Newly Diagnosed, My Life Is Ruined!

In March 2019, I was given a full diagnosis of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome). It did come as a shock to both me and my family. I'd always known that I was different to my friends and a bit quieter, but I legitimately thought that was OK. It now clearly wasn't. I started University last Autumn (don't want to reveal what/where I studied at) but after I received no support for my diagnosis and mental health, everything plummeted. Emails weren't getting answered quickly and when they were, it was always on the lines of "you're lazy, you've got no brains etc". I made the decision to stop going, the environment was toxic. Some of the students were nasty towards me, often blanking me out during group work sessions or leaving me out of events for no apparent reason. I live at home with my parents. For the past few months since the diagnosis, I've realised that I'm a huge failure. I have a lifelong disability and being the only family member with a disability, I've been too ashamed to open up to anyone about how I feel, since no-one can relate to me.

I finally told some family about my diagnosis but they reacted negatively. Calling me once again "lazy" and "you didn't try hard enough." I haven't spoken to them and have even considered cutting them out of my life altogether. I have a boyfriend and been together for nearly two years. He was shocked by my diagnosis, but is still with me. I've told him all the time that I'm stupid, useless and that he should look for someone else. I've been trying to get help and support to come to terms with my diagnosis at age 20, but to no avail. Either long waiting lists, expensive private appointments or no replies to my messages. I literally have nothing left.

I'm fully convinced that I'm a total failure, the life that I truly wanted is now ruined. My education life has always been rocky from the start. This was my dream Uni and course, but I feel that I've been pushed away due to their lack of understanding. I'm generally paranoid to look for a job. Not because I don't want to, not because I'm trying to be lazy. I'M TOO ANXIOUS TOO. But I need the money. I do get some from a family member but that's not me doing it for myself.

I'm very depressed and basically, there's no hope left. I'm now in debt. Alone. Struggling. This forum posting here is a risk. I used to post on a different website but I got trolled, so here I am opening myself up again...

If someone/anyone can truly help me before this situation gets worse, I'll be eternally grateful. 

Ally.

  • Do get in the housing queue. I'd say your diagnosis would definitely get you points. You might be surprised....

  • I've had numerous meetings with them, but nothing productive was sorted at the time. Everyone on the team is aware of my situation but refused to help. 

  • I wish that close family were more understanding, but they all have their own personal struggles going on. Since they can't really relate to my autism, I don't feel they do understand me much, which hurts.

    I've tried sending more emails but the Uni academic year has ended and most likely nothing would be done until September. I'll try going back to the GP when the time is right. 

  • I've looked into social housing, but in my home city, there's a waiting list of over 400+ people looking for a property. 

    I'm due to go on holiday for my birthday, so right now, I sadly can't stay with another family member. Most of them, I don't talk to much anymore since my diagnosis. 

    Sadly, the Uni academic year has finished, so I can't really do anything until September at the latest. I agree, everything right now for me and my life is s**t.

  • You should go for the benefits. There is no shame in taking what you are entitled to. It could be your key to independence. You should also look into getting social housing rather than running away from home to... What? Park bench? Don't  do it.

    If you have friend or family you can go to for a short break away with safety do that.

    See your GP about your low mood otherwise it won't be in your file. He might offer something to help. Make sure your autism diagnosis is in file too.

    And I really think you should complain about how your uni is treating you. They are rubbish. Make a list and go to the students union to start with.

    Sorry that life is treating you so badly. Guess you are learning early how sh!t things can be sometimes. 

  • Also your University has a duty of care, but you need to speak to the mental health service at your University. ASAP and explain everything otherwise they can't help you!! 

  • I think you effectively need to be "signed off" by your GP and then you take time out of your studies, due to ill health. Our son passed his first year at Durham (just) but left before Christmas of the second term (just couldn't live in a shared house). He approached his Tutor and University Mental Health Service and they "suspended" his studies. He started working part time this past February and has been seeing Councillor. He now has statements from the Councillor and a personal statement which he took to his GP. She has also written a statement that our son is fit to return to studies. This gets sent to the University and they now want a face to face to dicuss whether he can re-start the second year and what support he will need (you get a grant of about £2.5K that the University uses to supply you with extra help - although he didn't get any in his first year!!). The interview can be done via Skype but our son wants to travel up in person. 

    So you need to see a GP, contact the University mental health services, department secretary and tutors to explain everything and take it from there. You will need help (maybe medication for stress) in order to consider part time work. Your family should be more understanding, especially as you have been officially diagnosed?? 

  • Hi, so am I to be honest, considering this was my dream course and everything. I have emailed all of the avenues that have been open to me but to no avail. Anxiety is a nightmare!

  • I have emailed them multiple times, every time I was always given a different answer to before. I do feel like my family are marching me because they are fed up with me in general not doing anything (even though I've told them that I haven't become a druggie or an alcoholic.) I know benefits are out there, but I'm trying to avoid them if I can, unless in a case of an extreme serious emergency.  

  • Hi, I'm shocked at the lack of support from the university. I work at one ( it's doing my head in but that's another story) and there's support such as a learning contract for people like us and there's a dedicated team for disabled support.. There's a student support advisor the students can book appointments with and a wellness team. Just wondering if you've explored all avenues that might be available at the one you're at unless you've you've formally withdrawn.

    I can relate to the anxiety and low self worth, crowds (other people basically) and other things I won't bore you with. Wish I had the answer to that!

  • ANOTHER UPDATE- I met with my old social worker the week just gone, and she advised me not to contact my Uni. Apparently since I haven't enrolled for second year, nor taken out any loans, they will remove my name automatically

     Email your course administrator  to review your options.  Just to check that you won't jeopardise future applications and funding if you withdraw. 

    Without work you should claim benefits even if you feel you are temporarily unfit for work. Your family could help you rather than 'march you' - perhaps thats what they are trying to do?

    See the .gov websites for info about benefits.

    It's hard to care when you are in crisis I  know, but maybe  just trying will keep you from sinking any deeper.

    Good luck.

  • ANOTHER UPDATE- I met with my old social worker the week just gone, and she advised me not to contact my Uni. Apparently since I haven't enrolled for second year, nor taken out any loans, they will remove my name automatically. This was news to me and so, I've taken that move to ignore them completely. She is trying to get hold of an autistic adults group in my home city, but couldn't get through to their office on the phone first time round. Will follow-up with her soon over whether a second attempt would be possible. In the mean time, my mental health is still suffering badly. My family have told me that if I don't find something full-time/part-time soon, they will march me to the city job centre and make me sign on. I'm already demoralised as it is. It's hard because I used to have really good relationships with family members, now I don't since my diagnosis. I realistically believe that no-one understands what I'm going through, since no one in the family has ASD. I still need advice, as I'm considering running away from home if I don't find the help I need soon!  

  • Just to update everyone on the current situation at hand. I've still had no correspondence from my old Uni in question, no replies to any of my emails and no one available on the phone to speak to. I still haven't been given any explanations as to why I wasn't helped to finish my work for the first year, yet alone give me any kind of opportunity to meet and discuss how to fix issues with someone. More members of my family have been told and the reaction has been pretty much the same 'you didn't try hard enough' reaction. As of right now, i'm doing very badly mental health wise. I've lost all interest in hobbies, my sleeping has been a nightmare, I'm no longer able to wake up when I need to get up. The GP hasn't worked either, the waiting lists are far too long and I can't afford to go private (unless I fund-raise money for that) which sounds really childish to do so. I'm also meant to be doing some very important jobs for some close family friends, but have been feeling far too overwhelmed about it. So yeah, my life is pretty much ruined.

  • Just accepted your request!

  • Yep, me either re the site! I will attempt to work out how to friend request you! See if anything pops up...

  • I had no idea about that! When I asked about funding and support, I was told that I wouldn't be entitled to anything other than a round of tests which wouldn't guarantee the software I needed, nor a mentor either. I haven't been able to finish my first year and up until now, no-one has followed up with me about carrying on the course. So, I've just pushed it away and walked off to be honest. Due to my mental stability, I haven't been able to hold down a paid employment role. Only volunteering but that hasn't been recently.  

  • Hi Roisin, thanks so much for replying! Life was so rough for me before my diagnosis anyway. I used to get bullied a lot, made fun of because I never wear make-up or wouldn't go shopping for expensive clothes. I liked to keep myself to myself and today as an adult, I haven't changed that much. I am thinking about threatening my old Uni with legal action if the situation escalates further. It's hard when messages and emails go unanswered and face to face meetings end with little understanding and sympathy for what's been happening. I'll definitely check out all of the suggestions you've made, I do love my Netflix.  

  • That's part of the problem. My family members close to me live all far away. Sometimes, I'm too scared to reach out to them so my parents do. But then, family members get the impression that I'm very lazy. It's hard when you are the only person in the family with a disability. 

  • Hi! I've looked into apprenticeships in my area but sadly I'm either too old, too far away or would have to go back to college and re-train first (since I'm over 19+, I can't afford the costs for that). I'm still looking and hoping that something does come up. I'm currently £11,000 in debt after this Uni experience.

  • Teachers on my old Access to HE course and members of my family, I won't say who because I don't want to get found out for posting this thread here. It's been an awful experience with my Uni. I'm still new to this site, so have no idea how everything works haha.