Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I am so fed up of reading about how great and special it is to have Asperger's. How it means you have special talents and oh how you have so much potential to be amazing and that you'll have a wonderful life once you figure it all out and just accept who you are- your amazing ASD potential.
Can we talk about the tragic/dark side hardly anyone - especially the media - want to talk about.Tony Attwood touched on some things but even then in one of his videos he too talks about how amazing it is to have Asperger's. I can't believe it's just me who feels it's a travesty. As far as I'm concerned there is a reason it's called a 'disorder' for me it is, it is not a 'condition'. It's ruined my life. It's the reason I've failed at everything I've tried to achieve. It's living in a prison in your brain and your body. That prison is this 'block' that's been there my whole life. It's knowing you do indeed have great potential but that block which is your prison stops this ever progressing. So everyday, your'e dragged around by this brain and body that just wants to keep you in the same old routines and patterns over and over again. Looking outside of your prison window onto a world around you that you'll never be part of and a world that will never be able to see you in your prison. I grew up thinking I was just a bit stupid but now I know what that 'block' has been all my life in terms of trying to learn and understand. I later on in life wondered if I had some kind of learning disability when I was of the maturity to realise this wasn't actually plain stupidity.
I've lived my entire life seeing my 3 other siblings all have the lives I've tried desperately to have myself and never been able to achieve. Never actually knowing what it feels like to experience happiness, contentment, peace, satisfaction, fulfilment, meaning. I'm a pessimist I admit but my pessimism is all logic to me and I find it hard to see (in fact, can't) how anyone can see the world we live in in any other way. I've asked myself and professionals if this is depression. When I read Rollo May's famous quote that 'Depression is an inability to construct a future' that instantly made me realise therein was the problem for me. I have an inability to even think about a 'future' so how could I possibly be able to construct one? In one sentence my entire life's difficulties had an explanation.
I was told by the team involved in my assessment and diagnosis this is a very common ASD difficulty but they relate it to the imagination, how can you construct a future if you can't imagine it I think is the theory. But how do we know if it's depression or the lack of imagination? I'm not sure if it's possible to have depression your entire life. So my trail of tragedy and missed opportunities (the latter of which ironically I can only now see looking back) has a name called Asperger's Syndrome and I don't even understand where that may have been the reason for some of this.
I even wondered if I was schizophrenic or had a split personality because I couldn't explain this way of being, of feeling I'm trapped inside my brain and body that just drags me around with it all the while me being absolutely powerless to change it, to do anything about it.
It's a living hell and an absolute travesty of a life. There is not one day goes by without me crying. Life = just waiting to die. I can't even kill myself because this body and brain won't allow it.
This is what having Asperger's Syndrome is like for me.
It's not great to be Aspergers. It's great to be yourself and accept that with or without Asperger Syndrome.
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Thank you....
I'm sorry to hear that you are living in such a hellish sounding situation. I have had periods of depression in the past and have lived in places where noise nuisance was incredibly stressful. I know that I'm lucky in many ways as I have a partner to talk to, and after many exhausting home moves have found a flat now which is fairly quiet. I was also able to decrease my working hours a couple of years ago which has helped too, so I'm now looking at things from a better situation.
I know what you mean about thinking you are "bits & pieces of other people ". I used to be such a people pleaser that my identity became a little bit overwhelmed (if that makes sense?). But you do still have a real self, it's there somewhere. I hope you find some strength from posting on here.
Pixiefox said:I think you've been focussed on masking and mimicking and have lost your real self. I had to work out who I was before I could become more content.
Yes, I think there is something in that too, but what if there is no real self now? what if as a result of being like that for years I am just bits and pieces of other people and I never find my 'real' self, what if this is 'me'? what then?...
The rest of your paragraph is good to know as because I have felt like that when I have been in safer haven's and that has led to me doubting having ASD, so that explains it, thanks, don't know why I can't think of these things myself..
Pixiefox said:It may be that a lack of imagination stops you constructing a future,
Since learned a bit more about this from OT, more to do with the planning involved in constructing a future and the planning is linked to the imagination still trying to understand that one..
Pixiefox said:You describe living in a "prison in your brain and body". Personally I've coped over the years by escaping from my own mind by retreating into fiction novels. I have also had phases of trying creative hobbies such as composing music, jewellery making, pottery, knitting, etc, and I find video gaming can also be a useful escape. It doesn't matter if you're good at it or not, we need interests and obsessions to occupy us
See last reply
Pixiefox said:but when we're at home in a safe space where we feel comfortable, we're not autistic.
unfortunately I have no 'safe haven' as my home environment where I have to spend most of my time is a sensory hell which has really messed with my routine, I spending all my time trying to manage the sensory overload that I can't even concentrate on anything...
Pixiefox said:It's very sad to hear how you feel, but I'm not sure that your depression is caused by Aspergers.
Yes, I'm aware of that too despite my post, I have had very difficult life experiences, but haven't we all, perhaps I would have coped better if I didn't have ASD...
Dear NAS49761
It's very sad to hear how you feel, but I'm not sure that your depression is caused by Aspergers. Although it appears to be more common in Autistic people, there are also many non-autistic (NT) people living with depression, and/ or feeling they are a failure and don't have anything to look forward to.
Our brains do work differently to NT brains, but when we're at home in a safe space where we feel comfortable, we're not autistic. Autism is a label that explains our different reactions to life in a social context. By that I mean all situations where there are people and the stimuli of human society- busy streets, public transport, work situations, supermarkets, etc. The overload of sensory and emotional stimuli is exhausting for us, that's true, so we need to plan to minimise the stress and ensure that we can relax when we return to our safe haven.
You describe living in a "prison in your brain and body". Personally I've coped over the years by escaping from my own mind by retreating into fiction novels. I have also had phases of trying creative hobbies such as composing music, jewellery making, pottery, knitting, etc, and I find video gaming can also be a useful escape. It doesn't matter if you're good at it or not, we need interests and obsessions to occupy us - find something you enjoy and make time to do it. An unoccupied mind often dwells on the negatives. And you may find something that you are actually good at, which boosts self esteem.
It may be that a lack of imagination stops you constructing a future, but it's my guess that a lot of NT people lack imagination and they often seem happy to follow exactly the same pattern of behaviour day after day, week after week, year after year. It's probably why they make so much fuss about births, weddings, birthdays, christmas, the world cup, etc, because they find it hard to change their patterns of behaviour.
I think you've been focussed on masking and mimicking and have lost your real self. I had to work out who I was before I could become more content. Good luck with your journey.
Thanks Hannah, that was really inspiring to read. And well done you
I feel like this from time to time. It's very difficult to know who you are if you've spent you're life masking your true self, without conciously knowing you're doing it. I have such different personalities with different groups of people. And I say or agree to things with different groups, which makes me really wonder sometimes what are my actual opinions and what have I borrowed? I think this comes from the "trying to please everyone" aspect (which I think was mentioned either in this thread or another one I read today). I have really really struggled with my sense of self but I'm trying at the moment not to focus on things like this because I get caught up in thought spirals.
It has BlueRay, can't explain how yet, but it has.
maybe you could add an 'i' and be called IDWiCC (phonetically idwick) reminds of the name Hedwig which I think sounds great, he's a character from a movie I like...
Thanks NAS50812, I hope you like wearing your velvet jacket and find a loving relationship....
Thanks Martian Tom, that was a massive amount for you to deal with...I'm getting a bit old for the right thing to reveal itself now though....
Hey NAS I totally get this!
I have been dismissed from jobs, because the staff don't like me, find me unpredictable and even because I spoke my mind. Now, every time my boss calls me into her office, as innocent as it may be, it makes me shake. I will have an urge to go to the loo, even though I've just been and I run through what I could have done that could've called this meeting, and what I can do to try and get out of it. Staff have told me when I'm in this state that I'm not 'with it' and look clammy and pale. I hate living like this, and building my confidence back up is super hard. I have to tell myself that it's OK, even if the worst happens - I get the sack, it's really not that bad as I have a union and a good qualification to fall back on.
But then when I'm IN that meeting, my boss just wants to know how I'm doing, or a clarification on a particular thing, even to congratulate me on my work. Only once has she told me off, and it was actually OK. I said the mistake I made wouldn't happen again, and I am anal enough to ensure it bloody won't happen again!
I'm 30 and finally have a job in which I'm able to take agency over, to be independent rather than someone looming over me. In my last school I worked at 4 months ago, I was the TA in a team of 4 working with severely disabled children. And because I needed to double check things with the teacher, and the predictability of some children made me unsure, she didn't let me work with a child whom I was able to manage perfectly well, her words were "Hannah can't manage that child... *name of staff*, you can take it over instead." It made me feel underappreciated, and not long after, I left.
People can be so cruel, I was bullied in primary, and when I left for 6th form college in my final year I was teased by my 'friends' and FAILED every single A level. But even with this, I still got into my University of first choice - Birmingham Uni, 2008. I felt elated, that someone was giving me a chance. I got my FdA, and even though I didn't complete my final year, I started it last year in 2018. I'm now completing my degree about children with Downs' Sydrome! The university have been great!
I feel very emotional writing this, because even though my work life has been fairly disastrous, until this year, I'm doing what every other person can do. It's taken me 10 years to be able to do my degree, but I'm DOING IT ON MY OWN. I was told I'd need a carer all my life by Doctors and psychiatrists, I've lived on my own - I'm DOING it!
Asperger's is NOT easy to live with, but when I get through those hurdles or milestones, I feel SO happy because I know I can do more, and I feel like saying "F*** you societal norms, I am DOING it despite you!". The days I want to cry because I don't understand some jokes or sarcasm and people roll their eyes and say "Hannah, you're so simple/dumb/silly" or even "HOW can you not understand??" I reflect back on what I HAVE accomplished.
So I say to you NAS, even if it's going to the shops, or attending a party or forcing yourself to talk to someone, well done. Because if you focus on the feeling you get afterwards - the sense of accomplishment, that can lift your spirits sky-high!
You CAN do it! <3
Rollo May was a proponent of existentialist psychotherapy. The existentialists believed that life is essentially meaningless anyway. For me, the ability to construct that future therefore comes from finding something meaningful to do in life - and that, I've found, has to be something that's outside of myself. My work, in special needs care, helps tremendously in that respect. Being able to do something useful for other vulnerable people, and getting a positive response from them. It also brings something out of me, too. It took me a long time to find that place. I think if I was stuck in an office again now, doing nothing except helping to improve profit margins for some faceless organisation, I'd struggle. Sometimes, you have to look really hard to find that meaning, and sometimes it's found in unexpected places. Growing up, I would never have dreamed of doing something like this for a living. I initially came into it following a quadruple-whammy of major life events that almost did for me: my father's death, my divorce, moving home and losing my job - all in the space of a few months. This just happened to be waiting there for me, just when I most needed it. I got very close to the edge, and was suicidal with fear on the night before I first started in care work. The crisis team came out that night. Next day, though, my new life began. I'm not superstitious or a fatalist, but I'm a great believer that the right thing will often reveal itself at the time when it's most needed.
Good info. Tom!