Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I am so fed up of reading about how great and special it is to have Asperger's. How it means you have special talents and oh how you have so much potential to be amazing and that you'll have a wonderful life once you figure it all out and just accept who you are- your amazing ASD potential.
Can we talk about the tragic/dark side hardly anyone - especially the media - want to talk about.Tony Attwood touched on some things but even then in one of his videos he too talks about how amazing it is to have Asperger's. I can't believe it's just me who feels it's a travesty. As far as I'm concerned there is a reason it's called a 'disorder' for me it is, it is not a 'condition'. It's ruined my life. It's the reason I've failed at everything I've tried to achieve. It's living in a prison in your brain and your body. That prison is this 'block' that's been there my whole life. It's knowing you do indeed have great potential but that block which is your prison stops this ever progressing. So everyday, your'e dragged around by this brain and body that just wants to keep you in the same old routines and patterns over and over again. Looking outside of your prison window onto a world around you that you'll never be part of and a world that will never be able to see you in your prison. I grew up thinking I was just a bit stupid but now I know what that 'block' has been all my life in terms of trying to learn and understand. I later on in life wondered if I had some kind of learning disability when I was of the maturity to realise this wasn't actually plain stupidity.
I've lived my entire life seeing my 3 other siblings all have the lives I've tried desperately to have myself and never been able to achieve. Never actually knowing what it feels like to experience happiness, contentment, peace, satisfaction, fulfilment, meaning. I'm a pessimist I admit but my pessimism is all logic to me and I find it hard to see (in fact, can't) how anyone can see the world we live in in any other way. I've asked myself and professionals if this is depression. When I read Rollo May's famous quote that 'Depression is an inability to construct a future' that instantly made me realise therein was the problem for me. I have an inability to even think about a 'future' so how could I possibly be able to construct one? In one sentence my entire life's difficulties had an explanation.
I was told by the team involved in my assessment and diagnosis this is a very common ASD difficulty but they relate it to the imagination, how can you construct a future if you can't imagine it I think is the theory. But how do we know if it's depression or the lack of imagination? I'm not sure if it's possible to have depression your entire life. So my trail of tragedy and missed opportunities (the latter of which ironically I can only now see looking back) has a name called Asperger's Syndrome and I don't even understand where that may have been the reason for some of this.
I even wondered if I was schizophrenic or had a split personality because I couldn't explain this way of being, of feeling I'm trapped inside my brain and body that just drags me around with it all the while me being absolutely powerless to change it, to do anything about it.
It's a living hell and an absolute travesty of a life. There is not one day goes by without me crying. Life = just waiting to die. I can't even kill myself because this body and brain won't allow it.
This is what having Asperger's Syndrome is like for me.
Hey NAS I totally get this!
I have been dismissed from jobs, because the staff don't like me, find me unpredictable and even because I spoke my mind. Now, every time my boss calls me into her office, as innocent as it may be, it makes me shake. I will have an urge to go to the loo, even though I've just been and I run through what I could have done that could've called this meeting, and what I can do to try and get out of it. Staff have told me when I'm in this state that I'm not 'with it' and look clammy and pale. I hate living like this, and building my confidence back up is super hard. I have to tell myself that it's OK, even if the worst happens - I get the sack, it's really not that bad as I have a union and a good qualification to fall back on.
But then when I'm IN that meeting, my boss just wants to know how I'm doing, or a clarification on a particular thing, even to congratulate me on my work. Only once has she told me off, and it was actually OK. I said the mistake I made wouldn't happen again, and I am anal enough to ensure it bloody won't happen again!
I'm 30 and finally have a job in which I'm able to take agency over, to be independent rather than someone looming over me. In my last school I worked at 4 months ago, I was the TA in a team of 4 working with severely disabled children. And because I needed to double check things with the teacher, and the predictability of some children made me unsure, she didn't let me work with a child whom I was able to manage perfectly well, her words were "Hannah can't manage that child... *name of staff*, you can take it over instead." It made me feel underappreciated, and not long after, I left.
People can be so cruel, I was bullied in primary, and when I left for 6th form college in my final year I was teased by my 'friends' and FAILED every single A level. But even with this, I still got into my University of first choice - Birmingham Uni, 2008. I felt elated, that someone was giving me a chance. I got my FdA, and even though I didn't complete my final year, I started it last year in 2018. I'm now completing my degree about children with Downs' Sydrome! The university have been great!
I feel very emotional writing this, because even though my work life has been fairly disastrous, until this year, I'm doing what every other person can do. It's taken me 10 years to be able to do my degree, but I'm DOING IT ON MY OWN. I was told I'd need a carer all my life by Doctors and psychiatrists, I've lived on my own - I'm DOING it!
Asperger's is NOT easy to live with, but when I get through those hurdles or milestones, I feel SO happy because I know I can do more, and I feel like saying "F*** you societal norms, I am DOING it despite you!". The days I want to cry because I don't understand some jokes or sarcasm and people roll their eyes and say "Hannah, you're so simple/dumb/silly" or even "HOW can you not understand??" I reflect back on what I HAVE accomplished.
So I say to you NAS, even if it's going to the shops, or attending a party or forcing yourself to talk to someone, well done. Because if you focus on the feeling you get afterwards - the sense of accomplishment, that can lift your spirits sky-high!
You CAN do it! <3
Thanks Hannah, that was really inspiring to read. And well done you