Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband and I have struggled throughout our relationship of 10 years and each time we end up with a situation where he ends up leaving. Sometimes he leaves for just a couple of months, other times he can leave for 6 months. After having some problems recently, he was seen by a psychiatrist who has said he probably is ASD as he scored 10/10 on the initial assessment but now needs to be referred for further assessments.
I've read a lot about masking and the emotional tiredness that comes from doing this. He seems to be suggesting he thinks he needs to isolate and go and live away from us, but says he needs to work out what he wants. This is very hard on me and our young children as it makes me feel very insecure. He says he loves me, but then if he does, what does he need to work out? He keeps suggesting he wants to run away and escape.
Is this normal for ASD and is there anything that can be done to help him recover sooner or to prevent things like this from happening in the first place?
This might be useful as a quick read: https://spectra.blog/news-views/spoons-social-hangver-autism-asd-asc-aspergers/
And this for a longer one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Partners-Guide-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058784/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=partner%27s+guide+to+asperger&qid=1559204359&s=gateway&sr=8-2
I think the key will be trying reduce the NEED for him to decompress - remember, this is a symptom of the underlying anxiety... treat the cause, not the effect.
Thank you. I read the link you sent.
Can I ask what would count as down time following all these social situations to make sure that the spoons have a chance to recover? Does it need to be time completely alone? In that example, what would the mum do about her children being in the house, would that mean she never gets down time?
I'm struggling with understanding why my husband needs a whole house and cant just go and sit in the spare room for an evening. He even says that knowing I'm outside feels too smothering for him and he would rather I didn't know where he was when he had his days to isolate. Is that common with ASD?
I find an inside lock on my 'woman cave' does the trick. I'm on my own now - which suits me in many ways - but in erstwhile family situation partner and kids would get p/o'd if they can't get my attention cos I've locked the door and put on ANC headphones with music (thus blocking out any other exterior sound) so the arrangement was they can text me if they *really* need to talk to me about something time-sensitive as the 'beep' comes through my headphones whilst I won't hear knocking and calling. I then also respond in text unless the house is on fire - or ignore it until later as non-time sensitive 'white noise'. The rest of the household is to consider me to have left the building if I'm in my cave with the door locked and to come and go as they find convenient for themselves without reference to me (I *really* don't want people sitting about waiting for me to rejoin the fray as I don't want to bend anyone else's life out of shape). I don't think this was entirely satisfactory for either side but 'good enough' to avoid anyone being massively put out. I was always miserably aware that this didn't really work for the other party and took away control for them - but unless they want me screaming at them instead, it's a workable solution.
I do observe this to be a widespread issue with mixed NT/ND relationships - basically, it prevents the NT from living as they would like to in wraparound vague intimacy whilst also preventing the ND from having enough space. I'm not sure it works that well for either party and I don't think I'd want to get into another relationship with an NT honestly. It really seems to be deficit for one and surfeit for the other . . .
It'll be different for each aspie/autie... some might be fine with being in a room with other people elsewhere in the house, others might also need noice-cancelling headphones, others might need to get outside away from people, cars everything.
It'll depend on their particular sensitivities, which are commonly sound, touch, smell, light...
It's also about 'sensory overload' - imagine a glass full to the brim with water... until it's about to spill over and it's only the surface tension that's stopping it... the slightest drop more of liquid, or the addition of a small stone or maybe even only a passing breeze would cause it to 'spill over'... that's what it feels like when you run out of spoons and need to decompress/recover.
So yes, just being aware of people in the house could be too much - particularly children if noise is an issue (high-pitched shrieking of children is like nails down a blackboard to me)
It's that same level of sensitivity which has lead to me ruining many a brand-new shirt by clumsily cutting the label out of the neck because the feel of it on my neck is unbearable...
If I said he could get a lock for the door, do you think that would help?
I have to admit I still feel on edge if there is someone else in the house. I suppose this relates to not knowing if they'll interrupt you. I can only feel relaxed if I am completely on my own in the house.