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The Friends Contradiction

I'm done with Christmas Cards

Another contradiction that I'm battling with:

I'm 95% deliriously happy to realise that I've never understood friendship, don't particularly need friends, love solitude & peace & quiet, & I'm relieved that people are leaving me alone, especially at work. But 5% of me feels that I'm now in solitary confinement and that this can't be a good thing in excess - but as soon as I meet someone I wish I hadn't and can feel the exhaustion building.

I was asked in my ADOS if I ever get lonely & I said no, but sometimes I thing that asking me if I ever get lonely is like asking a fish if it ever gets tired wings; the apparatus for processing the question simply isn't there.

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  • in reply to SallySeahorse

    Oh, that is so familiar! I have forced myself to go to many social occasions, only to find that following the conversation is even harder than usual because I haven't crossed the t's and dotted the i's in some "special interest" project or other, or have an intense feeling that it's not right that the day doesn't match my expectations for it.

    Especially as I've gotten older, another related problem has become more prevalent, too. My, now middle-aged, friends don't have the time for socialising that they used to have, so very often the only time they can make is for special occasions of one kind or another - i.e. the kind that involve a whole circle of friends getting together at once in an environment which I'll find overwhelming, such as a pub or restaurant. I feel as if I'm being rude and selfish if I don't attend, yet if I do, I can't honestly describe it as "socialising", as I'm constantly having to retreat into my shell to avoid becoming overloaded. I feel like I'm only really there in body, but not in mind, and may as well have sent a cardboard cutout in my place!