Hi,I've had a lousy day at work today, for no real reason other than the usual tension I feel around people. At my work I'm in a warehouse with another colleague and we've had big arguments in the past and from the experience I find it excruciating to be around them - I feel tension from the moment he walks in the room until I and breath sigh of relief when he is gone. I find i have only a certain amount of tolerance for people and if I end up getting upset too often, i can no longer be open with them about anything - A strong case of Selective Mutism. I really cannot communicate with them in any measure, besides the minimal, mandatory words I need to express over the job itself.The problem is, I can never forgive! Once I've been pushed too far I simply cannot go back to conversing with that person in any manner. So as soon as I have this happen within a working environment it goes downhill and becomes a a very repressed place to be - Which I know I am the main offender in causing such an issue. It's just getting really bad now, tonight the feeling of being just run down and not wanting to be around anyway transitioned into home too - I'm finding just being around people to be very hard work.I'm still waiting on my diagnosis (Been nearly a year now) and I already feel I have plenty of social debilitations - Poor Eye Contact, Narrow Subject Matters of Interest, Confusion on jokes etc. In most of my working experience I can seem normal but the cracks soon begin to show and when it does that's where I struggle - Maintaining Bonds within a working environment is the hardest part of the job for me. It's got to the point where I have no faith in looking for further employment as I feel this problem will effect any future position I obtain.
I can definitely relate to that.
I can barely tolerate any of my colleagues at the moment,. I walked out of a meeting on Monday afternoon because they were all just talking over each other, interrupting etc. I then barely managed the 10 minute meeting first thing Tues morning, and have just nipped in and out of the dept office since to make a cuppa.
Unfortunately I have a 4hr meeting with them all on Monday that I am absolutely dreading.
I definitely relate to that when in the fire (Sat in the desk, surrounded by those I cannot work with, asked to work in something I cannot do without help/support/guidance and not overwhelmed).
Until these NT's actually understand us then the situation is never going to work. They all talk the talk but just do not want to change or walk the walk,
They play a kind of game that we are not involved in... It’s a nuerotypical game and it’s thecsane game that pack animals play.
Chickens play it really well and in fact many of their social ideals have evolved from hens & cocks.
At work it’s a type of Hen Pecking and it’s done in order to sort out social rank. Who ranks highest socially and then the hens will try and get you to follow/copy the cocks. It’s called the Lockstep Strategy and it’s how they climb thier social ladder.
Chickens and in fact all birds are VERY clever too - in the same way the NTs are. I highly rate chickens intellect - LOL.... But I would never expect them to actually understand a single piece of info that is not locked into thier social convention.
I completely relate to this! It’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and has caused me a lot of problems. I’m like you once that trust and communication breaks down I find it so difficult, impossible, to forgive kind of thing and to move on. I’ve been accused of having selective communication problems, as I talk to other people ok. I don’t feel like it’s selective though, the thought of talking even on the most minimal level with someone I’ve had such a breakdown with causes me so much stress and anxiety. It’s hard to explain, because i know it sounds really stupid, and like ‘why can’t you just talk to them?!’ But even just the thought of doing so causes physical and mental stress symptoms. If I work with a good team and good managers I’m an absolutely brilliant employee and will go out of my way to do extra, try really hard, strive for perfection and take so much pride in what I do. But like you this has caused me employment problems And I fear it will affect any future positions.
I asked if other people experienced similar about a month ago. And been reading about how people with autism have a very clear right and wrong view and find it difficult to get over breaches of trust and communication breakdowns.
Plus the NT responses that are so patronising/condescending as if you can change this on your own.
If they did not breach that trust or fail in the management/support/help by just sloping shoulders (do not know how to deal with Neuro Diverse and will not listen to or understand them) then what do you expect?
I had this problem with a manager at my last job - he was a habitual liar and his whole management style was to agree with everything and then never delivered anything. He thought he could just kick every problem down the road and hope that no-one every chased anything.
His strategy worked well with sloppy, forgetful NTs but not with me. He promised all sorts of things and then when I reminded him of his promises, he'd just say we'll get together to discuss it - and then cancel the meeting at the last moment because 'something came up'. These promises were in writing in my perfomance appraisal so he was just being lazy. It got to the point where I just couldn't deal with him as everything that came out of his mouth was a lie.
I hated having to even to speak to him to be polite - everything in my brain was shouting F*** OFF. It was extremely difficult to stop myself saying what was on my mind so I avoided him at all costs.
Exactly. I can't describe why I can't get over such a relationship breakdown, I just know the thought of having to talk to someone I distrust and have had such a breakdown with unbelievably stressful. It's like the room becomes completely crushing, and I need to get out. If I hear 'just play the game' one more time....
That's so annoying. One of the things I can't stand is bad managers. If you're paid to be a manager you should have a basic understanding of managing people. Micromanaging is just control freak insecurity and completely counter productive, incompetence is just incompetence, and shouldn't be tolerated. It's poor management by everyone. The managers themselves and their managers for promoting them and not giving effective management guidance. When I get a bad manager I struggle to even say hello each day...like you, my head is screaming F*** OFF over and over.
I hope you have a better manager now btw!
My relationship with that manager ended when a company director accidentally witnessed how I was being messed around by him and I was immediately removed from the department as a safeguarding issue.