Published on 12, July, 2020
Am I the only one who occasionally gets overwhelmed by my own weirdness? I usually manage to bumble along, happy in my own little world. But tonight, I’ve run two lots of Beaver Scouts single handedly and did it well. I just feel very over conscious of how terrible my social skills are when I’m talking with the parents. I don’t respond ‘normally’ to what they say, I don’t pick up on social cues and I avoid eye contact. I’m just convinced that the parents all find me very odd!
I feel overwhelmed most days, I know that if I let on that I am not like my colleagues or those in the existing social circle I will be excluded and this I have experienced and it feels awful, worse that being exhausted by the constant up keep of their expectations.
Hi, Sorry to hear that you feel overwhelmed most days. Having to pretend to be something you are not can get exhausting, I reserve the masking for when I am working or running Beavers, otherwise it just gets too much. Do you have friends or other people that you are able to be your true self in front of?
No, it's to much trouble to just be me people get upset and say im selfish or antisocial and form their opinions which tend to have negative out comes for me .
I have to be the bad person sometimes when I get overwhelmed and just go into another room and close the door a stay there for a while, but I can't relax because I know the feeling it creates with my partner so that's that.
I don't switch off really I stay like this for about 2/3 months and then implode afterwards, I do try to pick up the pieces and find a way to adjust so I don't meltdown. But I swear the meltdowns really damage me the last one I was so stressed my speach was affected for about 3 weeks and my memory became really bad not that its too good anyway but I feel one day it will have a lasting effect if it doesn't already.
I can't even begin to say how I struggle with work because normally if my employer finds out I have autism I lose my job due to being forced out or laid off because I'm not the right fit and truly I thought that atos or the unions would help me but no help what so ever was given and I can remember begging at one point for help.
I'm really sorry to hear about this! Does it get draining having to constantly pretend?
You're not being a bad person by taking time out, it's called self care, something which everyone ought to practice! I'm sure that your partner does things that they need to do in order to look after themselves? When I need time out I usually go for a drive or hibernate in my study!
If your meltdowns are affecting you for weeks afterwards then maybe it is time to start identifying and managing meltdown triggers? Do you get any support from your local Autism services?
Would it be worth a visit to your GP to ask if they can refer you to someone for some help and support?