Published on 12, July, 2020
Example 1: At my last psych appointment the pdoc said I looked happy. I didn't think I was.
Example 2: Was recently seen at main hospital emergency department because of chest pains. Tests were ok, but BP was higher than normal . Had to go for follow up the next day . Doctor said it had been raised because I was anxious. Apparently my pulse rate was fast. I hadn't noticed I was anxious.
I don't think it happens all the time ie I sometimes know when I'm anxious etc .
Hi I would like to add something else. Does anyone else need someone else's opinion to confirm their own feelings? It's like I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel or be, but then if I have guidance or direction off someone this helps me know what to do or how to feel. Eg I've been off work with anxiety and didn't know if I should go back to work or not. It's taken about 4 other people to tell me I'm still not right and need to stay off. Ive felt like I couldn't make this decision myself, and similarly when going off work I didn't know what to do. I feel like a non AS or non alexithymic person would be able to understand this about themselves straightaway. I had to ring my manager for an update last week and on the phone I was going "yeah I'm fine" cos I'd had 2 good days. When in realitythis is s long term thing im going through. I feel often like I can't see past whatever current mood or frame of mind I'm in.
Can anyone relate to any of this? Apologies if it's been mentioned before but the thread is long so I've not read everything.
I get what you mean.
I often feel neutral for most of the time but then I almost dig deep and think things over like what’s happened through my life and recently and the things I tend to remember kind of trigger an emotional response of how I should be feeling.
if I remember the good times then I begin to feel good and vice versa.
I find it difficult to explain myself as in character and the emotions I am feeling.
I’m no longer a really reactive person or the danger to people I once was but I still don’t take *** from no one and would quite happily fight to the death for survival or my friend.
but when I try to describe that to people they think that I want to fight people.
I also can’t express my feelings on experiences. I’ll with say it’s good or bad but then they’ll say how good and without a comparison to another experience I can’t express anything or explain how good.
Definitely. However, i'm not sure it's always worked very well for me. Yes, it has certainly validated my (sometimes hazy) sense of my own feelings, leading me to take appropriate action. But I think that, as a child, i often looked to others' words and reactions as an indication of how I was supposed to feel in situations and how intensely i was supposed to feel it. Then that reaction in me was somehow strengthened or given permission. E.g I'd fall down and graze my knee, which hurt, but then i only started to cry once someone else said, "I'd be crying if that happened to me." Or i'd feel mildly annoyed and someone would ask, "Aren't you angry?" prompting me to focus even more on the reasons I should be angry and then actually feel it too.
i now sometimes have to pause and wonder whether my feelings are less real and less intense than they would otherwise be, because i've been behaving like that for years and it's merged into my masking. I've only been diagnosed for about six months and am having a bit of trouble working out what's me and what isn't. e.g. I recently got very finickity about something trivial and immediately had the thought, "Oh. I think I'm being that friend I used to have at school right now."
This all makes me wonder not just about autism/alexythemia but about the extent to which feelings can be learnt, even though we think of them as somehow natural. E.g. "This happened, so naturally I felt this." when actually there will be some intermediate stages in that process and, although it's happening quickly, it maybe isn't automatic.