Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else get this feeling? I don't know how much of this is related to ASD, but I suspect that alexithymia plays a part and ASD to the extent that I feel unable to access the joy that NTs seem to be able to get in later life from "friends, family, relationships & experiences".
I know I've bored & troubled my wife with it for ages now, and it was feelings like this plus high stress plus -I believe - masking on steroids for 40 years, that drove me to burnout in 2017, something I'm still recovering from though I'd say I'm about 80% recovered.
The feeling stems, ironically, from being relatively successful in my career and earning an above-average salary. Hence the default expectation of everyone around me has been that I am the wage earner, the provider, and it's all on me. That's the practical side, which is bad enough; I feel trapped in the hamster wheel.
Then there's the emotional side, which must be connected to this. It's my job to express love to my wife, keep her happy, support her through her troubles, give her gifts etc. I'm failing if I don't do that well. It's my job to keep my parents - especially my mother - happy; she needs to feel wanted / needed & loved. I'm failing if I don't do that well. It's my job to keep my (grown-up) children happy; provide for them financially where I can (this is now historic only), be there emotionally when they need support, help them feel loved and supported, probably visit them more than I do. I'm failing if I don't do that well.
Who's providing for *me*? Who's helping *me* feel loved?
In my darker times I simply feel that I've had enough. I would have happily retired in my early 40s but we pushed on and got a bigger house and mortgage and I threw my teddies out by getting a gambling addiction. Thankfully (and this is massive) I have beaten that, but the things that led me there, i.e. - I believe - the things above, give or take, haven't changed.
OK my children have grown and I'm no longer "in demand" for lifts and meal cooking / takeaways all the time. I have a fantastic relationship with my wife and we talk stuff like this over often, in both directions. A year ago I reduced my hours to 30 per week - which is a massive privilege to be able to do. We both run at least 5k a week, and we now go powerlifting together (which is a joy) and there are clearly goals to be had there. I take antidepressants, which help. I've also given myself permission to opt out of those things which previously drove me insane with stress (including, though it might sound trivial, sending Christmas cards).
But I still feel knackered and lifeless.
You've done exactly the same thing as me.
I spent my life driven by the compulsion to 'do the right thing' with no-one else noticing the massive effort and the sacrifices I was making to enable everyone else's life. I minimised my needs and made everything wonderful for those around me. I spent years doing without to make sure everyone's needs were met and their dreams fulfilled. I minimised myself out of my own life.
It never occured to me that I was the only one doing this and everyone else are fundamentally selfish and self absorbed and they don't bother measuring the happiness of those around them.
I was stupid.
I should have been a selfish ba***** like everyone else.
Heh - some of that, yes. I remember a decade ago wife & kids complaining that I wouldn't compromise to find a joint activity that everyone liked for a day out, and I explained that I *had* compromised, but that no-one saw it because I did my compromising before I said what I wanted; what I agreed to was *already* a compromise and my real preference never got aired. As another example, I would never suggest watching a movie I wanted to see, because I knew I'd be going alone. So I didn't bother suggesting it in the first place; compromise done before speaking.
The thing I'm clinging on to now is this; ruffling feathers in this life is better than giving up on life. So "no more Christmas cards" is my motto, which stands for a lot of other stuff that's coming :-). I'm 52 and the rest of my life will be on my terms.
Forgive my ignorance, but is some of this an outcome from having children? I don't intend to have children, for many reasons, but a huge one is I am far too selfish. I don't want to live my life through someone else. (As a side point I almost always go to the cinema on on my own because no one wants to see the film's I want to see)
It's a bit of a bummer trying to cram a life into the small spaces when my body is functioning. I get to spend a lot of time sleeping while it recovers from exertions.
Just another challenge in life.
Sorry to hear that, Plastic. It must be really difficult living with chronic illness.
I agree it's made harder when you are not sure what you should be feeling / what your feelings actually are. I can identify with that too.
And thank you for the nice and most interesting discussion!
Good tip - also heard this one: say "I get to" instead of "I have to". I tried it the other day when sweeping up leaves on the patio and it worked. Remember when we were kids and would have jumped at the chance to have a go with the broom?
Yes I have experienced joyful moments but need to restore the balance somehow. Alexithymia doesn't help & I'm convinced I have it.
Thank you :-)
Anyway, going back to your original point, it sounds like the necessities of life have sucked the joy out of it. You clearly do get joy from things, as you have described above (a small thing, but one that makes you smile), but I think it's easy to lose sight of that amongst the mundane requirements of life.
My psychologist had some good advice: try to balance each thing that you ought to do with something that you'd like to do. Not always possible to make it one for one of course, but I have found trying to even out the shoulds with the likes has improved my outlook on things. It also helps in making you feel like you are excercising some choice, rather than just constantly having other people's wishes imposed upon you.
For sure. As well as bends I really liked left turns into side roads! Getting IPSGA right .....turn coming / who's around? / indicate? / choose position (safety-stability-view) / brake / gear-gear-gear / lean in / accelerate / gear - gear - gear / smile. :-)
But I lost enthusiasm for it as rapidly as it arrived, and decided to use that as an opportunity to close off the risk of something expensive and painful happening & move on to other things. Losing a lot to my gambling habit weighed into the decision too. But overall, I'm happy to have quit on a high (or just after).
I reckon so .... also the precision of it. Being at one with your bike, not having to talk to anyone, the joy of swinging through some bends at one with the world. Actually probably the only time I feel at one with the world.
Downsizing - yep, this is another topic which may be a partial answer to my troubles. The question is "when", I think.
I'm now feeling *really* guilty at the privileged position I have to even be able to consider this, and to have funded the expensive hobbies that I've had, when I know that others here are struggling at all ages to live on benefits. That doesn't invalidate my pain though, I guess.
although they are prone to catching fire, apparently!!
I like simple too - We're probably downsizing in a couple of years and I'm looking at getting a Scimitar - mega simple, fibreglass, v6 Ford so bulletproof - and no tax.
Mmmmhmmm. I've never loved a car as much as I first loved the 10-year old mini convertible that I drive now.
Sound observation. In my case though triggered only by your question about having kids causing me to reflect on life. I've learned properly (i.e. in my heart as well as head) that the past is genuinely immutable and the present and future is the only thing worth concentrating on, my trouble here is I can't quite define what would bring me fulfilment and happiness. All I know is that I'm fed up with working to pay the bills but I know that we all have to so I feel bad about thinking that!
Sounds great. I also know from the tales my OH comes home with (he's a mechanic) that modern cars have so much electronic junk on them that they are a nightmare half the time. Whereas ours probably have only what they actually need and are therefore far, far easier to maintain and to diagnose should a problem arise.
I wonder if there's something about the flow state of riding (especially advanced, as I did) and the *solitude* that appeals to ASD people?
I got my Astra from an old bloke with crazy low miles on it - it's immaculate and fully loaded - climate, cruise, auto, etc. I'd have to spend a lot of money to get something better - it's tight like a new car. It's quite possibly the most satisfying car I've ever owned - all for £500
Former Member Could have done this or that - - I'm in my 50s but my health is poor. I struggle daily. Starting a new life is not possible any more. The encephalitis a few years ago put paid to that.
Cool!! Mine's a 20 year old Xantia, which I love (I don't just keep it because it's cheap)
I've done loads of those too (I couldn't justify a new car so I bought cheap classics). I've had TVRs, MGBGT, GT6, Spitfire, Fiat X1/9, Lotus Excel etc etc. My daily driver is a 17-year old Astra.
I've tried that, explaining very plainly "I can't cope", "I simply cannot handle all of the things that people expect to pile onto me without breaking" .... which I think should be plain enough. It made no difference whatsoever. I got no help from anyone!
there's a solution for that - get a classic. They are so much fun to drive and often increase in value rather than decrease. My daily is a 20 year old simple beastie, and my weekend toy a 40 year old Yank Tank!