Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else get this feeling? I don't know how much of this is related to ASD, but I suspect that alexithymia plays a part and ASD to the extent that I feel unable to access the joy that NTs seem to be able to get in later life from "friends, family, relationships & experiences".
I know I've bored & troubled my wife with it for ages now, and it was feelings like this plus high stress plus -I believe - masking on steroids for 40 years, that drove me to burnout in 2017, something I'm still recovering from though I'd say I'm about 80% recovered.
The feeling stems, ironically, from being relatively successful in my career and earning an above-average salary. Hence the default expectation of everyone around me has been that I am the wage earner, the provider, and it's all on me. That's the practical side, which is bad enough; I feel trapped in the hamster wheel.
Then there's the emotional side, which must be connected to this. It's my job to express love to my wife, keep her happy, support her through her troubles, give her gifts etc. I'm failing if I don't do that well. It's my job to keep my parents - especially my mother - happy; she needs to feel wanted / needed & loved. I'm failing if I don't do that well. It's my job to keep my (grown-up) children happy; provide for them financially where I can (this is now historic only), be there emotionally when they need support, help them feel loved and supported, probably visit them more than I do. I'm failing if I don't do that well.
Who's providing for *me*? Who's helping *me* feel loved?
In my darker times I simply feel that I've had enough. I would have happily retired in my early 40s but we pushed on and got a bigger house and mortgage and I threw my teddies out by getting a gambling addiction. Thankfully (and this is massive) I have beaten that, but the things that led me there, i.e. - I believe - the things above, give or take, haven't changed.
OK my children have grown and I'm no longer "in demand" for lifts and meal cooking / takeaways all the time. I have a fantastic relationship with my wife and we talk stuff like this over often, in both directions. A year ago I reduced my hours to 30 per week - which is a massive privilege to be able to do. We both run at least 5k a week, and we now go powerlifting together (which is a joy) and there are clearly goals to be had there. I take antidepressants, which help. I've also given myself permission to opt out of those things which previously drove me insane with stress (including, though it might sound trivial, sending Christmas cards).
But I still feel knackered and lifeless.
You've done exactly the same thing as me.
I spent my life driven by the compulsion to 'do the right thing' with no-one else noticing the massive effort and the sacrifices I was making to enable everyone else's life. I minimised my needs and made everything wonderful for those around me. I spent years doing without to make sure everyone's needs were met and their dreams fulfilled. I minimised myself out of my own life.
It never occured to me that I was the only one doing this and everyone else are fundamentally selfish and self absorbed and they don't bother measuring the happiness of those around them.
I was stupid.
I should have been a selfish ba***** like everyone else.
Heh - some of that, yes. I remember a decade ago wife & kids complaining that I wouldn't compromise to find a joint activity that everyone liked for a day out, and I explained that I *had* compromised, but that no-one saw it because I did my compromising before I said what I wanted; what I agreed to was *already* a compromise and my real preference never got aired. As another example, I would never suggest watching a movie I wanted to see, because I knew I'd be going alone. So I didn't bother suggesting it in the first place; compromise done before speaking.
The thing I'm clinging on to now is this; ruffling feathers in this life is better than giving up on life. So "no more Christmas cards" is my motto, which stands for a lot of other stuff that's coming :-). I'm 52 and the rest of my life will be on my terms.
Forgive my ignorance, but is some of this an outcome from having children? I don't intend to have children, for many reasons, but a huge one is I am far too selfish. I don't want to live my life through someone else. (As a side point I almost always go to the cinema on on my own because no one wants to see the film's I want to see)
It's a bit of a bummer trying to cram a life into the small spaces when my body is functioning. I get to spend a lot of time sleeping while it recovers from exertions.
Just another challenge in life.
Sorry to hear that, Plastic. It must be really difficult living with chronic illness.
I agree it's made harder when you are not sure what you should be feeling / what your feelings actually are. I can identify with that too.
And thank you for the nice and most interesting discussion!