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Early stages of dating

NAS51381

Hi

I've been dating someone for 5 months who I believe displays some aspergers characteristics and I'm not sure how best to manage the situation. 

He is highly intelligent when it comes to his job (fintech) but completely ignorant about other things I would deem common knowledge. He gets obsessed over certain things, e.g.. will repeat same recipe over and over. His flat is immaculate and contains virtually no personal items ie photos, books, if it doesn't have a function he can't see the point of it. He owns ear defenders to block out noise and gets very agitated if interrupted at work.  He is excruciatingly polite and doesnt do sarcasm/irony. On the flip side, he is very open about his feelings, honest, thoughtful, empathetic, generous and tactile. Without a doubt the kindest man i have ever dated. He acknowledges he's always been different but when I suggested he may have some autistic characteristics he was initially v upset and now makes jokes e.g. well that's probably because I'm autistic. 

My concern is I have a daughter (10) and he is very anxious around children with little to no experience or understanding of them. To date I have kept their world's separate but if we want to progress our relationship they will need to integrate and I'm apprehensive about that without understanding more. I don't know whether to broach the subject again or just take it slow and see how things play out. Any advice much appreciated. Thanks

Parents

  • Hi, I would say that with or without an Aspergers diagnosis, this is how he is. Maybe have a chat with him about what he feels that he can manage in the long term in terms of his anxiety around children?

  • in reply to Kitsune

    He has a niece and nephew of similar age but seems to struggle to relate to them and I know he feels pressure because he wants my daughter to like him as he knows she's my priority over everything . I think it will just be very small doses. 

  • in reply to NAS51381

    It's difficult, starting a new relationship when you already have children, you need someone who not only accepts you and your child as a package but is also able to get on with your children. i was lucky in that when I met my now husband 11 years ago, we both already had children so it made that bit easier. I would say whether or not someone is good with children is more down to individual personality rather whether or not they have Aspergers/ASD. I have Aspergers and I also have 3 daughters who I go above and beyond to ensure that they have the best possible lives, I know other women with ASD who are fantastic mums and I know guys with ASD who don't have children but are still amazing with children. That said I'm sure there are those who would rather avoid children if possible. The same is true of people without ASD, there are those who are brilliant with children and those who would rather avoid them. What I would say is that I personally find that I am better at the more task focused aspects of parenting, I struggle to sit down and play with my children, I force myself to because I know that they need me to but it doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't do pretend play. Perhaps if you start introducing your boyfriend to your daughter, maybe it would be easier for him, and probably your daughter, if there is a 'task' to focus on such as going to the park; exploring the woods; doing crafts. By doing an activity it takes the pressure off of the social interaction side a little bit. Also a word of warning, my eldest daughter was 10 when I got together with my husband, it's an age where they're starting to get a bit more aware and I've had a lot of jealousy between them over the years. The relationship between a daughter and her mum's new boyfriend is renowned for being the most fraught (as opposed to if it were a son or if it were a father's new girlfriend) even without any additional factors to content with. 

  • in reply to NAS51381

    Ah it’s good that you’ve already realised that activity based things are the best option. I hope it all goes well and everything works out for you. 

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  • in reply to NAS51381

    Ah it’s good that you’ve already realised that activity based things are the best option. I hope it all goes well and everything works out for you. 

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