Reframing the past and its fear/anxiety

aspiewren said:

A big list of them. Funny, I used to want desperately to be included on their lists, now I'm shoving them off mine!

Now I am teaching my younger daughter to detox herself.

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hank you aspiewren for actually saying the very same words

Yes

aspiewren said:

One of the things that's come up is absolute horror at the sheer cruelty of others. I can't get my head round it at all, never could

This

aspiewren said:

apart from seeing how very different I am in that context, was the bitchiness of the committee in particular ... school playground all over again

Lol at W.I. I think it is that clique that is all about social norm and pecking order and validating each-other that is potentially most challenging

and this

aspiewren said:

Really, human unkindness and cruelty is quite shocking at the moment ... as if I'd never seen or experienced it before, which of course I have.  I did have a 'friend' but when I told her I knew I was autistic/Aspergers she just said thank you for telling me and cut me off completely!

Yes, I've experienced all of this and sadly so did my girls. This is the experience of being autistic, isn'it

This is why for me the dx was the time to shake it off, it's not my fault or failing, it is their bad really. You can't internalise it

I just realised a typo: of course I meant to say autistic people are not 'defective', I corrected that

Thank you aspiewren for actually saying the very same words I often feel fit me too.

 I am an older Male but your words here very much mirror my own thoughts.

 Take care and take this journey slowly and with baby steps.

 It get better as each part gradually has some meaning to you.

 My journey of self discovery is still ongoing but it’s one away from all that I struggled to exist in. 

A ways to go yet but with great hope and determination I will get there.

 Take care 

x()x

I wish you well with your discoveries Aspiewren. It’s never too late in life. 

Thanks, Plastic, 'fatithfully doing my duty and being smacked in the face.' Yeah. That one! And the anger, too. I suppose this is just a stage and will pass but atm I get memories coming up and a strong sense  of injustice and why the heck do people think it's fun to abuse or hurt?  I have a couple of friends only, and not much in common with them at all. But plenty of the 'untrustworthies'. A big list of them. Funny, I used to want desperately to be included on their lists, now I'm shoving them off mine! best wishes, aspeiwren

Thanks, I might investigate that. Wouldn't have thought of it. Hope your day is a good one too. aspiewren

I have found a reasonably short time with a psychologist on the NHS has helped me immensely to manage such feelings and emotions. In my case PTSD as well. She has an understanding of ASD but is not a specialist. It’s been a very valuable and private space for me. Maybe it’s worth a thought for yourself? Good morning. Hope your day goes ok. 

Hi Wren.   I know exactly how you're feeling.  

I'm a bloke and I was diagnosed at 42.  My diagnosis came very quickly - from suggestion to confirmation was only a few weeks so I didn't have any time to worry about it as it all happened so fast.

After diagnosis, I spent a lot of time reprocessing all of my historic interactions with people - especially the negative interactions - and I realised just how child-like and naive I had been. 

With the benefit of 20-20 hindsight, I could see just how many times my social deficiencies had been skillfully used against me.  

I had been acting like a puppy - faithfully doing my duty and being smacked in the face - but still coming back as it was the right thing to do.

After all the processing and re-evaluating what was really going on, I've ended up with a list of people that I can't trust - so I avoid them at all costs.   I've ended up with a long list of annoyances and unanswered questions that I cannot get answers to - some because the opportunity will never arise or others that I know I won't be given the truth.

I'm working hard to swallow all the anger at the people who used and abused me - but time makes it easier to forget - and new experiences in life with people who value me and are more under my control.

I am careful with interacting with people who I judge might not have my best interests at heart -  I can pre-plan most interactions but I risk being caught out by a sudden change to plans.  I try to always have someone with me doing the 'social interaction policing' to ensure I don't get railroaded into unwise decisions.

Good luck with your diagnosis - and don't blame yourself for stuff you had no control over.

Hi Tinyexplorer, and thank you for replying to me. And all those links - I will check them out for sure; thank you very much for including them. I agree with you that dwelling on the medical and pathologizing model of autism is a downer ... that's one of my worries, of becoming a 'label' when I get my diagnosis. And of being under the mental health team ... already there's the 'not normal' coming in. I believe that we are normal, just different. When I said yesterday that my life was falling apart I was being melodramatic and I did calm down (replies on this forum really helped there ... I didn't think anyone would reply, actually). I interpret that falling apart as a) drama (!) but also that my life previously has sort of shifted sideways and the old anchors, indeed, the old me is feeling quite wobbly about the way I was, and in particular the way other people reacted to me. I think I was just one massive pleaser, copier and compromiser because I didn't know how to be with people. No more! One of the things that's come up is absolute horror at the sheer cruelty of others. I can't get my head round it at all, never could, but whereas in the past I would make excuses or brood or feel very hurt, now I am just appalled! To try and improve my social life har har, I joined the W.I. (yes, this is a funny story.) I said to myself I'd stick it for a year. It was a terrible experience from start to finish. Talk about fish out of water. I used to sweat with fear about going there for the 2 hours a month!  What struck me, apart from seeing how very different I am in that context, was the bitchiness of the committee in particular ... school playground all over again. I wouldn't side with them over their bitching to me about another woman I didn't know, so they started on me. Really, human unkindness and cruelty is quite shocking at the moment ... as if I'd never seen or experienced it before, which of course I have.  I did have a 'friend' but when I told her I knew I was autistic/Aspergers she just said thank you for telling me and cut me off completely! I wonder if other people on here have had similar thoughts and experiences? I do feel as if my skin has gotten thinner of late, and my emotional responses much deeper ... maybe that's because I am being more 'real' about myself now, and shoving off all those layers of crap about trying to be normal. Yes, I used to say that to myself in my teens 'I must be normal, how do they do it?' And of course, from that follows a life of apeing and copying and being totally non-authentic. The wobbles I had were probably due to that authentic self having to express itself. best wishes to you Tinyexplorer. aspeiwren

Hi Rip Van Winkle,Thanks for your reply to mine. I think your comment about the basis of your problems, and a new understanding of them is something I relate to. Bullying, too. Nasty memories around that one. In fact I don't enjoy dredging up my past to see it in this different light because the emotions are still attached to those memories.  aspiewren

I can relate completely to the feeling at the time of diagnosis and the reframing going on. The emotion though as directed at the events and people that caused all the things that affected me. The dx was the relief, the answer giving an explanation to what happened,and what I could do next.

I am not sure I understand your comment of your life falling apart. It would not fall apart because of diagnosis. You are still the same person and your  condition in inborn and life long. It is not your diagnosis that is the problem but the barriers and systems of NT society. 

In the social model of disability symptoms and impairments are not the problem, it is the lack of inclusion, acceptance and accommodation that is disabling autistic people. 

The definition of disability in the equality act is doing things differently. This means that autistic people are not intrinsically 'defective' and 'inferior' and 'disordered', but they function differently and this clashes with the neurotypical majority causing various very real problems.

For most autistic people falling apart is a constant before the dx. After one start getting some understanding to put oneself and life together again. I think the diagnosis could and should be  is a new start, an opportunity, is the key, the beginning of pushing back and re establishing yourself.

Dwelling on medical and pathologizing model of autism can be depressive and confidence destroying. F#%k that.

Start reading about Neurodiversity

'Don’t mourn for us' https://www.autreat.com/dont_mourn.html

Double empathy  https://kar.kent.ac.uk/62639/1/Double%20empathy%20problem.pdf

Brand new research confirming that ASC/ASC better communicate and collaborate with each other that AS/NT http://dart.ed.ac.uk/research/nd-iq/

Autism from the inside https://aeon.co/essays/the-autistic-view-of-the-world-is-not-the-neurotypical-cliche

Monotropism from the inside https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism

Review of important topics https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/search-truce-autism-wars/?utm_source=Copy+of+Spectrum+News+%28Daily+Report%29&utm_campaign=ab58a23ba1-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2019_04_23_09_07&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5d6f652fd5-ab58a23ba1-168411017

Nothing about us without us - autistic advocacy position statements https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/position-statements/

#ActuallyAutistic ://twitter.com/hashtag/actuallyautistic?lang=en

The art https://the-art-of-autism.com/what-is-autism/

Neurodiversity https://the-art-of-autism.com/neurodiverse-a-person-a-perspective-a-movement/

Neurodiversity  https://autisticuk.org/neurodiversity/

Hi Aspiewren. I’m an older woman too. Officially diagnosed last year. The waiting for assessment was the most anxious time for me. I have since come to the conclusion we with the ‘label’ are essentially the same cross section of personalities and society as are in any other large group of people. Admittedly most of us have encountered problems due to our ‘different’ personalities, often being bullied or misdiagnosed. I feel much happier now I can say what the basis of many of my problems is. But I am me. You are Aspiewren right now. Welcome.