Published on 12, July, 2020
Another contradiction that I'm battling with:
I'm 95% deliriously happy to realise that I've never understood friendship, don't particularly need friends, love solitude & peace & quiet, & I'm relieved that people are leaving me alone, especially at work. But 5% of me feels that I'm now in solitary confinement and that this can't be a good thing in excess - but as soon as I meet someone I wish I hadn't and can feel the exhaustion building.
I was asked in my ADOS if I ever get lonely & I said no, but sometimes I thing that asking me if I ever get lonely is like asking a fish if it ever gets tired wings; the apparatus for processing the question simply isn't there.
I have a slightly different contradiction - I have a few people I would like to see more often, but when they ask I'm always busy with my own things, and I know if I change my plans I won't enjoy it because I'll just spend the whole time thinking about what I could be doing on my own.
I know that feeling! :-)
This kinda knocked me sideways - after so long thinking that no one feels the same way I do, it's really strange to hear someone able to relate - reassuring but... wow!
Exactly, and those people usually have more interesting things to say because they pay attention to whether you're engaging, so can change the subject if not. Then it's easier to stay focused on the conversation and not thinking of better uses for your time. The down side being that they are more difficult to connect with initially as they're less likely to introduce themselves...