Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm already high anxiety after a hectic weekend and also embarrassed myself. Thought I'd do a few hours at the allotment today as it's my calming place.
A bit of background...when I started there, an elderly chap was struggling to tend his plot so I thought I'd help him. He took my kindness the wrong way so I had an 80 something year old say i had a nice bum? do i want a massage etc. Get in my space etc so I avoided him as much as i could.didnt talk to him. Hes still trying after months of avoidance.
I put a mesh fence around my plot to keep him out and my son and i and our dog were having a nice time quietly and our dog behaved. The old guy in question starts calling my dog, my dog runs across another persons plot! I grab him and ask the guy to please go away as my dog now wont settle.
He comes back same again, then asks do I want a cucumber. Then again do I want runner beans, flowers, potatoes, something I couldnt understand. Each time I say no please go away.
He then tells my son off for not helping me! I say hes now having to hold the dog on a short lead as you keep calling him please go away. Then hes back again do I want a hammer..no I'm using a mallet to put fence posts in....but he brings me a hammer anyway....my anxiety is reaching melting point. Please go away I'm not getting anything done....hes back, do I want my strimmer taken apart!! Then picks it up! I snatch it away saying please just leave me alone! I cant be clearer. I'm almost at meltdown....I have to pack up tools etc before I leave though. So this time we sit behind tall sunflowers as we see him approaching. Hes yelling my name, I'm trying hard not to cry. Hes there for 5 minutes then goes to his car. My son says hes looking st us from his car window. I look hes sat there with what may be binoculars. 10 mins later he leaves
I'm now more stressed than ever. I got to my room and cried, even my wedding bands now annoying me, I cant talk, when I talk to my son the wrong words come out.
I dont know what to do. He has a wife and family at home so hes not lonely. another plot holder turned up bit later but he bugs me.
I'm now so tired. I started getting anxious about it all over agagain.
He may be senile but hes causing me to get overwhelmed. I'm trying so hard to not meltdown. His wife wont listen she makes excuses for him. I dont know what I can do
If the allotments are through the local council, contact them and report the harrassment to them, they may well warn him to leave you alone or lose his allotment. that might work.
What I've noticed is autistics tend to worry about not behaving in a socially acceptable way and due to this stop trusting their gut instinct and let people treat them in a way that causes distress for far too long, then rather than addressing the issue in a healthy way they explode.
If i were you I'd:
1. Start a diary noting down what he does, how this makes you feel, what you did to resolve the issue
2. Write a letter or speak to the man in question explaining why you have an allotment (quiet time), how his behaviour makes you feel and clearly stating what you'd like him to do e.g a polite hello if you see each other but not to engage in conversation
3. if the behaviour doesn't change within a short time frame follow the allotments official complaints process. For example, write a formal letter of complaint about this man to the people who rent out the allotments. It would probably help to have this read over by numerous independent people first to ensure you are getting you distress across in a way that is precise and can be clearly understood by whats likely to be a predominant NT committee.
4. Raise the complaint further if you're not happy with the response
5. Ring the police if this man's behaviour put you in danger e.g rather than wanting your attention he tries to touch you
I've been shocked by the responses on these threads as although I can understand the distress being experienced, it comes across as though the 'harassers/bullies etc' have their own challenges and need support, as well as clear boundaries setting. Instead, of learning assertiveness skills when needed and showing compassion our community is instead turning on these individuals and talking about them in a derogatory way like the people who cant understand our needs often do to us.
Although he has a wife and son at home that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't lonely, especially as he clearly has communication issues of his own. I live with my OH but now I'm on maternity leave I'm incredibly lonely and crave social interaction. Due to this, I now stop and make idle chit chat in the street although I used to avoid this as much as possible when in work.