Mother’s Day

Oh God, never meant to make anyone feel they should act as I do! I've mellowed hugely now that I'm heading for 'elderly' - also I found that knowing I'm ND makes it much easier for me to accept NTs (especially if the NT's in question make an effort to understand me!)

When I was about 9 I remember being "sent" to the local shop to buy a Christmas card for my mum (by *her*, I think) and when I got back and gave it to her, she tore into me because I had mistakenly bought a birthday card.

This seems such a weird memory and I'm sure I'm getting some details wrong, but there was definitely a trip alone to the shop, buying a card for my mum and then me being made to feel silly for getting the wrong sort.

I can't believe that I haven't replied to your post - I'm so sorry!

I *think* that I possibly shied away from doing so because I felt my conscience being pricked by feeling that I "should" be taking the same pragmatic approach that you take, which is actually almost 100% the approach that I had previously adopted for about a decade.

I agree so much that we should simply buy ourselves the stuff that we want. Years ago I realised that my disposable income meant that if there was anything I wanted, I had either already bought it or it was too expensive to be covered by a typical birthday gift budget - so that left almost nothing in the intersection of "affordable enough for a birthday gift" and "something that I'd be overjoyed to receive". And the same logic applied to people I am expected to send gifts to as well.

I think that what's additionally troubling me now is around acceptance of the fact that I really don't adore my parents as much as I thought I did or think I "should" and there's actually a lot of anger there that gets in the way of me following a mechanical approach to calendar days.

Anyway this year I told her  that sending cards etc. causes me huge stress (true) and in future I'll be sending birthday and Xmas gifts only.

I'm done with Christmas Cards Two parts to this so: 1. for most of my life I struggled with this, sometimes I rebelled and didn't get stuff, other years I buckled and did get stuff (thus confusing my family totally as I constantly wrong-footed them on the reciprocal nature of gift-giving). I hated the scheduling element of it - like pressure to remember a date and take appropriate action. I resented the intrusion of it all. The first time I know it's my birthday is when someone rings me up to wish me a happy one, I couldn't understand why NTs get so aerated about it and couldn't understand why we all waste money buying each other badly chosen gifts because although we grew up together we really don't know anything about each others' lives and tastes and I really can't be on top of a bunch of random dates in my head. We'd be better off just buying ourselves things we actually want.

Then somewhere in my 50s I started to earn somewhat better and also I think I just started to accept that NTs are as they are and I care about some of them. So I added birthdays etc to my work calendar - this miraculously solved the problem as it just entered a pragmatic universe of project management. Somewhere in late November my diary pings out a Christmas reminder, I pick out presents for a shortlist of people I give a crap about and who will be unhappy if I don't give them a present, have them wrapped and sent by Amazon, then I update and print out a standard label sheet, slap them onto envelopes, write Merry Christmas on cards and stuff the envelopes. The whole operation takes less than a couple of hours and solves all the guilt, resentment and intrusion. NTs needs are met, and I feel unmolested by guilty misery. Mothers day I send interflora, birthdays also Amazon. What I'm going to do when I stop working and can't afford to use these services is slightly mysterious but it'll still be driven by a pinging calendar.

2. Narcissistic mother - check! I've realised that actually all she's bothered about is the appearance of the thing and it takes me literally 2 minutes to respond to a calendar ping with interflora so that she can tell her church friends about. Again, no longer tortured by guilt and indecision, don't care if it's a made-up festival designed to fleece me of the interflora fee - I'm paying for quiet nerves. Also my father used to call me just before mother's day with a 3-line whip to get her something - I've lost him and now it feels like something I do in his memory.

I'm really fond of my sister and my son and an NT friend and I take care to try to find them things that will symbolise 'knowing' them. Given that I bore myself silly dangling a fake mouse on a string for 5 minutes twice a day as my cat needs the stimulation, so I can send an NT a card on a particular date because they need the recognition. Honestly, I think these days I regard NTs as another species like cats - one doesn't share the need to chase a fake mouse on a piece of string but can abstractly appreciate the requirements of a cat's evolutionary design and provide for its emotional needs. My AS best friend and I obviously don't bother exchanging gifts or cards except on the rare occasion that I randomly see something that he needs or wants and just get it whenever I see it. I find giving things pleasurable when there's no pressure.

I'm extremely peripheral to my family, even growing up, and it often seems bizarre to bother to comply with these rituals when, really, I don't think people are really bothered about me and probably think my choice of presents is risible - but complying reduces the wear and tear on my own nerves significantly and also tends to make my family be nicer to me - I'm guessing because, for them, it is evidence of caring. I don't bother asking myself what the point is any more or rail against the uncomfortable compulsory and consumerist element. I'm just tired of feeling horrible about it so designed a pragmatic compromise. And with people you care about, although it doesn't come naturally, it can be really sweet to have these random sentimental interludes.

P.S. I'm Done With Christmas Cards, I dislike Christmas and send about six cards every year. That's the minimum I can get away with.

On friday I went in sainsburys and seeing all the MOTHERS DAY sections selling chocolates, DVDs etc I assumed that today, sunday 24th, must be the big day. I bought my Mum some flowers and egg custards. She likes flowers and egg custards. My family thought it was a hoot that I got the wrong day and my Mum gets to celebrate two Mothers Days this year so I suppose that's sort of a happy ending.   

I'm right with you, Trainspotter.  Do what you can, while you can.  When she is no longer there, you will continue to honour her life in your own way.  What you put in is what you take out.

I will send my Mum a card for Mothering Sunday.

My mother is in her nineties.  She is on her own, all her sisters have predeceased her, (she had four) and she has little contact with her brothers (three of them).  She very rarely goes out of the house and if it were not for visits from my me, my sister and my brother, she would see no one at all from one week to the next.  So a card is little to pay for the joy it gives her, whatever my feelings are in such matters.

I always think that putting something of yourself into such things is far more appreciated.  Making a card or giving flowers grown in my garden, or potted up from bulbs and (hopefully) coming into bloom at the appropriate time.  I have given my Mum hyacinths for the past more than fifty years. 

And that is only going to stop when I no longer have a mother.

That’s funny and would be true for me if only I bought into all that reciprocal stuff. 

I just remembered how *much* I relate to Sheldon Cooper's views on gifts! (Big Bang Theory if you haven't seen it).

Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.
Howard: Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.

Haha your last sentence! :-)

I'm the same now.  No presents at Christmas or birthdays.  I do send cards, though, on those occasions.  The presents thing is a conditioned expectation, I always think.  I'll give a spontaneous gift to someone if I feel like it, but never because it's 'expected' as a custom.  It all feels a bit empty and meaningless if done in that way.  Similarly, I don't feel comfortable receiving gifts if they're given out of custom, rather than genuinely given.  Quite often, people I didn't see from one year's end to the next would buy me things at Christmas that I had no use for.  The charity shops always did quite well out of me in the New Year.

I always bought nice gifts for my mother when she was alive, though - because she was so special to me, and I wanted her to have nice things that she could treasure.  I didn't need to give them to her for her to know that I loved her, though.  And last Christmas I gave a gift to her sister - someone I'd never bought a Christmas gift for before.  It was only because I was traveling to visit her, though.  It was a candid photograph I'd taken of her and mum a couple of summers before mum passed away.  It was taken on a special happy day they'd spent together - one of the last they shared.  I framed it in a beautiful frame that I bought for just a small amount in a charity shop.  She was over the moon with it.  And it was special for her, as I know how much she misses mum.  As do I. This Mother's Day, I'll visit the spot where mum's ashes are scattered and say a few words to her, as I do each week. I usually take a rubbish sack with me and tidy the area up if it needs it, to keep it special.

Next week is World Autism Awareness Week.  I see that cards are available for that, too...

I don’t send cards, unless I feel like it, which isn’t very often and I don’t buy presents etc for Christmas or birthdays, unless again, I feel moved to. My son is horrified that I don’t buy presents for the kids at Christmas and birthdays so he actually buys presents and pretends they’re from me! People still buy me gifts and cards and I accept that now, and they accept that I don’t buy cards and presents, except my son when it comes to the kids, but that’s his problem, not mine. I love my mother dearly and don’t feel the need to wait until Mother’s Day to let her know. I treat her when I feel like it or when I see something I know she’ll like or like to do. But it’s the same with anything, I don’t do anything I don’t want to do and only do what I love to do. I like to keep things simple because my mind can complicate even the simplest of things so keeping it simple works for me. 

I enjoy receiving gifts and cards and think it’s a lovely way to show love, gratitude and appreciation but I don’t run on the masses rhythm of life so Mother’s Day etc might not come on a convenient day for me but if it did, I would happily buy gifts and cards. I think it’s a lovely way to show love and appreciation and I do it, but at times that seem random to other people. For example, I’m about to send a card of gratitude and appreciation to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me and to let him know how well I’m doing and that I have at least 18 months of weekly support now. I’m also going to send a card to the lady who works at the council who used to give me food stamps. I want to thank her and let her know how much they helped and how I don’t need them now. I like sending cards, letters and gifts to show my appreciation. It gives me as much pleasure to send as it does to receive and if some people need a special day to remind them of how special some people are to them, then I’m all for it. 

Hallmark Day. 

Guilted into wasting a ton of cash on overpriced flowers/chocolates and a ludicrously priced bit of card.   I hate all these things too.  We've always encouraged our daughter not to bother - and to show appreciation of people close to her at other times when she's not getting fleeced - but only if she really wants to.

I always remember my mother treating it like a second birthday and my narcissistic sister always trying to out-do everyone to prove her 'love'.  Weird.

Oh YEAH - Mothers, Fathers, Easter, Christmas and Valentines day = buy some cards/stamps and send them off to who you want (or eggs for easter/presents for Christmas).

It is now all about shops wanting our money. I even get told others do not like me celebrating a death anniversary - FFS if you don't agree then don't have a cake/chocolate then.