Husband wants to isolate

The use of past tense sounds positive.

. said:

My ASC means that I am not always able to articulate my needs and wants, at times when I do they are not picked up on as I tentatively express and am not always direct enough for fear of offending or quickly give up and negate myself if what I have expressed is not immediately understood... or I feel I am not of sufficient worth to be considered anyhow.

I got stuck in that trap. 

ASD peeps have to make up their mind whether it's easier having space but coping with loneliness or having emotional support and coping with overload. NTs need to figure out whether their spouse's good qualities make it worth the effort of self-analysis and negotiating something that works for both

Very much agreed. I have always been in relationships where I feel that I have contributed a great deal in a practical way (having a job that enables the bills to be paid, being a domestic goddess (!) and mother, being able to be organised enough to facilitate and support others).  

I have been loyal and hardworking but, the compromise in that is that I need others to be mindful that the above takes its toll, and need consideration of that.

My ASC means that I am not always able to articulate my needs and wants, at times when I do they are not picked up on as I tentatively express and am not always direct enough for fear of offending or quickly give up and negate myself if what I have expressed is not immediately understood... or I feel I am not of sufficient worth to be considered anyhow.

As a result, you can probably guess what happens next... either self-isolation or burnout, or the internalisation of self with occasional externalisation of distress or frustration.

Yes, I kind of made a vow to myself 20 odd years ago after I first took the AQ and realised why I am as I am - that I would treat the needs of ND and NT partners or friends equally and try to beware of ASD becoming an excuse for questionable behaviour - that both individuals needed to adapt equally to make it work. I have to say, I'm ASD and managed to raise a child mostly single-handed with a little help from my friends whilst finishing postgrad then working to support us through thick and thin, ducking, weaving, alternating between freelance and PAYE as any particular job became unbearable, sometimes 'flaking' for a few months to recover - but picking up responsibilities somehow. The older I get, the harder it is as I have less and less energy - and the outside world is getting tougher and tougher to deal with. Still, if someone needs me I just get through it and flop in my 'woman cave' after the 'all-clear' has sounded to withdraw and recover. I suspect men have less exigency laid upon them to just bloody cope and have to find it within their characters or upbringing to step up. Then again, if one has got married in good faith to an NT without knowing that one is ASD then it's likely to be a stressful, frustrating and baffling experience to all concerned. It definitely has to be a two-way negotiation of needs in the clear light of understanding what being ND or NT entails - and ASD peeps have to make up their mind whether it's easier having space but coping with loneliness or having emotional support and coping with overload. NTs need to figure out whether their spouse's good qualities make it worth the effort of self-analysis and negotiating something that works for both - and maybe letting go of some of the 'normal' expectations of an 'adult' lifestyle - or whether they prefer taking on responsibility for both kids and household economy single-handed and just boot him/her out. A spouse is for life, not just for Christmas  

I find an inside lock on my 'woman cave' does the trick. I'm on my own now - which suits me in many ways - but in erstwhile family situation partner and kids would get p/o'd if they can't get my attention cos I've locked the door and put on ANC headphones with music (thus blocking out any other exterior sound) so the arrangement was they can text me if they *really* need to talk to me about something time-sensitive as the 'beep' comes through my headphones whilst I won't hear knocking and calling. I then also respond in text unless the house is on fire - or ignore it until later as non-time sensitive 'white noise'. The rest of the household is to consider me to have left the building if I'm in my cave with the door locked and to come and go as they find convenient for themselves without reference to me (I *really* don't want people sitting about waiting for me to rejoin the fray as I don't want to bend anyone else's life out of shape). I don't think this was entirely satisfactory for either side but 'good enough' to avoid anyone being massively put out. I was always miserably aware that this didn't really work for the other party and took away control for them - but unless they want me screaming at them instead, it's a workable solution. 

I do observe this to be a widespread issue with mixed NT/ND relationships - basically, it prevents the NT from living as they would like to in wraparound vague intimacy whilst also preventing the ND from having enough space. I'm not sure it works that well for either party and I don't think I'd want to get into another relationship with an NT honestly. It really seems to be deficit for one and surfeit for the other . . .

^^^^This, so, so much!

My wife has learned quite a lot about this.Recently we were cooking together and she needed to go to the loo. She said "Would you stir that for a bit?", started walking to the loo, stopped, came back, and then said "Forget that. Please stir that continuously until I return!".She knew that if she hadn't corrected herself, I would likely have given it a stir for 20 seconds, got bored and wandered off.

I'm going to suggest both... but I'm only newly diagnosed so I'm making my way up the learning curve myself!

I think in my past I relied on the 'pressure/anxiety-release' method i.e. reach 'critical' and need to go out and ride/run hard to burn off the stress, but I'm starting to understand that a healthier and more sustainable approach will be to understand what causes the pressure and find ways to handle it better in the first place.

Plus, for my wife's sanity she's needing to gain understanding of what it means to have ASD and be the partner of someone with ASD and the small ways she can change to make things easier for both of us - an example being to explicitly ask me to do something rather than do it obliquely a recent example:

Her: "Would you like to drive home?"

Me: "Not really..."

Her: <huffy> "I drove here... you know I don't like driving at night!"

Me: "Did you mean "Will you drive home please? I don't like driving at night"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "Of course... why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Her: "..."

Thansk Neekby. How would he address this long term? Is it a case of therapy or just making sure he takes more time out before it gets this bad? 

It's likely that he's masking hard all the time at work and isn't allowed/able to escape the sources of anxiety or display the traits... so all that gets bottled-up and then let out when he gets home (I'm speaking from experience) with you then feeling like his punchbag...

If that's the case then he needs to address that, which should mean less need to decompress when he comes home, less need to self-medicate to 'numb the pain' (drugs/booze etc.), less need to 'get away' from you and the kids.

It seems common that 'high functioning' people with ASD can 'get by' for years but the load gradually builds until some kind of breaking point is reached...

If nothing is done to address the root causes this will be a never-ending cycle...

Work is controlled stress - he knows what he's in for - and if he's good at it, it's a different kind of stress than dealing with the chaos of relationships & people.

It's going to be really hard for you to let go of all the anger within every time you see him and he might be seeing it all as too difficult to deal with - so he concentrates on what he can deal with in the instant - working.

He probably loves you - but there's so much tension that he has no way to sort out the huge mess that it's all become.

Are you able to off-load the kids for a weekend and indulge him in one of his hobbies somewhere - so he's preoccupied with the activity and maybe ask him how he would like things to be - get him to open up without getting angry or blowing up - this will be really hard for you.

Maybe get him to write it all down so he doesn't feel pressured into giving instant 'right' answers.  Ask him how he sees the long term  - what would be his ideal plan for the future.

Take all emotion out of it - treat it like planning a holiday.   Get him to solve the technical problem of how he wants to live - and then figure out a way where his needs are met equally to your own within that plan.  Again - keep the emotion out of it if you can - it will only frighten him away.

You might find that he's unable to approach you knowing the damage he's done - so you might need to tease it out of him.

You have to think of your needs too though. Would it be more difficult to have him in and out of your life all the time or to actually live apart without the uncertainty? What is going to make your life easier? 

It's difficult because if I say I think he's behaving like a child, or not taking responsibility, or trying to have his cake and eat it too, he will say I dont understand about ASD and sends me links about 'masking' and burn out. And I feel I'm left unable to argue with that... he's saying he doesn't have a choice and I need to be more understanding. But I've nothing to compare it to, and whether this is usual behaviour for someone with ASD if they have been masking for years and everything finally got too much for them? 

I think his mum likes that he's home. She dotes on him. He says he doesn't like this, but I don't think they are anti him being there. It probably is enabling him, but he would just have moved into the other house sooner or rented somewhere I think. I think they are worried if he comes back home he might go back on the drugs. 

I understand it has been hard for him to give up drugs, and it's taking some time to adjust. But he's been gone since March and I don't understand why he doesn't want me to help him, at home... but is that because he has ASD, he wouldn't want my support? 

He would also say he holds down a very high pressured job and brings in money and that shows he's responsible. But I can never understand why its always me and the children he runs away from, never work. 

It'll be different for each aspie/autie... some might be fine with being in a room with other people elsewhere in the house, others might also need noice-cancelling headphones, others might need to get outside away from people, cars everything.

It'll depend on their particular sensitivities, which are commonly sound, touch, smell, light...

It's also about 'sensory overload' - imagine a glass full to the brim with water... until it's about to spill over and it's only the surface tension that's stopping it... the slightest drop more of liquid, or the addition of a small stone or maybe even only a passing breeze would cause it to 'spill over'... that's what it feels like when you run out of spoons and need to decompress/recover.

So yes, just being aware of people in the house could be too much - particularly children if noise is an issue (high-pitched shrieking of children is like nails down a blackboard to me)

It's that same level of sensitivity which has lead to me ruining many a brand-new shirt by clumsily cutting the label out of the neck because the feel of it on my neck is unbearable...

If I said he could get a lock for the door, do you think that would help?

This might not come across as I mean it - but it sounds like he's still a child inside.   And he gets to be mothered wherever he goes and if he's being naughty doing drugs, he just hides from everyone - like an 8-year old.

It seems like he doesn't have the adult skills to deal with the responsibility of children so just flakes out when the going gets tough - expecting everyone else to just accept his unbelievably selfish behaviour.  

Unfortunately, everyone has been accepting it and it's been going on for so long that it's now his 'normal'.  Why would he change?

What do his parents say when he turns up on their doorstep?  They seem to be enabling his behaviours - or is the alternative that he just blows money on renting himself a drug den?

He seems to live the perfect life without any responsibility.

I have to admit I still feel on edge if there is someone else in the house. I suppose this relates to not knowing if they'll interrupt you. I can only feel relaxed if I am completely on my own in the house. 

You're welcome. I must say that the more I read what you're writing (especially your reply to Plastic below) the more I think that you have already been incredibly patient and tolerant & I think you should give yourself some recognition for that if you haven't already. I'm wondering if he has other issues going on as well as dealing with ASD & you've mentioned some already.

I can't say I understand either why he can live with his parents but not you & the kids. I get what he says about feeling people in the house even if he's in a room with the door locked - I have a similar experience.

Psychology and behaviour is complicated and changes over time as people evolve together.

I wouldn't worry *toooo* much about the kids, parents can often be away for extended periods (e.g. if someone is in the forces or works on oil rigs or something) I guess it's what's said about it and the vibes they pick up that are most important.

How about going for some counselling on your own? That might help you clarify how you want to handle it, and you'd be in control and taking positive steps rather than at the mercy of what he decides.

Thank you. I just worry about how disruptive this is for the children too. They don't understand why their dad keeps disappearing for months on end, and I don't know if he will ever choose to come back. I don't understand why he wants to stay with his parents, as ultimately there are still people there - but won't stay with us. I find the concept very hard to understand. I also don't understand why he doesn't fear losing me through this repeated behaviour. It makes me feel like he can't possibly love me if he's prepared to risk this just to go and play at being single for a few months every couple of years. And I resent the fact I have to keep everything going... I never can just disappear for a holiday or a month alone. I'd feel too guilty leaving the kids, and anyway, he wouldn't ever help with the childcare so it wouldn't be possible. 

We have thought about couples counselling but we had this in the past (before we found out about the ASD) and it didn't help, but we have discussed doing it again. He just has a specific person he wants us to see, and is terrible with organising anything so nothing is happening on that front. 

Thank you. I read the link you sent. 

Can I ask what would count as down time following all these social situations to make sure that the spoons have a chance to recover? Does it need to be time completely alone? In that example, what would the mum do about her children being in the house, would that mean she never gets down time? 

I'm struggling with understanding why my husband needs a whole house and cant just go and sit in the spare room for an evening. He even says that knowing I'm outside feels too smothering for him and he would rather I didn't know where he was when he had his days to isolate. Is that common with ASD?

The first time he left me after about a year of us dating (9 years ago) and we were living together so I had to go and stay with my parents and then found my own flat... he came back 6 months later saying he realised he loved me and wanted to be with me. Said he was sorry and it would never happen again. We didn't know about ASD back then. 

We then had quite a busy few years, weddings, babies etc. He left me when I was pregnant with my second baby, I had a toddler at home crying for his dad and I had severe morning sickness and was almost admitted into hospital because of the anxiety at being left I wasn't eating and then all the vomiting etc. I had a terrible time and thought he wouldn't come back. He says he resents me for making him feel bad about this as apparently I wasn't supportive enough of him - when quite frankly I was living every day vomiting, trying to avoid hospital and trying to care for a 2 year old and unable to cook or even move much. It was awful. So I greatly resent being told I wasn't doing enough for him. Here he went and rented a house for several months... I assume he was happy being away, he kept in touch to see our eldest but we very much lived like a divorced couple. He had him stay in his rental a few times a week and we did nothing together. I've since found out he was doing drugs at the time, but again he thinks this was due to his ASD. I believe he just found it easier to do drugs in another house... but maybe its a mix of the both. He came back this time but says he came back in order to see the baby be born and that he rushed back because of that. Although he's only told me that recently, at the time he said he wanted to come back and everything was fine again etc.

After the baby was born he stayed with us for 2 years, but was very distant, not really around and acting oddly. I found out about the drugs which he continued while back home and he went to rehab for a couple of months. Here is where he found out about the ASD and he thinks he has been taking drugs to escape. Now he is clean but living with his parents and doesn't want to come back for the reasons I've stated above. 

He is always self sufficient when he is away as he knows I will look after the kids, and he has a good job and lots of savings. He isn't acting particularly happy while he's away but I assume he must be since he's choosing this? So far he hasn't come back this time, but he is still messaging me... I think he feels guilt maybe at being away but not enough to come back... maybe he does want to end the relationship and can't bring himself to. Although I've asked him this and he says he still loves me but is burnt out from the relationship and needs space to think. He assures me its not to think about whether he wants the relationship, but can't tell me what it is he wants to think about.