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Reframing the past and its fear/anxiety

aspiewren

I realised I was autistic/aspergers about 25 years ago, but am only now getting a professional diagnosis. I am an older woman. Trouble is, since I saw the Dr about it, and she agreed to me having a formal diagnosis, I've been terribly fearful and anxious. It's as if it IS real now, whereas before I could evade or pretend. I feel my life is falling apart because events/people in the past are being re-framed in a different light now. I feel wounded and appalled about some of the things which happened. I feel a lot of anger, too, and a deep grief. I don't want to go out and see anybody.  Have any of you experienced these kind of feelings, and if so, how did you calm down?  aspiewren

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  • Hi Wren.   I know exactly how you're feeling.  

    I'm a bloke and I was diagnosed at 42.  My diagnosis came very quickly - from suggestion to confirmation was only a few weeks so I didn't have any time to worry about it as it all happened so fast.

    After diagnosis, I spent a lot of time reprocessing all of my historic interactions with people - especially the negative interactions - and I realised just how child-like and naive I had been. 

    With the benefit of 20-20 hindsight, I could see just how many times my social deficiencies had been skillfully used against me.  

    I had been acting like a puppy - faithfully doing my duty and being smacked in the face - but still coming back as it was the right thing to do.

    After all the processing and re-evaluating what was really going on, I've ended up with a list of people that I can't trust - so I avoid them at all costs.   I've ended up with a long list of annoyances and unanswered questions that I cannot get answers to - some because the opportunity will never arise or others that I know I won't be given the truth.

    I'm working hard to swallow all the anger at the people who used and abused me - but time makes it easier to forget - and new experiences in life with people who value me and are more under my control.

    I am careful with interacting with people who I judge might not have my best interests at heart -  I can pre-plan most interactions but I risk being caught out by a sudden change to plans.  I try to always have someone with me doing the 'social interaction policing' to ensure I don't get railroaded into unwise decisions.

    Good luck with your diagnosis - and don't blame yourself for stuff you had no control over.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Thanks, Plastic, 'fatithfully doing my duty and being smacked in the face.' Yeah. That one! And the anger, too. I suppose this is just a stage and will pass but atm I get memories coming up and a strong sense  of injustice and why the heck do people think it's fun to abuse or hurt?  I have a couple of friends only, and not much in common with them at all. But plenty of the 'untrustworthies'. A big list of them. Funny, I used to want desperately to be included on their lists, now I'm shoving them off mine! best wishes, aspeiwren

  • in reply to aspiewren

    Thank you aspiewren for actually saying the very same words I often feel fit me too.

     I am an older Male but your words here very much mirror my own thoughts.

     Take care and take this journey slowly and with baby steps.

     It get better as each part gradually has some meaning to you.

     My journey of self discovery is still ongoing but it’s one away from all that I struggled to exist in. 

    A ways to go yet but with great hope and determination I will get there.

     Take care 

    x()x

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  • in reply to aspiewren

    Thank you aspiewren for actually saying the very same words I often feel fit me too.

     I am an older Male but your words here very much mirror my own thoughts.

     Take care and take this journey slowly and with baby steps.

     It get better as each part gradually has some meaning to you.

     My journey of self discovery is still ongoing but it’s one away from all that I struggled to exist in. 

    A ways to go yet but with great hope and determination I will get there.

     Take care 

    x()x

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