My calming space invaded

What I've noticed is autistics tend to worry about not behaving in a socially acceptable way and due to this stop trusting their gut instinct and let people treat them in a way that causes distress for far too long, then rather than addressing the issue in a healthy way they explode.

If i were you I'd:

1. Start a diary noting down what he does, how this makes you feel, what you did to resolve the issue

2. Write a letter or speak to the man in question explaining why you have an allotment (quiet time), how his behaviour makes you feel and clearly stating what you'd like him to do e.g a polite hello if you see each other but not to engage in conversation

3. if the behaviour doesn't change within a short time frame follow the allotments official complaints process. For example, write a formal letter of complaint about this man to the people who rent out the allotments. It would probably help to have this read over by numerous independent people first to ensure you are getting you distress across in a way that is precise and can be clearly understood by whats likely to be a predominant NT committee.

4. Raise the complaint further if you're not happy with the response

5. Ring the police if this man's behaviour put you in danger e.g rather than wanting your attention he tries to touch you

I've been shocked by the responses on these threads as although I can understand the distress being experienced, it comes across as though the 'harassers/bullies etc' have their own challenges and need support, as well as clear boundaries setting. Instead, of learning assertiveness skills when needed and showing compassion our community is instead turning on these individuals and talking about them in a derogatory way like the people who cant understand our needs often do to us.

Although he has a wife and son at home that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't lonely, especially as he clearly has communication issues of his own. I live with my OH but now I'm on maternity leave I'm incredibly lonely and crave social interaction. Due to this, I now stop and make idle chit chat in the street although I used to avoid this as much as possible when in work.

If the allotments are through the local council, contact them and report the harrassment to them, they may well warn him to leave you alone or lose his allotment. that might work.

Dirty old git!  Probably considered very old fashioned nowadays, but where I come from we'd have a relative or friend of substantial size/assertiveness give him a stern talking to.  Not to be presumptuous, but is this maybe something your husband could help with?  As others have said, he's picking on you because he thinks you're a soft target.  Perhaps if you hubby were to accompany you to the allotment and the old horn dog sees you have people around you he'll think twice.

That would drive me crazy also. I need to garden. This last neigbhbour I'm ashamed to say used to knock and knock until I answered. Bought her husband and 3 kids round for dinner everyday so I would go without. Eat my food and I found her in my house where she shouldnt have been. If my car was there and I didnt answer she stood outside my house for ages. I was the end house so had to walk past hers to get home:( I cant work out why I was so unable to get out of it. I'd be at meltdown when she left. 

Sorry I just read this and chuckled at the last sentence! I now have this image in my head of this woman, stalking the neighbourhood, attempting to distract gardeners with idle gossip! Maybe she wanted to make sure that everyone else's garden looked as bad as hers? :-)

No worries! I also need a few hours or longer to think stuff through and get it straight in my head. Good luck with getting it sorted!

I'm not trying to hijack your thread but I will give you more specific details of our neighbour problem.

We lived in a corner house with a large garden.  My calm space was relaxing while calmly cutting the lawn.  My mother was the flower expert and we spent a small fortune buying plants and vegetables from garden centres.

So we are quietly gardening and this neighbour turns up at the gate or a gap between the shrubs and hedges, shouting her favourite words, 'HELLO!',  'EXCUSE ME!'  And she won't leave until she gets our attention and then it's the start of a marathon gossiping session. She wants to know all about us and our extended family.  A combination of VERY strong eye contact and hypnotic voice prevented me from ending the conversation.  A day, two or three days later she catches us in the garden again and again and it ends in the same marathon gossiping session.  By the time she leaves I'm in a state of total mental exhaustion and the gardening is left unfinished. 

One autumn day we were busy doing our autumn clearing,  she walked into our garden without invitation,  smiling,  praising our garden and asking for plants, she wanted this, that  she must have these etc etc etc.  We spent the whole afternoon digging plants just to give to her, to get rid of her.  And the work we wanted to do was left undone.  This happened several times over the next decade.

One day I visited the nearby cul-de-sac where she lived.  And saw her garden.  She only had a few light flowers,  otherwise her garden was empty and in a state of total neglect.  This woman never did any gardening or planted anything or dug soil up in years.  She must have thrown away the plants the plants we gave her.

She just spent her days walking up and down the street engaging people in gossip and trying to preventing them from gardening.

I too had a neighbour like this! I moved to get away from her

Good luck I hope things get better.

I understand very well the concept of a calming place.    And how good gardening can be good for both mental and physical relaxation and health.  And we had problems with a neighbour who came round when she wasn't welcome.  And kept coming round making our lives a living hell.

I handled the situation badly.  Instead of confronting her, we discovered an easy way of avoiding her.  The confrontation came with her coming round in a real temper, ranting and raving, demanding to know how we were avoiding her.

This complex drama dragged on for almost twenty years.

Really sorry to hear you're in this difficult situation. I like Kitsun's advice and hope it works out.

Have a nice day - hope you get some peace & quiet. 

Wish me luck today. I'm going up there shortly. It's in need of alot of work before I can grow properly but I like that as I'm designing it as well as clearing.ot just means I'm up there alot

I think I'd try polite and blunt mixed together - something like:

"Thank you for all your offers of help - but you're creeping me out - and if you don't leave me alone I'll be calling the police - DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"     Including a 'Paddington Stare' might help.

If that doesn't get the message across, you might have to talk to the police as he's clearly not getting the hint.

Thanks kitson your right. I need a few hours to think stuff over properly I'm not sure why. Always been like that. This morning I feel clearer and a little less stressed c

You’re welcome! It may be that these men realise your vulnerability and target you specifically because they think you are easy prey! It’s good that you are standing up for yourself but with your son involved too, just beware that you are not being too kind by not reporting this behaviour and leaving yourself in an unsafe situation. I don’t see any reason why the police wouldn’t take you seriously, especially given the man’s history with stealing knickers! You don’t need to change at all. But this man’s behaviour does need to change!

Thank you. 3 years ago I had another elderly man following me! He lived a cross the road. I only knew when someone pointed it out to me then sure enough I saw him watching me. He then yelled abuse at me and my son. He knows my inlaws they dint think I have asd they just fall me crazy and think they can do such things. My plan tomorrow is get tough. To tell go away simply as no doubt he will turn up. 

My husband says I'm too kind that's why I get these people. The other guy from 3 years ago, I got police involved as he targeted my son! I then found out he had previously been accused of rape! This other guy from today used to steal womens underwear off their lines! These facts only come out when I talk to people in our village. So drained. Why should I have to change to fit into such a rubbish world (crying sgain). Also dont want to keep going to police I'm scared i wont be taken seriously ! 

I'm so sorry to hear about this. This man is harassing you! If you've explicitly told him to go away and leave you alone on a number of occasions and he is still approaching you and pestering you with questions etc then this is harassment! 

When you say he is senile, do you mean that he has dementia? Is he safe to be tending to his allotment on his own? 

If he continues then you may have to call the police, for your own peace of mind. That way, either a stern talking to from the police will hopefully do the trick OR if his behaviour is due to Mental Health or Dementia then the police will be able to take him to the appropriate place. 

His wife may well make excuses for him but you should not have to continue to put up with this behaviour!

I hope that you recover from today's aggravation soon!