Mother’s Day

I'm done with Christmas Cards Two parts to this so: 1. for most of my life I struggled with this, sometimes I rebelled and didn't get stuff, other years I buckled and did get stuff (thus confusing my family totally as I constantly wrong-footed them on the reciprocal nature of gift-giving). I hated the scheduling element of it - like pressure to remember a date and take appropriate action. I resented the intrusion of it all. The first time I know it's my birthday is when someone rings me up to wish me a happy one, I couldn't understand why NTs get so aerated about it and couldn't understand why we all waste money buying each other badly chosen gifts because although we grew up together we really don't know anything about each others' lives and tastes and I really can't be on top of a bunch of random dates in my head. We'd be better off just buying ourselves things we actually want.

Then somewhere in my 50s I started to earn somewhat better and also I think I just started to accept that NTs are as they are and I care about some of them. So I added birthdays etc to my work calendar - this miraculously solved the problem as it just entered a pragmatic universe of project management. Somewhere in late November my diary pings out a Christmas reminder, I pick out presents for a shortlist of people I give a crap about and who will be unhappy if I don't give them a present, have them wrapped and sent by Amazon, then I update and print out a standard label sheet, slap them onto envelopes, write Merry Christmas on cards and stuff the envelopes. The whole operation takes less than a couple of hours and solves all the guilt, resentment and intrusion. NTs needs are met, and I feel unmolested by guilty misery. Mothers day I send interflora, birthdays also Amazon. What I'm going to do when I stop working and can't afford to use these services is slightly mysterious but it'll still be driven by a pinging calendar.

2. Narcissistic mother - check! I've realised that actually all she's bothered about is the appearance of the thing and it takes me literally 2 minutes to respond to a calendar ping with interflora so that she can tell her church friends about. Again, no longer tortured by guilt and indecision, don't care if it's a made-up festival designed to fleece me of the interflora fee - I'm paying for quiet nerves. Also my father used to call me just before mother's day with a 3-line whip to get her something - I've lost him and now it feels like something I do in his memory.

I'm really fond of my sister and my son and an NT friend and I take care to try to find them things that will symbolise 'knowing' them. Given that I bore myself silly dangling a fake mouse on a string for 5 minutes twice a day as my cat needs the stimulation, so I can send an NT a card on a particular date because they need the recognition. Honestly, I think these days I regard NTs as another species like cats - one doesn't share the need to chase a fake mouse on a piece of string but can abstractly appreciate the requirements of a cat's evolutionary design and provide for its emotional needs. My AS best friend and I obviously don't bother exchanging gifts or cards except on the rare occasion that I randomly see something that he needs or wants and just get it whenever I see it. I find giving things pleasurable when there's no pressure.

I'm extremely peripheral to my family, even growing up, and it often seems bizarre to bother to comply with these rituals when, really, I don't think people are really bothered about me and probably think my choice of presents is risible - but complying reduces the wear and tear on my own nerves significantly and also tends to make my family be nicer to me - I'm guessing because, for them, it is evidence of caring. I don't bother asking myself what the point is any more or rail against the uncomfortable compulsory and consumerist element. I'm just tired of feeling horrible about it so designed a pragmatic compromise. And with people you care about, although it doesn't come naturally, it can be really sweet to have these random sentimental interludes.

I can't believe that I haven't replied to your post - I'm so sorry!

I *think* that I possibly shied away from doing so because I felt my conscience being pricked by feeling that I "should" be taking the same pragmatic approach that you take, which is actually almost 100% the approach that I had previously adopted for about a decade.

I agree so much that we should simply buy ourselves the stuff that we want. Years ago I realised that my disposable income meant that if there was anything I wanted, I had either already bought it or it was too expensive to be covered by a typical birthday gift budget - so that left almost nothing in the intersection of "affordable enough for a birthday gift" and "something that I'd be overjoyed to receive". And the same logic applied to people I am expected to send gifts to as well.

I think that what's additionally troubling me now is around acceptance of the fact that I really don't adore my parents as much as I thought I did or think I "should" and there's actually a lot of anger there that gets in the way of me following a mechanical approach to calendar days.

Anyway this year I told her  that sending cards etc. causes me huge stress (true) and in future I'll be sending birthday and Xmas gifts only.

I can't believe that I haven't replied to your post - I'm so sorry!

I *think* that I possibly shied away from doing so because I felt my conscience being pricked by feeling that I "should" be taking the same pragmatic approach that you take, which is actually almost 100% the approach that I had previously adopted for about a decade.

I agree so much that we should simply buy ourselves the stuff that we want. Years ago I realised that my disposable income meant that if there was anything I wanted, I had either already bought it or it was too expensive to be covered by a typical birthday gift budget - so that left almost nothing in the intersection of "affordable enough for a birthday gift" and "something that I'd be overjoyed to receive". And the same logic applied to people I am expected to send gifts to as well.

I think that what's additionally troubling me now is around acceptance of the fact that I really don't adore my parents as much as I thought I did or think I "should" and there's actually a lot of anger there that gets in the way of me following a mechanical approach to calendar days.

Anyway this year I told her  that sending cards etc. causes me huge stress (true) and in future I'll be sending birthday and Xmas gifts only.

Oh God, never meant to make anyone feel they should act as I do! I've mellowed hugely now that I'm heading for 'elderly' - also I found that knowing I'm ND makes it much easier for me to accept NTs (especially if the NT's in question make an effort to understand me!)