Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband and I have struggled throughout our relationship of 10 years and each time we end up with a situation where he ends up leaving. Sometimes he leaves for just a couple of months, other times he can leave for 6 months. After having some problems recently, he was seen by a psychiatrist who has said he probably is ASD as he scored 10/10 on the initial assessment but now needs to be referred for further assessments.
I've read a lot about masking and the emotional tiredness that comes from doing this. He seems to be suggesting he thinks he needs to isolate and go and live away from us, but says he needs to work out what he wants. This is very hard on me and our young children as it makes me feel very insecure. He says he loves me, but then if he does, what does he need to work out? He keeps suggesting he wants to run away and escape.
Is this normal for ASD and is there anything that can be done to help him recover sooner or to prevent things like this from happening in the first place?
Hi, I'm a married man in my 50s coming to the end of the NHS diagnosis process for ASD, and I think I can relate to your husband's feelings. What I can say is that alone time is really important. This alone time *can* be had in company to an extent if others are content to sit quietly or talk only occasionally. But there's a kind of exponential effect (that's not quite the right word) whereby little jabs & prods from the outside world build up and if they come too quickly stress levels rise until "I need to run away & find peace" is the only response.
If your husband is feeling this and hasn't yet had the opportunity to understand what's happening and allow himself to manage it proactively, I can fully understand that it will have tipped over to "I need my own house!".
Yes there are lots of things that can be done to manage this and others on the forum will probably suggest what works for them. For me it is:
I don't have any magic answers to how to handle having young kids in the house. Been there & done that and I believe I got through it by masking and having peace after bed time. Emotional energy and frenetic activity drain me and both of those come in abundance from small children. It's *really* hard to share the load of raising children when all you crave is peace, and this so easily causes tensions because it *appears* that the aspie doesn't love the kids or have a sense of fairness and want to be seen as doing their bit, when nothing could actually be further from the truth.
Thank you for all of your replies. I am still working out this forum and can't work out how to reply to everyone more generally!
I've suggested he turn a spare room we have downstairs into a room for him to use when he needs time to himself, and have even said he can put a sign on the door or close the door to indicate he doesn't want to be disturbed. I've also suggested he can have the spare bedroom if he wants to sleep in a different room. None of these are enough, he wants to be in a different house.
He seems to be struggling with the relationship and says that I have too many emotional needs on him. For example, he might come home from work, totally ignore me and just sit in the corner or the room. I would ask if he was okay and he would get quite huffy.
He also doesn't like it if I question whether he loves me, which unfortunately happens more often when he disappears for months on end. If he was to come home and could use the spare rooms it would make me feel more secure and less likely to need to ask if he wants the relationship/loves me, but he just seems so focused on what he wants. Its hard when you have two young children asking why their dad isn't at home too.
He now wants to spend half his time at home and half at the other house on set days. I dont understand this at all if the need to be alone is caused by what happened during the day, or the questions I am asking, how can he predict which days he would need to spend alone?
He says he resents me for my emotional needs, but I really resent having to do all of the chores, look after the kids, organise their parties, look after the pets, take out the bins, work... etc. Living life I guess... as sometimes I wouldn't mind running away to a hotel but I have to stay as who would do all of this stuff otherwise? It doesn't help our youngest isn't sleeping so I've not slept more than 3 hours in a row for several months now and it's very hard.
You're welcome. I must say that the more I read what you're writing (especially your reply to Plastic below) the more I think that you have already been incredibly patient and tolerant & I think you should give yourself some recognition for that if you haven't already. I'm wondering if he has other issues going on as well as dealing with ASD & you've mentioned some already.
I can't say I understand either why he can live with his parents but not you & the kids. I get what he says about feeling people in the house even if he's in a room with the door locked - I have a similar experience.
Psychology and behaviour is complicated and changes over time as people evolve together.
I wouldn't worry *toooo* much about the kids, parents can often be away for extended periods (e.g. if someone is in the forces or works on oil rigs or something) I guess it's what's said about it and the vibes they pick up that are most important.
How about going for some counselling on your own? That might help you clarify how you want to handle it, and you'd be in control and taking positive steps rather than at the mercy of what he decides.
Thank you. I just worry about how disruptive this is for the children too. They don't understand why their dad keeps disappearing for months on end, and I don't know if he will ever choose to come back. I don't understand why he wants to stay with his parents, as ultimately there are still people there - but won't stay with us. I find the concept very hard to understand. I also don't understand why he doesn't fear losing me through this repeated behaviour. It makes me feel like he can't possibly love me if he's prepared to risk this just to go and play at being single for a few months every couple of years. And I resent the fact I have to keep everything going... I never can just disappear for a holiday or a month alone. I'd feel too guilty leaving the kids, and anyway, he wouldn't ever help with the childcare so it wouldn't be possible.
We have thought about couples counselling but we had this in the past (before we found out about the ASD) and it didn't help, but we have discussed doing it again. He just has a specific person he wants us to see, and is terrible with organising anything so nothing is happening on that front.
Yes I can relate to an awful lot of that. It may be that there will be no easy quick fix until some healing - for both of you - has happened, and I don't know how to suggest you approach that. My wife and I were lucky to be able to afford couples counselling & we went for about 18 months worth of sessions, which did help.
If you don't mind my amateur theorising (based on my own experience though) it sounds to me like your husband is in quite a deep "retreat" pattern and you're understandably missing his engagement and worrying about what it means for how he feels about you. Sorting this all out whilst kids aren't sleeping is very difficult. Trying to find a way for both of you to be able to say to the other "I hear you & I understand and I'm here for you" might help - but it does sound like you've already done a lot of the work there in offering him space. Time is the only other resource in this possibly; it's difficult now, but it won't be like this forever.
Have you thought about communicating with him via e-mail when he's stressed so he doesn't feel the pressure to respond immediately while trying to work out what emotion is being presented to him?
You might be able to ask him more probing questions when he's got time to process an proper answer.