Published on 12, July, 2020
In March 2019, I was given a full diagnosis of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome). It did come as a shock to both me and my family. I'd always known that I was different to my friends and a bit quieter, but I legitimately thought that was OK. It now clearly wasn't. I started University last Autumn (don't want to reveal what/where I studied at) but after I received no support for my diagnosis and mental health, everything plummeted. Emails weren't getting answered quickly and when they were, it was always on the lines of "you're lazy, you've got no brains etc". I made the decision to stop going, the environment was toxic. Some of the students were nasty towards me, often blanking me out during group work sessions or leaving me out of events for no apparent reason. I live at home with my parents. For the past few months since the diagnosis, I've realised that I'm a huge failure. I have a lifelong disability and being the only family member with a disability, I've been too ashamed to open up to anyone about how I feel, since no-one can relate to me.
I finally told some family about my diagnosis but they reacted negatively. Calling me once again "lazy" and "you didn't try hard enough." I haven't spoken to them and have even considered cutting them out of my life altogether. I have a boyfriend and been together for nearly two years. He was shocked by my diagnosis, but is still with me. I've told him all the time that I'm stupid, useless and that he should look for someone else. I've been trying to get help and support to come to terms with my diagnosis at age 20, but to no avail. Either long waiting lists, expensive private appointments or no replies to my messages. I literally have nothing left.
I'm fully convinced that I'm a total failure, the life that I truly wanted is now ruined. My education life has always been rocky from the start. This was my dream Uni and course, but I feel that I've been pushed away due to their lack of understanding. I'm generally paranoid to look for a job. Not because I don't want to, not because I'm trying to be lazy. I'M TOO ANXIOUS TOO. But I need the money. I do get some from a family member but that's not me doing it for myself.
I'm very depressed and basically, there's no hope left. I'm now in debt. Alone. Struggling. This forum posting here is a risk. I used to post on a different website but I got trolled, so here I am opening myself up again...
If someone/anyone can truly help me before this situation gets worse, I'll be eternally grateful.
Ally.
You're not lazy, you're diagnosis is affirmation that your brain is wired differently to neurotypicals. I can understand you are feeling unsettled and disappointed by your diagnosis but it's actually amazing that you've got the diagnosis because living undiagnosed is really hard! When you feel able, I'd recommend researching into ASD to better understand it. Living with autism even with a diagnosis isn't easy I know, there are disadvantages but that's why we have the Equality Act. Workplaces and Educational institutions have a duty of care towards all their employees/students. If you feel that you are being treated differently because of your disability, then this is wrong, it's important to understand that it's not you that's wrong, it's them. Unfortunately, society still lacks awareness and understanding about ASD which is why there isn't an awful lot of support...
I'd recommend subscribing to Daniel M. Jones you tube channel The Aspie World. His channel is really informative and relatable.
There is also Atypical on Netflix which is a great comedy about a boy on the spectrum.
And if you enjoy a good read, look at The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time by Mark Haddon.
It's quite hard finding information or support for autistic adults because the focus is generally on children so I'd maybe start with the above to help you feel a bit lighter and accept your diagnosis. I think it's great that people have made suggestions for you like CBT and support groups which are available but I'm wondering if these may be a little much for you right now? Perhaps start small so you can build your confidence first. It takes time getting comfortable with the 'label' and I know you are probably questioning your identity. It's important to know that autistic people will learn and process differently to neurotypicals so don't beat yourself up about uni. You'll study again, in the right way for you and at the right time. Be patient and accepting of yourself. Every autistic person is different and copes differently so don't compare yourself to others on the spectrum because you won't find any answers there. Please remember this.
I hope you get the support you deserve.
Roisin
Hi Roisin, thanks so much for replying! Life was so rough for me before my diagnosis anyway. I used to get bullied a lot, made fun of because I never wear make-up or wouldn't go shopping for expensive clothes. I liked to keep myself to myself and today as an adult, I haven't changed that much. I am thinking about threatening my old Uni with legal action if the situation escalates further. It's hard when messages and emails go unanswered and face to face meetings end with little understanding and sympathy for what's been happening. I'll definitely check out all of the suggestions you've made, I do love my Netflix.