Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,I've had a lousy day at work today, for no real reason other than the usual tension I feel around people. At my work I'm in a warehouse with another colleague and we've had big arguments in the past and from the experience I find it excruciating to be around them - I feel tension from the moment he walks in the room until I and breath sigh of relief when he is gone. I find i have only a certain amount of tolerance for people and if I end up getting upset too often, i can no longer be open with them about anything - A strong case of Selective Mutism. I really cannot communicate with them in any measure, besides the minimal, mandatory words I need to express over the job itself.The problem is, I can never forgive! Once I've been pushed too far I simply cannot go back to conversing with that person in any manner. So as soon as I have this happen within a working environment it goes downhill and becomes a a very repressed place to be - Which I know I am the main offender in causing such an issue. It's just getting really bad now, tonight the feeling of being just run down and not wanting to be around anyway transitioned into home too - I'm finding just being around people to be very hard work.I'm still waiting on my diagnosis (Been nearly a year now) and I already feel I have plenty of social debilitations - Poor Eye Contact, Narrow Subject Matters of Interest, Confusion on jokes etc. In most of my working experience I can seem normal but the cracks soon begin to show and when it does that's where I struggle - Maintaining Bonds within a working environment is the hardest part of the job for me. It's got to the point where I have no faith in looking for further employment as I feel this problem will effect any future position I obtain.
I completely relate to this! It’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and has caused me a lot of problems. I’m like you once that trust and communication breaks down I find it so difficult, impossible, to forgive kind of thing and to move on. I’ve been accused of having selective communication problems, as I talk to other people ok. I don’t feel like it’s selective though, the thought of talking even on the most minimal level with someone I’ve had such a breakdown with causes me so much stress and anxiety. It’s hard to explain, because i know it sounds really stupid, and like ‘why can’t you just talk to them?!’ But even just the thought of doing so causes physical and mental stress symptoms. If I work with a good team and good managers I’m an absolutely brilliant employee and will go out of my way to do extra, try really hard, strive for perfection and take so much pride in what I do. But like you this has caused me employment problems And I fear it will affect any future positions.
I asked if other people experienced similar about a month ago. And been reading about how people with autism have a very clear right and wrong view and find it difficult to get over breaches of trust and communication breakdowns.
Plus the NT responses that are so patronising/condescending as if you can change this on your own.
If they did not breach that trust or fail in the management/support/help by just sloping shoulders (do not know how to deal with Neuro Diverse and will not listen to or understand them) then what do you expect?
Exactly. I can't describe why I can't get over such a relationship breakdown, I just know the thought of having to talk to someone I distrust and have had such a breakdown with unbelievably stressful. It's like the room becomes completely crushing, and I need to get out. If I hear 'just play the game' one more time....