Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else get this feeling? I don't know how much of this is related to ASD, but I suspect that alexithymia plays a part and ASD to the extent that I feel unable to access the joy that NTs seem to be able to get in later life from "friends, family, relationships & experiences".
I know I've bored & troubled my wife with it for ages now, and it was feelings like this plus high stress plus -I believe - masking on steroids for 40 years, that drove me to burnout in 2017, something I'm still recovering from though I'd say I'm about 80% recovered.
The feeling stems, ironically, from being relatively successful in my career and earning an above-average salary. Hence the default expectation of everyone around me has been that I am the wage earner, the provider, and it's all on me. That's the practical side, which is bad enough; I feel trapped in the hamster wheel.
Then there's the emotional side, which must be connected to this. It's my job to express love to my wife, keep her happy, support her through her troubles, give her gifts etc. I'm failing if I don't do that well. It's my job to keep my parents - especially my mother - happy; she needs to feel wanted / needed & loved. I'm failing if I don't do that well. It's my job to keep my (grown-up) children happy; provide for them financially where I can (this is now historic only), be there emotionally when they need support, help them feel loved and supported, probably visit them more than I do. I'm failing if I don't do that well.
Who's providing for *me*? Who's helping *me* feel loved?
In my darker times I simply feel that I've had enough. I would have happily retired in my early 40s but we pushed on and got a bigger house and mortgage and I threw my teddies out by getting a gambling addiction. Thankfully (and this is massive) I have beaten that, but the things that led me there, i.e. - I believe - the things above, give or take, haven't changed.
OK my children have grown and I'm no longer "in demand" for lifts and meal cooking / takeaways all the time. I have a fantastic relationship with my wife and we talk stuff like this over often, in both directions. A year ago I reduced my hours to 30 per week - which is a massive privilege to be able to do. We both run at least 5k a week, and we now go powerlifting together (which is a joy) and there are clearly goals to be had there. I take antidepressants, which help. I've also given myself permission to opt out of those things which previously drove me insane with stress (including, though it might sound trivial, sending Christmas cards).
But I still feel knackered and lifeless.
You've done exactly the same thing as me.
I spent my life driven by the compulsion to 'do the right thing' with no-one else noticing the massive effort and the sacrifices I was making to enable everyone else's life. I minimised my needs and made everything wonderful for those around me. I spent years doing without to make sure everyone's needs were met and their dreams fulfilled. I minimised myself out of my own life.
It never occured to me that I was the only one doing this and everyone else are fundamentally selfish and self absorbed and they don't bother measuring the happiness of those around them.
I was stupid.
I should have been a selfish ba***** like everyone else.
Heh - some of that, yes. I remember a decade ago wife & kids complaining that I wouldn't compromise to find a joint activity that everyone liked for a day out, and I explained that I *had* compromised, but that no-one saw it because I did my compromising before I said what I wanted; what I agreed to was *already* a compromise and my real preference never got aired. As another example, I would never suggest watching a movie I wanted to see, because I knew I'd be going alone. So I didn't bother suggesting it in the first place; compromise done before speaking.
The thing I'm clinging on to now is this; ruffling feathers in this life is better than giving up on life. So "no more Christmas cards" is my motto, which stands for a lot of other stuff that's coming :-). I'm 52 and the rest of my life will be on my terms.
Forgive my ignorance, but is some of this an outcome from having children? I don't intend to have children, for many reasons, but a huge one is I am far too selfish. I don't want to live my life through someone else. (As a side point I almost always go to the cinema on on my own because no one wants to see the film's I want to see)
I wonder if there's something about the flow state of riding (especially advanced, as I did) and the *solitude* that appeals to ASD people?
I got my Astra from an old bloke with crazy low miles on it - it's immaculate and fully loaded - climate, cruise, auto, etc. I'd have to spend a lot of money to get something better - it's tight like a new car. It's quite possibly the most satisfying car I've ever owned - all for £500
Former Member Could have done this or that - - I'm in my 50s but my health is poor. I struggle daily. Starting a new life is not possible any more. The encephalitis a few years ago put paid to that.
Cool!! Mine's a 20 year old Xantia, which I love (I don't just keep it because it's cheap)
I've done loads of those too (I couldn't justify a new car so I bought cheap classics). I've had TVRs, MGBGT, GT6, Spitfire, Fiat X1/9, Lotus Excel etc etc. My daily driver is a 17-year old Astra.
I've tried that, explaining very plainly "I can't cope", "I simply cannot handle all of the things that people expect to pile onto me without breaking" .... which I think should be plain enough. It made no difference whatsoever. I got no help from anyone!
there's a solution for that - get a classic. They are so much fun to drive and often increase in value rather than decrease. My daily is a 20 year old simple beastie, and my weekend toy a 40 year old Yank Tank!
I can't help but read into this thread that you're all in the mindset that "I could have done this" or that, as if in your 50's somehow your life is finished. In my book you're just half way through! Why not do some of those things you feel you've missed out on? Another thread in this is the pressure you put yourself under to cope, expecting other people to notice you need help. I am the worst at this. But it's important to realise if you look like you're coping, people won't question that you aren't. You do have to explain, using words (again I am the worst at this) that actually you do need help, or at least support.
I've had a bunch of cars too - but I can't do it now - that 'meh' feeling too.. That millisecond as you bump down into the road outside the dealer means you've just burned 15k - and that money can do soooo much more than make the dealer happy. I like to squeeze the maximum fun from every penny these days.
he he another biker - seems there are a lot of us on here. Big shiny Harley is my thing :-)
True. Though I’ve also discovered that even having expensive toys is “meh”. I’ve had a brand new Merc and ran a big BMW motorbike at the same time (so could legitimately wake up in the morning and say “Hmmmm, Merc or BMW today?”). When I finally gave up motor biking I was riding a brand new Honda Fireblade (1000cc, 0-60 in less than 3 seconds and I did it regularly).
I've earned a LOT of money. Even struggling against the flow I have a large house in a prime area (I could be standing in Euston in 25mins) and I retired out in 2015. I've done some amazing things in my life but it could have been so much more FUN and so much less stress.
True, but pretending to have no needs so that they can't abuse you will only take you so far. Once the total lack of help and take-take-take from those around you hits crisis point, you have a weakness whether you like it or not ... well, that's my experience anyway!
You made me laugh with your comments to CC - if I had spent all the money I've earned over the years on myself, I'd be driving a Ferrari by now :-D
The problem was that I was able to cope - so I just got more loaded on to me - until my body finally intervened and my health collapsed. Also, needs are a weakness to be abused by people. Having no needs is a good armour.
48 year old burned out female :-) Yes, I agree on the doing the right thing. Even if it's at personal cost. For my part, I don't think I like to admit weakness (and I don't see myself as a weak person), with the unfortunate effect that I tend to be in denial about my lack of ability to cope, until it reaches crisis point.
Christmas Cards: Yes - I look at my life too and can't decide if I should have led the single life. I've earned a bucket full of cash in my working life and most has been squandered by idiots around me. I could have led a fantastic life on my own.
Hi moggsy - I'm a 53-year old burned-out male. I think it's very much an autie-thing to do the right thing.
Likewise I can identify with what you're saying here. On occasion that I've stressed myself to the max to meet my parents' expectations, I've had exactly the "Oh but we were so pleased that you seemed to have everything under control and time for us." response. "No" is now becoming my favourite word!
Wow, that sucks. May I ask, are you male or female? Just out of interest .... as I did wonder whether the trying to make it nice for everyone else was a female nurturing thing! Aspie lady here btw.
I think that sometimes perhaps we're too careful, often in order to avoid things descending into chaos (financial or otherwise) and end up making martyrs of ourselves as a result!
There's no denying that having children places significant demands on home life & is something I'd ponder for much, much longer if I had my time again. In my 20s I rushed into what I thought was the standard model of life & only decades later realised that I had had other options and not as many obligations as I had imagined. For example I could have pursued life as a single person in my university town rather than rush into a relationship in my home town, and lived an economical & self-centred (& hedonistic!) single life for much longer. Who knows where that would have led.
I certainly (in common with my wife) don't like young children & never have (though I got some joy out of parenting my own - alongside a lot of stress!).