Early stages of dating

Ah it’s good that you’ve already realised that activity based things are the best option. I hope it all goes well and everything works out for you. 

I think doing activity based things is definitely the way to go. Even when we first met he was so nervous around me it made it very hard to get to know him. It was only when I suggested bowling etc for dates he relaxed a bit more. It took about 3 months before it occurred to me that, with all the other signs,  it was more than just being introverted. 

Interested by your experience with your daughter. Mine's never known me have a boyfriend and he's the first person I've liked enough in nearly 8yrs to what to introduce them. At the moment she's not v bothered as she knows he exists but it doesn't impact her world. Will need to be v slow steps for both. I can't imagine we'd live together in any foreseeable future but both ok with that I think.

Mainstream, but looking to work with the Sen children and your right being mum means carrying on no matter what! 

Hazard of being a mother, you have to carry on regardless! I hope the various problems get better soon. The school work sounds good, is that in a mainstream school or SEN?

Yeah it causes me chronic pain and problems walking and moving but can't let that stop me the kids wouldn't allow that! I do 3 hours a week in the local primary school and am using my free time to retrain as a teaching assistant so that when some of the problems get better I can get back to work! 

Oh dear! That doesn't sound like too much fun! Does it cause you a lot of pain? It isn't nice to have anything enforced by illness, such as having to stay home and not work. But, I'm sure that your children are benefitting from having their mummy at home more :-)

It's difficult, starting a new relationship when you already have children, you need someone who not only accepts you and your child as a package but is also able to get on with your children. i was lucky in that when I met my now husband 11 years ago, we both already had children so it made that bit easier. I would say whether or not someone is good with children is more down to individual personality rather whether or not they have Aspergers/ASD. I have Aspergers and I also have 3 daughters who I go above and beyond to ensure that they have the best possible lives, I know other women with ASD who are fantastic mums and I know guys with ASD who don't have children but are still amazing with children. That said I'm sure there are those who would rather avoid children if possible. The same is true of people without ASD, there are those who are brilliant with children and those who would rather avoid them. What I would say is that I personally find that I am better at the more task focused aspects of parenting, I struggle to sit down and play with my children, I force myself to because I know that they need me to but it doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't do pretend play. Perhaps if you start introducing your boyfriend to your daughter, maybe it would be easier for him, and probably your daughter, if there is a 'task' to focus on such as going to the park; exploring the woods; doing crafts. By doing an activity it takes the pressure off of the social interaction side a little bit. Also a word of warning, my eldest daughter was 10 when I got together with my husband, it's an age where they're starting to get a bit more aware and I've had a lot of jealousy between them over the years. The relationship between a daughter and her mum's new boyfriend is renowned for being the most fraught (as opposed to if it were a son or if it were a father's new girlfriend) even without any additional factors to content with. 

Thank you that's very reassuring and he loves being helpful with all the practical stuff. That helps me see how in practical terms things could work really well, thank you.

Probably quicker to list what's not wrong! Three damaged vertebrae, alot of arthritis a spontaneously dislocating shoulder, fibromyalgia, ibs and severe anemia other than that I'm fine!! Just means I have more time at home with the kids x 

Then from what you say, he'll be great with your daughter.  If you can act as interface & buffer so he gets feedback from you that he's doing ok.

I'm very Aspergers so I do all the practical daddy stuff - being the taxi, fixing stuff etc. and my wife does all the soft skills and emotional support.  My daughter talks to me about money, careers etc. and she does all the 'feelings' stuff with my wife.  

We've turned out a very well adjusted young lady currently studying at uni.

He has a niece and nephew of similar age but seems to struggle to relate to them and I know he feels pressure because he wants my daughter to like him as he knows she's my priority over everything . I think it will just be very small doses. 

He came to my new years eve party (10 couples 10 kids) and although more of an observer coped admirably I thought (it was incredibly noisy and chaotic). He has told me he didn't really have friends in childhood but as an adult has worked hard to cope in social situations. He tends to put all his energy into it, enjoy himself and then need his own space/quiet time after. Which i think lots of people are like generally.  My ex belittles most people unfortunately but I doubt they'll be in each other's company for long enough for it to matter too much.

No worries  

I think unfortunately some people just want to pick an argument, I wouldn’t take it personally 

Thank you both, I appreciate your support. I have to admit I didn't come to this forum expecting to be vilified for being a single parent in this day and age!

Hi, I would say that with or without an Aspergers diagnosis, this is how he is. Maybe have a chat with him about what he feels that he can manage in the long term in terms of his anxiety around children?

Exactly! People shouldn’t judge the majority according to the actions of a minority. Everyone has individual circumstances, you don’t know what those circumstances are without asking, you can’t just assume. Sorry to hear you are I’ll. What’s wrong?

I would agree with you there, I was a single mum for 14 years and when I met my partner I supported him for the first 6 years until I got Ill now it's the other way around.

Please don’t judge a woman just for being a single mother. I’ve been a single mother in the past, I worked too whilst also going through higher education so I could get a better job. I was a single mother when I met my now husband, it was me that paid for the house we live in, not him. We’re not all money grabbing gold diggers 

You're welcome.

An additional question for you - as you become an item, it's likely that he will meet your friends and go out on social events with you - how do you think your friends will treat him and will he be comfortable with them?  Will they be unkind if he struggles in high-pressure social settings?  Will your ex belittle/undermine him if he spots any weakness?

Thanks, these are all good questions. He's had 3x2yr relationships and said he ended them but didn't detail why. I agree his straightforwardness is refreshing, I know I can trust him implicitly and there's not a manipulative bone in his body. I am more social than he is but don't see this as a problem as we're comfortable being independent of each other. At this stage the only interaction with my daughter is gradual with a view in the long term of being able to have holidays together etc. Her dad is v much involved in her life so don't want or need a father figure but important to me that my partner can have a positive relationship with her. 

I think this has helped me answer my own question and I just need to be open with him and take things at a pace comfortable for everyone. 

Thank you Plastic for your help.