’s page so hopefully it will resonate with and help some more people.

Yes, I can certainly understand and empathise with your first point. It also connects to your second point.

I can remember being told, ‘I’m not really interested in 11th and 12th century Andalusian poetry, I was hoping you were going to ask me out.’ This after a month of discussing Ibn ‘Arabi and his contemporaries. Funny lot NTs.

Thank you for sharing those two articles. I’ve just read the first one (will have to read the second one later). I can completely identify with everything in that article, especially this:

“I feel trapped in a world that judges me at every turn and yet never bothers to try to help or understand.”

I guess as late diagnosed Autistics, we’re on the catch up here. Perhaps, certainly in my case, we’ve always known that we’re different, but we’ve never fully understood why, until now. Now we’re left trying to read all of the literature so we can finally understand how our Autism means that we behave in certain ways. Of course it still remains the case that why it is appropriate to disclose our diagnosis in some circumstances, it isn’t appropriate in others.

The second point of the article I can relate to too. That being a woman on the spectrum can lead to me being misconstrued as being sexually forward when in my head I’m just being friendly. I’ve never had a problem with being friends with men and I’m Avery open and honest person, so if I feel close to someone as a friend then I’ll tell them. However, while I mean exactly what I said, I have found that it frequently gets misinterpreted as sexual interest, when it isn’t! 

On a more serious note:

This article may interest you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/aspergers-diary/201503/being-misunderstood

Recently I have been reading cross-cultural autism studies in psychology and psychiatry domains. And anthropological studies of autistic experience and societal conceptualisations of autism.

‘(1) A holistic view that considers the place of autism in the larger sociocultural context. (2) Attention to the local and historical particularity of the concept of autism. (3) Attention to the lived experience of people with autism and those close to them’’ https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11013-015-9450-y

Hey Aidie! Is everything ok?

 I think I remember you telling me about your t-shirts some months ago! Oh how I wish I had the nerve to wear one out! 

Thank you for the advice. I will see if keeping my attention focused elsewhere is beneficial. Is that technique accessible online at all please?  Usually when I’m at work or talking with parents at Beavers I use an eye contact modulation technique that I learned in my book by Daniel Wendler, essentially you mirror your conversation partners eye contact but wait a few seconds before mirroring, so that (hopefully) they don’t notice. I would say that I can probably hold contact for less time than is recommended in the book anyway, unless I’m in a super starey mood. Unfortunately, yesterday evening I was completely frazzled and not in the mood for making eye contact with any other adults (for some reason children aren’t as difficult for me to make eye contact with). I have also heard the advice of looking in between people’s eyes when speaking with them but worry that I may appear cross eyed!

Well I managed the good sleep thing, only just woke up at 10:30  

I have a variety of T shirts that say, ‘Kiss My Aspergers’. Perhaps if you wear one of these you may find that parents will offer to help with your scouting duties.

Kitsune said:

One of the mum’s in particular, I asked her how she was, just being polite and then I looked away and I could see her watching me waiting for me to look at her again before she would continue the conversation. I had to be polite and look back but I just really wasn’t in the mood for doing even modulated eye contact, it was just uncomfortable. I know most people expect eye contact during conversation but sometimes I’d really rather not!

Personally with the eye-contact thing ~ I got into doing a meditation technique years back where I keep my center of attention focused in the center of my chest, visualising a golden orb or platonic solids, and I just use my peripheral vision and frame people's heads roughly in the center of my vision ~ and nobody notices and most people think as such that I have good eye-contact.

Other recommended techniques that I have tried is looking at the bridge of the nose or the eyebrows ~ but the eyebrows one got problematic, as I started getting caught up with how long to look at each one and which one to start with and all that, plus it got noticed a few times unlike the peripheral vision one. The bridge of the nose one was a bit tricky like the eyebrows only with the eyes, but different strokes for different folks and all that.

sorry couldnt help myself .....shutting down .... 

That sounds like a good idea to me. Haha, maybe they're due for a sleepover with some relatives?

I'm sure it is. Try not to give yourself a hard time about it.

I’m going to try to have a few relatively early nights as catching up on sleep usually helps me to level out. Quiet time is a luxury that I don’t have, my 3 children ensure that! 

You’re right. It is probably long gone from the mum’s head. I think that because I’m over tired I’m just over thinking things more.

I can relate to that. It sounds like it might be time for a rest! Are you able to put some time aside this week to have some quiet time to yourself?

If it makes you feel any better, that mum probably walked away from the conversation and hasn't given it a second thought since. I think we just tend to replay things in our heads because we're so conscious about how we're coming across.

Not just me then!

Hi CaliforniaDreamer95 mostly I’m lucky in that most of my friends are either Autistic, probably Autistic or Autistic friendly NTs. So I can usually go about my life without feeling too self conscious about how I am. But sometimes a combination of circumstances makes me feel all socially awkward and weird!

Thanks! ‘Autistic not Weird’ right? I need a t-shirt saying exactly that

Most of the time I’m oblivious enough to not really care too much what others may or may not think of me. I think I’ve been burning the candle at both ends a bit recently which has probably made me a bit extra sensitive. I’m also slightly less able to mask when I’m over tired and sadly I do need to mask in certain situations.

One of the mum’s in particular, I asked her how she was, just being polite and then I looked away and I could see her watching me waiting for me to look at her again before she would continue the conversation. I had to be polite and look back but I just really wasn’t in the mood for doing even modulated eye contact, it was just uncomfortable. I know most people expect eye contact during conversation but sometimes I’d really rather not!