Early stages of dating

Hi

I've been dating someone for 5 months who I believe displays some aspergers characteristics and I'm not sure how best to manage the situation. 

He is highly intelligent when it comes to his job (fintech) but completely ignorant about other things I would deem common knowledge. He gets obsessed over certain things, e.g.. will repeat same recipe over and over. His flat is immaculate and contains virtually no personal items ie photos, books, if it doesn't have a function he can't see the point of it. He owns ear defenders to block out noise and gets very agitated if interrupted at work.  He is excruciatingly polite and doesnt do sarcasm/irony. On the flip side, he is very open about his feelings, honest, thoughtful, empathetic, generous and tactile. Without a doubt the kindest man i have ever dated. He acknowledges he's always been different but when I suggested he may have some autistic characteristics he was initially v upset and now makes jokes e.g. well that's probably because I'm autistic. 

My concern is I have a daughter (10) and he is very anxious around children with little to no experience or understanding of them. To date I have kept their world's separate but if we want to progress our relationship they will need to integrate and I'm apprehensive about that without understanding more. I don't know whether to broach the subject again or just take it slow and see how things play out. Any advice much appreciated. Thanks

Parents
  • Has he had previous relationships?  If so, what caused the endings? Were too many things demanded of him? 

    If he wears his heart on his sleeve, can you be as completely open and honest as him?  Do you need the complexity (and lies/BS) of normal men?

    Are you very social and do you need lots of friends?  It's likely that he might not need more than a few friends to satisfy his social life.

    My daughter was the reason I got diagnosed because I couldn't keep up with her constant changing as she grew up (from about 8-upwards).

    What sort of interaction will your daughter need?

  • Thanks, these are all good questions. He's had 3x2yr relationships and said he ended them but didn't detail why. I agree his straightforwardness is refreshing, I know I can trust him implicitly and there's not a manipulative bone in his body. I am more social than he is but don't see this as a problem as we're comfortable being independent of each other. At this stage the only interaction with my daughter is gradual with a view in the long term of being able to have holidays together etc. Her dad is v much involved in her life so don't want or need a father figure but important to me that my partner can have a positive relationship with her. 

    I think this has helped me answer my own question and I just need to be open with him and take things at a pace comfortable for everyone. 

    Thank you Plastic for your help.

  • You're welcome.

    An additional question for you - as you become an item, it's likely that he will meet your friends and go out on social events with you - how do you think your friends will treat him and will he be comfortable with them?  Will they be unkind if he struggles in high-pressure social settings?  Will your ex belittle/undermine him if he spots any weakness?

  • Thank you that's very reassuring and he loves being helpful with all the practical stuff. That helps me see how in practical terms things could work really well, thank you.

  • Then from what you say, he'll be great with your daughter.  If you can act as interface & buffer so he gets feedback from you that he's doing ok.

    I'm very Aspergers so I do all the practical daddy stuff - being the taxi, fixing stuff etc. and my wife does all the soft skills and emotional support.  My daughter talks to me about money, careers etc. and she does all the 'feelings' stuff with my wife.  

    We've turned out a very well adjusted young lady currently studying at uni.

Reply
  • Then from what you say, he'll be great with your daughter.  If you can act as interface & buffer so he gets feedback from you that he's doing ok.

    I'm very Aspergers so I do all the practical daddy stuff - being the taxi, fixing stuff etc. and my wife does all the soft skills and emotional support.  My daughter talks to me about money, careers etc. and she does all the 'feelings' stuff with my wife.  

    We've turned out a very well adjusted young lady currently studying at uni.

Children
  • Thank you that's very reassuring and he loves being helpful with all the practical stuff. That helps me see how in practical terms things could work really well, thank you.