Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I am so fed up of reading about how great and special it is to have Asperger's. How it means you have special talents and oh how you have so much potential to be amazing and that you'll have a wonderful life once you figure it all out and just accept who you are- your amazing ASD potential.
Can we talk about the tragic/dark side hardly anyone - especially the media - want to talk about.Tony Attwood touched on some things but even then in one of his videos he too talks about how amazing it is to have Asperger's. I can't believe it's just me who feels it's a travesty. As far as I'm concerned there is a reason it's called a 'disorder' for me it is, it is not a 'condition'. It's ruined my life. It's the reason I've failed at everything I've tried to achieve. It's living in a prison in your brain and your body. That prison is this 'block' that's been there my whole life. It's knowing you do indeed have great potential but that block which is your prison stops this ever progressing. So everyday, your'e dragged around by this brain and body that just wants to keep you in the same old routines and patterns over and over again. Looking outside of your prison window onto a world around you that you'll never be part of and a world that will never be able to see you in your prison. I grew up thinking I was just a bit stupid but now I know what that 'block' has been all my life in terms of trying to learn and understand. I later on in life wondered if I had some kind of learning disability when I was of the maturity to realise this wasn't actually plain stupidity.
I've lived my entire life seeing my 3 other siblings all have the lives I've tried desperately to have myself and never been able to achieve. Never actually knowing what it feels like to experience happiness, contentment, peace, satisfaction, fulfilment, meaning. I'm a pessimist I admit but my pessimism is all logic to me and I find it hard to see (in fact, can't) how anyone can see the world we live in in any other way. I've asked myself and professionals if this is depression. When I read Rollo May's famous quote that 'Depression is an inability to construct a future' that instantly made me realise therein was the problem for me. I have an inability to even think about a 'future' so how could I possibly be able to construct one? In one sentence my entire life's difficulties had an explanation.
I was told by the team involved in my assessment and diagnosis this is a very common ASD difficulty but they relate it to the imagination, how can you construct a future if you can't imagine it I think is the theory. But how do we know if it's depression or the lack of imagination? I'm not sure if it's possible to have depression your entire life. So my trail of tragedy and missed opportunities (the latter of which ironically I can only now see looking back) has a name called Asperger's Syndrome and I don't even understand where that may have been the reason for some of this.
I even wondered if I was schizophrenic or had a split personality because I couldn't explain this way of being, of feeling I'm trapped inside my brain and body that just drags me around with it all the while me being absolutely powerless to change it, to do anything about it.
It's a living hell and an absolute travesty of a life. There is not one day goes by without me crying. Life = just waiting to die. I can't even kill myself because this body and brain won't allow it.
This is what having Asperger's Syndrome is like for me.
Dear NAS49761
It's very sad to hear how you feel, but I'm not sure that your depression is caused by Aspergers. Although it appears to be more common in Autistic people, there are also many non-autistic (NT) people living with depression, and/ or feeling they are a failure and don't have anything to look forward to.
Our brains do work differently to NT brains, but when we're at home in a safe space where we feel comfortable, we're not autistic. Autism is a label that explains our different reactions to life in a social context. By that I mean all situations where there are people and the stimuli of human society- busy streets, public transport, work situations, supermarkets, etc. The overload of sensory and emotional stimuli is exhausting for us, that's true, so we need to plan to minimise the stress and ensure that we can relax when we return to our safe haven.
You describe living in a "prison in your brain and body". Personally I've coped over the years by escaping from my own mind by retreating into fiction novels. I have also had phases of trying creative hobbies such as composing music, jewellery making, pottery, knitting, etc, and I find video gaming can also be a useful escape. It doesn't matter if you're good at it or not, we need interests and obsessions to occupy us - find something you enjoy and make time to do it. An unoccupied mind often dwells on the negatives. And you may find something that you are actually good at, which boosts self esteem.
It may be that a lack of imagination stops you constructing a future, but it's my guess that a lot of NT people lack imagination and they often seem happy to follow exactly the same pattern of behaviour day after day, week after week, year after year. It's probably why they make so much fuss about births, weddings, birthdays, christmas, the world cup, etc, because they find it hard to change their patterns of behaviour.
I think you've been focussed on masking and mimicking and have lost your real self. I had to work out who I was before I could become more content. Good luck with your journey.
Pixiefox said:It's very sad to hear how you feel, but I'm not sure that your depression is caused by Aspergers.
Yes, I'm aware of that too despite my post, I have had very difficult life experiences, but haven't we all, perhaps I would have coped better if I didn't have ASD...