Husband wants to isolate

^^^^This, so, so much!

My wife has learned quite a lot about this.Recently we were cooking together and she needed to go to the loo. She said "Would you stir that for a bit?", started walking to the loo, stopped, came back, and then said "Forget that. Please stir that continuously until I return!".She knew that if she hadn't corrected herself, I would likely have given it a stir for 20 seconds, got bored and wandered off.

I'm going to suggest both... but I'm only newly diagnosed so I'm making my way up the learning curve myself!

I think in my past I relied on the 'pressure/anxiety-release' method i.e. reach 'critical' and need to go out and ride/run hard to burn off the stress, but I'm starting to understand that a healthier and more sustainable approach will be to understand what causes the pressure and find ways to handle it better in the first place.

Plus, for my wife's sanity she's needing to gain understanding of what it means to have ASD and be the partner of someone with ASD and the small ways she can change to make things easier for both of us - an example being to explicitly ask me to do something rather than do it obliquely a recent example:

Her: "Would you like to drive home?"

Me: "Not really..."

Her: <huffy> "I drove here... you know I don't like driving at night!"

Me: "Did you mean "Will you drive home please? I don't like driving at night"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "Of course... why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Her: "..."

Thansk Neekby. How would he address this long term? Is it a case of therapy or just making sure he takes more time out before it gets this bad? 

It's likely that he's masking hard all the time at work and isn't allowed/able to escape the sources of anxiety or display the traits... so all that gets bottled-up and then let out when he gets home (I'm speaking from experience) with you then feeling like his punchbag...

If that's the case then he needs to address that, which should mean less need to decompress when he comes home, less need to self-medicate to 'numb the pain' (drugs/booze etc.), less need to 'get away' from you and the kids.

It seems common that 'high functioning' people with ASD can 'get by' for years but the load gradually builds until some kind of breaking point is reached...

If nothing is done to address the root causes this will be a never-ending cycle...

Work is controlled stress - he knows what he's in for - and if he's good at it, it's a different kind of stress than dealing with the chaos of relationships & people.

It's going to be really hard for you to let go of all the anger within every time you see him and he might be seeing it all as too difficult to deal with - so he concentrates on what he can deal with in the instant - working.

He probably loves you - but there's so much tension that he has no way to sort out the huge mess that it's all become.

Are you able to off-load the kids for a weekend and indulge him in one of his hobbies somewhere - so he's preoccupied with the activity and maybe ask him how he would like things to be - get him to open up without getting angry or blowing up - this will be really hard for you.

Maybe get him to write it all down so he doesn't feel pressured into giving instant 'right' answers.  Ask him how he sees the long term  - what would be his ideal plan for the future.

Take all emotion out of it - treat it like planning a holiday.   Get him to solve the technical problem of how he wants to live - and then figure out a way where his needs are met equally to your own within that plan.  Again - keep the emotion out of it if you can - it will only frighten him away.

You might find that he's unable to approach you knowing the damage he's done - so you might need to tease it out of him.

It's difficult because if I say I think he's behaving like a child, or not taking responsibility, or trying to have his cake and eat it too, he will say I dont understand about ASD and sends me links about 'masking' and burn out. And I feel I'm left unable to argue with that... he's saying he doesn't have a choice and I need to be more understanding. But I've nothing to compare it to, and whether this is usual behaviour for someone with ASD if they have been masking for years and everything finally got too much for them? 

I think his mum likes that he's home. She dotes on him. He says he doesn't like this, but I don't think they are anti him being there. It probably is enabling him, but he would just have moved into the other house sooner or rented somewhere I think. I think they are worried if he comes back home he might go back on the drugs. 

I understand it has been hard for him to give up drugs, and it's taking some time to adjust. But he's been gone since March and I don't understand why he doesn't want me to help him, at home... but is that because he has ASD, he wouldn't want my support? 

He would also say he holds down a very high pressured job and brings in money and that shows he's responsible. But I can never understand why its always me and the children he runs away from, never work. 

It'll be different for each aspie/autie... some might be fine with being in a room with other people elsewhere in the house, others might also need noice-cancelling headphones, others might need to get outside away from people, cars everything.

It'll depend on their particular sensitivities, which are commonly sound, touch, smell, light...

It's also about 'sensory overload' - imagine a glass full to the brim with water... until it's about to spill over and it's only the surface tension that's stopping it... the slightest drop more of liquid, or the addition of a small stone or maybe even only a passing breeze would cause it to 'spill over'... that's what it feels like when you run out of spoons and need to decompress/recover.

So yes, just being aware of people in the house could be too much - particularly children if noise is an issue (high-pitched shrieking of children is like nails down a blackboard to me)

It's that same level of sensitivity which has lead to me ruining many a brand-new shirt by clumsily cutting the label out of the neck because the feel of it on my neck is unbearable...

This might not come across as I mean it - but it sounds like he's still a child inside.   And he gets to be mothered wherever he goes and if he's being naughty doing drugs, he just hides from everyone - like an 8-year old.

It seems like he doesn't have the adult skills to deal with the responsibility of children so just flakes out when the going gets tough - expecting everyone else to just accept his unbelievably selfish behaviour.  

Unfortunately, everyone has been accepting it and it's been going on for so long that it's now his 'normal'.  Why would he change?

What do his parents say when he turns up on their doorstep?  They seem to be enabling his behaviours - or is the alternative that he just blows money on renting himself a drug den?

He seems to live the perfect life without any responsibility.

You're welcome. I must say that the more I read what you're writing (especially your reply to Plastic below) the more I think that you have already been incredibly patient and tolerant & I think you should give yourself some recognition for that if you haven't already. I'm wondering if he has other issues going on as well as dealing with ASD & you've mentioned some already.

I can't say I understand either why he can live with his parents but not you & the kids. I get what he says about feeling people in the house even if he's in a room with the door locked - I have a similar experience.

Psychology and behaviour is complicated and changes over time as people evolve together.

I wouldn't worry *toooo* much about the kids, parents can often be away for extended periods (e.g. if someone is in the forces or works on oil rigs or something) I guess it's what's said about it and the vibes they pick up that are most important.

How about going for some counselling on your own? That might help you clarify how you want to handle it, and you'd be in control and taking positive steps rather than at the mercy of what he decides.

Thank you. I just worry about how disruptive this is for the children too. They don't understand why their dad keeps disappearing for months on end, and I don't know if he will ever choose to come back. I don't understand why he wants to stay with his parents, as ultimately there are still people there - but won't stay with us. I find the concept very hard to understand. I also don't understand why he doesn't fear losing me through this repeated behaviour. It makes me feel like he can't possibly love me if he's prepared to risk this just to go and play at being single for a few months every couple of years. And I resent the fact I have to keep everything going... I never can just disappear for a holiday or a month alone. I'd feel too guilty leaving the kids, and anyway, he wouldn't ever help with the childcare so it wouldn't be possible. 

We have thought about couples counselling but we had this in the past (before we found out about the ASD) and it didn't help, but we have discussed doing it again. He just has a specific person he wants us to see, and is terrible with organising anything so nothing is happening on that front. 

Thank you. I read the link you sent. 

Can I ask what would count as down time following all these social situations to make sure that the spoons have a chance to recover? Does it need to be time completely alone? In that example, what would the mum do about her children being in the house, would that mean she never gets down time? 

I'm struggling with understanding why my husband needs a whole house and cant just go and sit in the spare room for an evening. He even says that knowing I'm outside feels too smothering for him and he would rather I didn't know where he was when he had his days to isolate. Is that common with ASD?

The first time he left me after about a year of us dating (9 years ago) and we were living together so I had to go and stay with my parents and then found my own flat... he came back 6 months later saying he realised he loved me and wanted to be with me. Said he was sorry and it would never happen again. We didn't know about ASD back then. 

We then had quite a busy few years, weddings, babies etc. He left me when I was pregnant with my second baby, I had a toddler at home crying for his dad and I had severe morning sickness and was almost admitted into hospital because of the anxiety at being left I wasn't eating and then all the vomiting etc. I had a terrible time and thought he wouldn't come back. He says he resents me for making him feel bad about this as apparently I wasn't supportive enough of him - when quite frankly I was living every day vomiting, trying to avoid hospital and trying to care for a 2 year old and unable to cook or even move much. It was awful. So I greatly resent being told I wasn't doing enough for him. Here he went and rented a house for several months... I assume he was happy being away, he kept in touch to see our eldest but we very much lived like a divorced couple. He had him stay in his rental a few times a week and we did nothing together. I've since found out he was doing drugs at the time, but again he thinks this was due to his ASD. I believe he just found it easier to do drugs in another house... but maybe its a mix of the both. He came back this time but says he came back in order to see the baby be born and that he rushed back because of that. Although he's only told me that recently, at the time he said he wanted to come back and everything was fine again etc.

After the baby was born he stayed with us for 2 years, but was very distant, not really around and acting oddly. I found out about the drugs which he continued while back home and he went to rehab for a couple of months. Here is where he found out about the ASD and he thinks he has been taking drugs to escape. Now he is clean but living with his parents and doesn't want to come back for the reasons I've stated above. 

He is always self sufficient when he is away as he knows I will look after the kids, and he has a good job and lots of savings. He isn't acting particularly happy while he's away but I assume he must be since he's choosing this? So far he hasn't come back this time, but he is still messaging me... I think he feels guilt maybe at being away but not enough to come back... maybe he does want to end the relationship and can't bring himself to. Although I've asked him this and he says he still loves me but is burnt out from the relationship and needs space to think. He assures me its not to think about whether he wants the relationship, but can't tell me what it is he wants to think about.

What does he do when he's away?  Is he self-sufficient?   Is he happy being away?  What brings him back?

Yes I can relate to an awful lot of that. It may be that there will be no easy quick fix until some healing - for both of you - has happened, and I don't know how to suggest you approach that. My wife and I were lucky to be able to afford couples counselling & we went for about 18 months worth of sessions, which did help.

If you don't mind my amateur theorising (based on my own experience though) it sounds to me like your husband is in quite a deep "retreat" pattern and you're understandably missing his engagement and worrying about what it means for how he feels about you. Sorting this all out whilst kids aren't sleeping is very difficult. Trying to find a way for both of you to be able to say to the other "I hear you & I understand and I'm here for you" might help - but it does sound like you've already done a lot of the work there in offering him space. Time is the only other resource in this possibly; it's difficult now, but it won't be like this forever.

This might be useful as a quick read: https://spectra.blog/news-views/spoons-social-hangver-autism-asd-asc-aspergers/

And this for a longer one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Partners-Guide-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058784/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=partner%27s+guide+to+asperger&qid=1559204359&s=gateway&sr=8-2

I think the key will be trying reduce the NEED for him to decompress - remember, this is a symptom of the underlying anxiety... treat the cause, not the effect.

Have you thought about communicating with him via e-mail when he's stressed so he doesn't feel the pressure to respond immediately while trying to work out what emotion is being presented to him?

You might be able to ask him more probing questions when he's got time to process an proper answer.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am still working out this forum and can't work out how to reply to everyone more generally! 

I've suggested he turn a spare room we have downstairs into a room for him to use when he needs time to himself, and have even said he can put a sign on the door or close the door to indicate he doesn't want to be disturbed. I've also suggested he can have the spare bedroom if he wants to sleep in a different room. None of these are enough, he wants to be in a different house. 

He seems to be struggling with the relationship and says that I have too many emotional needs on him. For example, he might come home from work, totally ignore me and just sit in the corner or the room. I would ask if he was okay and he would get quite huffy. 

He also doesn't like it if I question whether he loves me, which unfortunately happens more often when he disappears for months on end. If he was to come home and could use the spare rooms it would make me feel more secure and less likely to need to ask if he wants the relationship/loves me, but he just seems so focused on what he wants. Its hard when you have two young children asking why their dad isn't at home too. 

He now wants to spend half his time at home and half at the other house on set days. I dont understand this at all if the need to be alone is caused by what happened during the day, or the questions I am asking, how can he predict which days he would need to spend alone? 

He says he resents me for my emotional needs, but I really resent having to do all of the chores, look after the kids, organise their parties, look after the pets, take out the bins, work... etc. Living life I guess... as sometimes I wouldn't mind running away to a hotel but I have to stay as who would do all of this stuff otherwise? It doesn't help our youngest isn't sleeping so I've not slept more than 3 hours in a row for several months now and it's very hard.  

Hi, I'm a married man in my 50s coming to the end of the NHS diagnosis process for ASD, and I think I can relate to your husband's feelings. What I can say is that alone time is really important. This alone time *can* be had in company to an extent if others are content to sit quietly or talk only occasionally. But there's a kind of exponential effect (that's not quite the right word) whereby little jabs & prods from the outside world build up and if they come too quickly stress levels rise until "I need to run away & find peace" is the only response.

If your husband is feeling this and hasn't yet had the opportunity to understand what's happening and allow himself to manage it proactively, I can fully understand that it will have tipped over to "I need my own house!".

Yes there are lots of things that can be done to manage this and others on the forum will probably suggest what works for them. For me it is:

• My family now understand the above and leave me alone if I suddenly stand up and go somewhere quiet
• Earplugs / noise cancelling earphones allow me to sit with my family in front of the TV but have my own space.
• I have a hobby room where I can escape & pursuing the hobby allows me to focus on things calmly away from sensory input

I don't have any magic answers to how to handle having young kids in the house. Been there & done that and I believe I got through it by masking and having peace after bed time. Emotional energy and frenetic activity drain me and both of those come in abundance from small children. It's *really* hard to share the load of raising children when all you crave is peace, and this so easily causes tensions because it *appears* that the aspie doesn't love the kids or have a sense of fairness and want to be seen as doing their bit, when nothing could actually be further from the truth.

I'm an AS man - I think your solution is brilliant.  I get very stressed by chaos and need 'me time' too when I can't cope with any more random events without the time to decompress and 'defrag' my brain to process all the stimulation and data.

Young children are incredibly difficult for us to deal with - we can't guess their needs and they change so quickly as they grow that we're always a few steps behind what's required of us.  Massive anxiety & stress!

I'm lucky that I have lots of 'man space' and lots of hobbies to help me wind down.   Our house is quite peaceful in the first place so i'm able to function most of the time.

Hi

This must be understandably frustrating for you, I have been with my partner nearly 11 years and we have 3 kids it's been one hell of a bumpy ride but worth it.

Both my partner and daughter are undiagnosed asd and it does present a few challenges. He used to try and control every aspect of our relationship and became aggressive when he couldn't. He would cause arguments to push me away but control if I could go! 

At that point I knew very little about asd and we didn't think about it for him as it became apparent our daughter was I spent more time reading and saw so much in his behaviour even he started listening and understanding.

He didn't try to separate to regulate he turned to anger as this was the emotion he knew and understood, so when he got emotional he didn't know how to respond except anger

We set him up a separate room at home, his man cave that he keeps his hobbies in as well as own TV and computer he uses this area to decompress and get himself relaxed rule is if door shut he needs to be alone if open people can come and go but he is in control of the area, unlike the rest of the house which is chaos with the kids! 

I also know when he starts shouting he is just venting and despite it being hard if I ignore it, he will go sit and calm himself then explain what is really wrong.

I know it's different for you but there are ways through this, try to work out what triggers these episodes in your husband, is it just a build up of little stressors? If so could setting specific time up for him help, or a quiet escape room so he has isolation without leaving? Try to reduce demands on him even temporarily just to see if it helps

 Keep reading up on asd and talking to autistic people this will give you the best understanding and enable you to support him which in turn helps you both 

Good luck