Borderline and/or Asperger: AQ EQ RAADS-R Personality Stimming Synesthesia Prosopagnosia PMDD

This year I started therapy because of depression and anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of not knowing how to move forward.

I finished my studies a year ago, master's in economics with a minor in journalism. I worked as a journalist the summer before graduating, and even though I very much enjoy writing essays and articles, the social aspect of the job was too much for me. It was also a daily, and I prefer working on projects for longer.

My psychiatrist had me take a personality disorder test, basically on my request, since I had suspected I might have borderline since I was around 13. I had waves of depression and anxiety, and I was cutting myself age 11-14.

I got the diagnosis depression and unstable personality disorder, and of course I got pills.

I am still going to this place and another therapist, and will give them my AQ and EQ results next time (they had me do the tests, again on my request).

While I do see myself in many borderline traits, I am not very dramatic or impulsive. I can go towards a panic attack because there are too many cheeses at the store, and I would like to do research on them all so I could make an informed decision. That's not impulsive, that is overwhelming. If I had a fight with my ex, I was more likely to stare at a corner than shout at him.

There is a sub-type of borderline called "quiet borderline", where instead of exploding onto others (something I occasionally admit I do but mostly not) you direct that reaction onto yourself, you act "in" rather than act out. The type kinda explains me better. The one thing that borderline explains perfectly is the idea of a "favourite person", having only one person that you focus on, can fantasise about (romantic or not), and you build them up in your head, they are special/perfect/somehow you share a soul, and this relationship can fluctuate between idealisation and devaluation. How this person acts can make or break your day, and you can obsess about them, they become like a drug. Does this sound like an autistic trait? There is a good descriptive video on YouTube by Dr. Daniel Fox if you want more information, I won't go into it deeper here. I'm mostly not social and haven't made friends IRL in years, but once every few years I grow attached like this to someone, sadly I didn't catch myself doing it this last time either...

I have concerns about if my attempts to hide my autistic traits has led to masking which has led to borderline-like behaviour and an unstable sense of self. I have also coped with social situations by drinking alcohol and smoking weed.

A few years ago I started learning about autism and I took the AQ and saw that I did score as having a high probability of being on the spectrum.

I began revisiting the idea this year, since I feel incapable of moving forward or anywhere without understanding myself. My brother has similar scores to me, and I suspect he is also on the spectrum.

I score 37 on the AQ, 38 on the EQ, and 130-150 on the RAADS-R.

If my mom was asked to describe me as a kid, she would say "you were shy and wanted to play by yourself, if strangers came by you would hide behind me or under the table".

I had a few interests that were very important to me. I loved dogs and I went to the library and I borrowed all the books on dog breeds, and wrote little essays about them. I collected little plastic dogs, and I used to place them in rows and play out scenes - not by picking the dogs up and going like jump jump woof woof, but in my head. When other kids wanted to play something like "house" where we would have to pretend to be a mother/father/children, I thought it was absolutely ridiculous and they were very annoying to me. I did however make friends as a child, but I think a lot of my socialising came from the fact that my older brother was bullied very bad all his childhood, and I was afraid the same would happen to me. I saw how unhappy he was and how hard it was on my parents.

I was initially kind of a tomboy and made friends with boys on my street, when I started school I made sure to always have one good girl friend, which often meant being part of a group of girls. I remember being called a "transvestite" (yes, transvestite) for liking metal when I was 11. I also remember not really taking offence, just thinking that the comment was amazingly stupid. As a teenager I then dressed kind of emo because I was feeling bad and out of place, at that point I had a steady friendship with a "strong character" kind of girl, who would take the lead in social situations. i felt like a mature child and teenager, but now I feel like a childlike adult in a way. Like an old soul, but Peter Pan at the same time.

Today I have a few interests that are very important to me. I play a competitive online game in which I'm in the top 1% (I also wrote my master's thesis about it). Another interest is news, politics and philosophy in public discourse. I am extremely fact - and truth-centred, and I can spend hours explaining why someone is lying in a YouTube comment. And it's not like "you're dumb and wrong", it's research with numerous credible sources and statistics to show my point and like... It's good but way too intense (people tell me). I like "debating" online because I can dig deep into my own beliefs and understanding of the world. And I can't stop doing it because there is so much misinformation and bad actors out there. And gullible people.

Another slightly obsessive interest at the moment has been this mission of figuring myself out.

I did the Myers-Briggs test because I thought it could help me figure out a career, it tells me I'm an INTP-T and I find a lot of the description fitting. The IN and the last T are sure, the TP are a bit more around the middle. Enneagram 5w4, observer/investigator.

I did a test to see if I'm an HSP, a highly sensitive person, and I am, though they should find social situations very rewarding or calming, and I do not. I enjoy deep and honest conversation, but I highly prefer written communication, as it gives me time to think and express myself, and nobody is looking at me to watch my reactions.

A few other things make me think it might be Asperger.

I suffer from bruxism  (I grind my teeth), which I read is common. I have had a few different stimming methods, from pulling my eyelashes as a kid, to then biting my nails and then stroking the ends of my hair. I distinctly remember being around 18, and watching a movie with a few friends, when one of them said "omg can you stop doing that?". And I was like "ummm huh", and kinda sat on my hands, but I was upset - I remember coming home and saying to my mom something like "what is her problem, why would she have to say something like that, how can that bother her, so what if I wanna do that". 

Another thing is that I have associative grapheme-colour synesthesia. I relate letters, numbers and words to colours. I remember as a kid, my parents had bought new towels, red, blue, green and yellow. My dad said the yellow one was mine. I said that was wrong, the red one should be mine, because my name is red. He said he already used the red one, the yellow one is mine. My fathers name is also red, which made it impossible to get the colours right anyway. This bothered me a lot but I accepted it. Synesthesia helped me remember things, for example it is clear to me that Plato is yellow, Aristotle is green and Socrates is blue, so thinking back on my notes was easy when I remembered what colour what words were. I only learned what synesthesia actually is around a year ago.

I also have prosopagnosia, it is hard for me to remember faces. I can imagine my parents faces, and close friends or people I see often through media, but for example I can't "in my minds eye" see the face of my current therapist, though I have seen her five times. 

I also have PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, meaning PMS on steroids. I read that this is common among females on the spectrum. I feel like I'm sensitive to all kinds of changes, hormonal, what I eat, my environment, fabrics (cheap fabrics make sweat like crazy), body care products, sound...

Any thoughts on any of this? Anyone have experience with a borderline diagnosis?

LONG POST, thanks if you read it, I'm new here, hello, I appreciate any answers. Have a good day.