Published on 12, July, 2020
This year I started therapy because of depression and anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of not knowing how to move forward.
I finished my studies a year ago, master's in economics with a minor in journalism. I worked as a journalist the summer before graduating, and even though I very much enjoy writing essays and articles, the social aspect of the job was too much for me. It was also a daily, and I prefer working on projects for longer.
My psychiatrist had me take a personality disorder test, basically on my request, since I had suspected I might have borderline since I was around 13. I had waves of depression and anxiety, and I was cutting myself age 11-14.
I got the diagnosis depression and unstable personality disorder, and of course I got pills.
I am still going to this place and another therapist, and will give them my AQ and EQ results next time (they had me do the tests, again on my request).
While I do see myself in many borderline traits, I am not very dramatic or impulsive. I can go towards a panic attack because there are too many cheeses at the store, and I would like to do research on them all so I could make an informed decision. That's not impulsive, that is overwhelming. If I had a fight with my ex, I was more likely to stare at a corner than shout at him.
There is a sub-type of borderline called "quiet borderline", where instead of exploding onto others (something I occasionally admit I do but mostly not) you direct that reaction onto yourself, you act "in" rather than act out. The type kinda explains me better. The one thing that borderline explains perfectly is the idea of a "favourite person", having only one person that you focus on, can fantasise about (romantic or not), and you build them up in your head, they are special/perfect/somehow you share a soul, and this relationship can fluctuate between idealisation and devaluation. How this person acts can make or break your day, and you can obsess about them, they become like a drug. Does this sound like an autistic trait? There is a good descriptive video on YouTube by Dr. Daniel Fox if you want more information, I won't go into it deeper here. I'm mostly not social and haven't made friends IRL in years, but once every few years I grow attached like this to someone, sadly I didn't catch myself doing it this last time either...
I have concerns about if my attempts to hide my autistic traits has led to masking which has led to borderline-like behaviour and an unstable sense of self. I have also coped with social situations by drinking alcohol and smoking weed.
A few years ago I started learning about autism and I took the AQ and saw that I did score as having a high probability of being on the spectrum.
I began revisiting the idea this year, since I feel incapable of moving forward or anywhere without understanding myself. My brother has similar scores to me, and I suspect he is also on the spectrum.
I score 37 on the AQ, 38 on the EQ, and 130-150 on the RAADS-R.
If my mom was asked to describe me as a kid, she would say "you were shy and wanted to play by yourself, if strangers came by you would hide behind me or under the table".
I had a few interests that were very important to me. I loved dogs and I went to the library and I borrowed all the books on dog breeds, and wrote little essays about them. I collected little plastic dogs, and I used to place them in rows and play out scenes - not by picking the dogs up and going like jump jump woof woof, but in my head. When other kids wanted to play something like "house" where we would have to pretend to be a mother/father/children, I thought it was absolutely ridiculous and they were very annoying to me. I did however make friends as a child, but I think a lot of my socialising came from the fact that my older brother was bullied very bad all his childhood, and I was afraid the same would happen to me. I saw how unhappy he was and how hard it was on my parents.
I was initially kind of a tomboy and made friends with boys on my street, when I started school I made sure to always have one good girl friend, which often meant being part of a group of girls. I remember being called a "transvestite" (yes, transvestite) for liking metal when I was 11. I also remember not really taking offence, just thinking that the comment was amazingly stupid. As a teenager I then dressed kind of emo because I was feeling bad and out of place, at that point I had a steady friendship with a "strong character" kind of girl, who would take the lead in social situations. i felt like a mature child and teenager, but now I feel like a childlike adult in a way. Like an old soul, but Peter Pan at the same time.
Today I have a few interests that are very important to me. I play a competitive online game in which I'm in the top 1% (I also wrote my master's thesis about it). Another interest is news, politics and philosophy in public discourse. I am extremely fact - and truth-centred, and I can spend hours explaining why someone is lying in a YouTube comment. And it's not like "you're dumb and wrong", it's research with numerous credible sources and statistics to show my point and like... It's good but way too intense (people tell me). I like "debating" online because I can dig deep into my own beliefs and understanding of the world. And I can't stop doing it because there is so much misinformation and bad actors out there. And gullible people.
Another slightly obsessive interest at the moment has been this mission of figuring myself out.
I did the Myers-Briggs test because I thought it could help me figure out a career, it tells me I'm an INTP-T and I find a lot of the description fitting. The IN and the last T are sure, the TP are a bit more around the middle. Enneagram 5w4, observer/investigator.
I did a test to see if I'm an HSP, a highly sensitive person, and I am, though they should find social situations very rewarding or calming, and I do not. I enjoy deep and honest conversation, but I highly prefer written communication, as it gives me time to think and express myself, and nobody is looking at me to watch my reactions.
A few other things make me think it might be Asperger.
I suffer from bruxism (I grind my teeth), which I read is common. I have had a few different stimming methods, from pulling my eyelashes as a kid, to then biting my nails and then stroking the ends of my hair. I distinctly remember being around 18, and watching a movie with a few friends, when one of them said "omg can you stop doing that?". And I was like "ummm huh", and kinda sat on my hands, but I was upset - I remember coming home and saying to my mom something like "what is her problem, why would she have to say something like that, how can that bother her, so what if I wanna do that".
Another thing is that I have associative grapheme-colour synesthesia. I relate letters, numbers and words to colours. I remember as a kid, my parents had bought new towels, red, blue, green and yellow. My dad said the yellow one was mine. I said that was wrong, the red one should be mine, because my name is red. He said he already used the red one, the yellow one is mine. My fathers name is also red, which made it impossible to get the colours right anyway. This bothered me a lot but I accepted it. Synesthesia helped me remember things, for example it is clear to me that Plato is yellow, Aristotle is green and Socrates is blue, so thinking back on my notes was easy when I remembered what colour what words were. I only learned what synesthesia actually is around a year ago.
I also have prosopagnosia, it is hard for me to remember faces. I can imagine my parents faces, and close friends or people I see often through media, but for example I can't "in my minds eye" see the face of my current therapist, though I have seen her five times.
I also have PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, meaning PMS on steroids. I read that this is common among females on the spectrum. I feel like I'm sensitive to all kinds of changes, hormonal, what I eat, my environment, fabrics (cheap fabrics make sweat like crazy), body care products, sound...
Any thoughts on any of this? Anyone have experience with a borderline diagnosis?
LONG POST, thanks if you read it, I'm new here, hello, I appreciate any answers. Have a good day.
Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network
https://twitter.com/awnnetwork_
https://www.jkp.com/uk/gender-identity-sexuality-and-autism-2.html
I think the whole idea of judging autism with these narrow gender-related interests and ways is ridiculous.
I think one of the most loving things you can ever do, is say to someone that this is over and we can be happier apart. Holding onto someone as if owing each other something for once wanting to be together can be damaging for both.
I've never been polyamorous, I don't think it is for me, though I see how it can be more chill. I like aspects of it but still not. But whatever floats your boat. All about being honest and trying to be happy and making each other happy.
My gender is complicated! I was male assigned at birth, but identify as non-binary. Though there was a few years in the my early twenties where I thought I identified as female and so was presenting as a woman when I got the BPD diagnosis. I didn't particularly fit the autistic boy stereotype growing up, but then also the things I've read about autism in girls doesn't fit entirely either. But I kind of relate to bits of both. I felt different, but made an attempt to fit in, but my masking was never particularly good. Mostly I was a weird overly quiet kid. So yeah I also worry that I won't be taken seriously for not fitting an autistic stereotype.
I can relate to some of what you wrote about relationships, as I sometimes have issues with insecurities and anxieties too. I've sometimes gone from liking someone to never wanting to speak to them again pretty much over night, if someone crosses a line then I don't tend to tolerate that, and I've never been good at pretending to like someone when I don't. But generally it's been over reasons where I don't think I was being unreasonable.
I like your relationship philosophy. Promising to love someone for ever does sound a bit strange. When it comes to relationships I only do polyamorous ones, which I find easier as in the poly community people tend to be a lot more explicit about what they are wanting in relationships, and I feel less pressure to do all the typical relationship stuff. I'd be more confused than anything if somebody cheated on me, as I'd almost always be fine with them seeing someone else if they were honest about it.
Hi pegasus, thanks for your reply.
About the borderline traits, statements we should agree with are listed below for context.
The first one, feeling "empty", I kind of relate to, but not. When asked this in therapy my answer was something like "in a way yes, or more like where certain things should be, other things are - like I haven't enjoyed the things I so called 'should enjoy', it takes effort instead of coming naturally, and I don't feel like being like most people is for me". It feels wrong to call myself empty when I also have a million thoughts going on and I care so much about certain things and the world. I would more relate to feeling different than empty. Sometimes I think I'm a shell of a human, but it's more about peoples expectations vs my nature. This is endlessly difficult to put into words.
My emotions can shift very quickly, yes, usually there is a reason, sometimes randomly sad. Feels like the medication they gave me (quetiapine) makes me randomly sob in the mornings. Could be because it enhances dreams (nightmares).
The fear of abandonment I feel isn't quite there either, I do have extreme anxiety and reoccurring nightmares about my parents passing away, but in relationships I haven't had extreme jealousy or been attacking my partners about where they have been etc, unless they give me reasons (like my ex threatening to cheat). In high school I did feel like my friends were abandoning me, but well, they thought my "angst" was "annoying", so.
Intense/unstable relationships, in a way maybe, but if I imagine intense/unstable I imagine it would be much more so than mine have been. Like I said, I'm not very dramatic, but my insecurities can lead to some drama.
The way I feel about people can indeed change fast. It changes very fast if they do something wrong, and I never forget. But I can also grow out of love, or grow to dislike people without quite knowing why. Or it's because they ask stupid questions like "what's up", "how are you" and "what are you doing" all the time - this drives me insane.
I had problems with drinking mainly because it helped me socialise, then some depressive drinking until I stopped.
I cut myself only as a kid/teenager (11-14), what I remember of that is that I had a lot of bad feelings I did not know how to deal with, and when I cut myself it calmed me down. I know a few times it was directly caused by family fights (mostly my father and brother, mostly verbal) but I think it was more often more about mood. I have a hard time remembering.
My adult relationship philosophy is basically that if someone gives me reason to feel insecure in a relationship, then I should not be in it. If I ever got married, my vows would read "I promise to tell you if I ever want out for some reason" (I don't believe we can know/promise that love is forever, and I think the pressure of having to promise each other forever is damaging and limiting). If someone would cheat, it is over. If someone doesn't like me then I don't want to be with them. I would not be clingy or desperate. The only thing that bothers me is misunderstandings, and it can take time for me to warm up to someone, so it can feel like someone rushes and misses an opportunity (if I feel we would be compatible).
Same for me, went to therapy at a desperate time, and there was a lot of confusion and I was more suspicious about people and the world around me than usual, because of rising depression, anxiety and isolation.
Ugh, it isn't easy being in our seat, pegasus.
I'm still so worried that I'll have to hear something like "but you don't know everything about trains and you don't know how to build an engine". Are you male or female or other? I know more females are diagnosed and misdiagnosed with BPD. With some stories I've heard it seems to just be the go-to if someone ever cut themself.
Hi, I'm also new here. I'm not sure how much use I'll be as I have a borderline diagnosis but have always thought I was misdiagnosed, and am now waiting for an autism assessment.
There's a couple of the borderline traits that describe me perfectly around self-harm and strong emotional reactions to situations, and is why I think I was given the diagnosis (I asked the psychiatrist but she wouldn't elaborate on the reasons for the diagnosis). But the diagnostic criteria for borderline are around matching a range of the traits (though doesn't have to be all). The other thing I found was that when I was diagnosed a few years back, it was when my mental health was at its worst and had been in a psych ward for a couple of months. But that's not necessarily a great time to diagnose personality disorders, as the idea is that the traits are always there, not just at particular times. I 'm not sure that borderline was particularly accurate when I was at my worst mental health wise, but from the reading about it I've done, the descriptions of it overall and the particular traits don't relate to my everyday experiences or difficulties.
Borderline is also complicated by all the traits overlapping with various other conditions, so fitting a particular trait still means it could be something else.
So yeah, if wondering about borderline-type traits it might be useful thinking about how often they cause issues for you. Thinking about particular instances where your behaviour has been most borderline-like is less relevant if it's only occasionally an issue or not many traits.
I'm hardly qualified to judge (and am still waiting for an autism assessment myself), but what you've described covers quite a narrow range of borderline-like traits so perhaps asd might be a better fit.
I've found myself obsessed with people before (often actors when I was younger). I'd research them in great detail until I almost felt like I knew them personally.
Ooh, I've never tried bamboo socks. I love the feel of cashmere - I've never bought it because of the price, but maybe I should treat myself sometime.
My Mum and I both get obsessed with people. For me it's usually comedians. I watch every video, read every interview, strongly feel like if we met we'd be friends. And then they inevitably do or say something that I perceive as "bad" (against my ethics) and then I feel real sadness like I've lost an actual friend.
Everything you write here is screaming autistic to me.
Thanks for your reply Dave.
Analytical is how people tend to describe me (/over-analytical). Like sometimes I feel under attack if my mom says "just stop over-analysing everything" because that is such a big part of who I am. And then I'll rant about how the world would be a damn mess if nobody "over-analysed".
I don't know if the process I am in now will/can lead to an actual diagnosis or if I would be referred to someone else. I have had six therapists/psychiatrists this year, so I'm pretty exhausted with that. But reading about asd and other peoples coping methods etc has already been good for me. Can't deny I have a lot in common with this group. And it does help to not feel alone.
I love writing and gathering information and stories and working out ways to express them. I also paint and make video projects. I have insecurities about all the above but would like to keep doing these things.
My ideal job would be one I could do from home and on my own time, money isn't important, beyond that I would like to get off unemployment benefits and be able to take care of myself and hopefully a dog. Do we have private messaging here? Wanna tell me more about your terrible story?
I had big problems with socks... My feet would be cold but sweaty all the time, really uncomfortable. What I found to be the best for me are bamboo socks. As for sweaters, I have two cashmere ones that I wear a lot. They don't make me sweat and they don't itch. Of course they are more expensive than synthetic ones but I think the high quality pays off, I also don't need to wash them often since they don't make me sweat.
The first thing I do when I get home is get straight into a bath, then change into something soft and comfortable. Sometimes I just have to go to bed for a while after that. Maybe it should - I don't have a problem with soft, breathable fabrics... everything else (particularly work clothes and denim) feels awful.
This is really interesting. I too am realising I can't wear synthetic fabrics without sweating and itching a lot and I also think they make me tired. Maybe one of the suggested coping mechanisms for people on the Autistic spectrum should be to wear only 100% cotton, linen and other natural fabrics?
Welcome to the forum.
The way you describe yourself suggests to me that autism would explain your situation better than a personality disorder (though it is possible to be diagnosed with both, and I'm not a professional). As you say, the obsessiveness about a particular person is the only aspect which really rings true for BPD; however, this can be an autistic trait too, either because our social deficits make us especially sensitive or over-enthusiastic when we do make a connection with someone, or because our admiration for a person becomes a kind of autistic "special interest" (in the same way that another autistic person might have a very deep interest in any other subject).
I would also add that, especially for autistic females, personality disorders seem to be quite a common misdiagnosis when the clinician doesn't understand autism very well, or if they misinterpret social masking - I know personally two autistic people who were initially misdiagnosed with BPD in this way. Our reactions to overwhelming sensory or emotional experiences can easily be seen as histrionics (driven by the desire to manipulate) rather than the uncontrollable "fight or flight (or flop or fawn)" response that they really are. You certainly seem to have the kind of sensory sensitivities which could lead to this kind of reaction, and the way that you describe "zoning out" in arguments with your ex seems to point more to an overload response, I think.
Synaesthesia, prosopagnosia, aphantasia, and other related perceptual phenomena also seem to be very common for autistic people - IMHO, closely related to the better known sensory sensitivities and sensory processing aspects of autism (I am visually aphantasic, have slight audio-visual to somatosensory synaesthesia, and persistent visual snow and geometric hallucinations myself.)
It is a shame that the deficit model of autism still prevails. For an explanation of the history of this stigmatising discourse and an opposing account, see the following talk by Steve Silberman at an autism event in Dublin last weekend. His Talk starts at 2:26:20
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=4mMKsHIvG5Q&app=desktop
Being able to speak your native language backwards sounds pretty damn cool to me.
An extremely detailed self reflection/analysis which certainly fits with asd .
The major thing will be deciding how to live your life with this. Your analytical mind and journalistic economics skills sounds like a good potential to me for financial journalism or similar.
The diagnostic process as you realise is not exact and you need to think how best to manage it.
This website has interesting stuff and maybe you could help me write something about my terrible story of life as an autistic doctor with a psychological interest?
I can relate to a lot of what you're saying (I don't have a borderline diagnosis, but I am awaiting an autism assessment). I was exactly the same with dogs - I had lots of books about them, memorised the breeds, and had plastic animal toys that I'd line up and walk around the house, step by step, for hours at a time. I still read my dog breed books regularly, and I've found that trying to learn more about autism has become a special interest over the last year or so.
I'm also very sensitive to hormonal and diet changes, there are certain fabrics I can't bear to wear (sweating is a problem for me too, plus my skin gets itchy), and I struggle to regulate my body temperature (particularly if I go from a cold environment to a warm one, and vice versa).
I'm no medical professional, but it sounds like you have plenty of evidence to constitute a referral for an autism assessment.
Thank you for your response and the link Graham. I will bring all this information to my next session and see where we go from there. Feels like the amount of research papers I bring to therapy is an obvious trait as well.
It's a struggle that my parents reaction to the idea of me being on the spectrum initially was "no way". I showed them a video by Tony Attwood, about how autism is different in girls/women. But I think they are not taking it very seriously, and see the whole spectrum as having to be more severe/disabling - I've been able to cope pretty well, sometimes good.
It's hard to explain things that I've worked all my life to hide, or things that are only in my head. Like I always divided letters into segments of 3, like go through a sentence and just think 3 letters at a time, and add words so I end on a full 3. And I can speak my native language backwards. It's useless but I learned it really young. If I ever go to a party again, I guess it is an okay party trick.
I am not a medical professional but going by the description of your autobiographical details and traits, you sound pretty full on autistic to me.
I have synaesthesia (sound to colour/shape). 18.9% of the autistic community has synaesthesia, compared to 7.2% of non-autistic individuals.
Prosopagnosia is also more common in the autistic community than among non-autistics.
The ASQ is thought to have a male bias, so females will generally score lower.
Smoking dope and/or drinking is quite a common coping strategy among autistic people.
You may be interested in this article and video entitled, “The women who don’t know they’re autistic”.
As I said I’m not a medical professional, but your post does read like a classic account of autism.
All the best, Graham.